Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Can I tell you how excited I am that we get to try to have a baby again? With the help of fertility drugs? And a lot of fear? Oh. My. God. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm too scared to try but I'm more scared of letting the fear stop me from trying. Fear will not rule me! I can and will kick it in the butt!
Right now I'm waiting to Ovulate and even if I don't need to track it right now, I am. Old habits die hard. Hey! Its been 1 year and 7 months of the same O tracking crap, I can't just stop on will you know. Why am I doing it? Well because 2 weeks later I'll get my dear period and for the first time in months I can't wait! I'm going to immediately start on Clomid and start the monitoring of my beautiful and back-stabbing ovaries (I'm not forgiving them so easily). Then I'll be triggered to ovulate so that I can "hang out" with Jeff and wait..... again...
Two weeks later I'll be praying that we are pregnant..... Third time should be the charm! So I'm hoping that even though April have let me down in the past (first miscarriage was April 11th, 2008), it makes up for it this year and don't fool me again....
So my Dear April, no pressure but you owe me a baby big time!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Now all my dear bloggers out there, you know its true… we love comments. I know we write basically for ourselves and to keep a journal because honestly this blog thing is pretty handy dandy. Its also a way to reach out to those who are going through similar experiences and for them to know they are not alone, ect, ect.
I love reading other blogs because I love reading period. The great thing is that these journeys I’m reading are real and I can truly feel happy or sad with my Internet friends. And most importantly, being able to share with you guys instead of people in real life keeps me sane. They just don’t get it. How funny is it that we don’t think twice to share our secrets with the Internet world but the minute people we know find out our secrets all hell breaks loose? Strange behavior I tell ya….
So what brought this post on?
Well, I’m bothered by something. How is it that I’ve been blogging for almost a year and the most comments I’ve ever received was when Jeff blogged? WTF? 25 comments for Jeff but not for me? In all fairness he was blogging about my health (Jeff's post) but still. That adorable creature has to be better at everything…. I love you honey but it’s a bit mean of you, no? And since he nonchalantly shoved that in my face a while ago saying I might never beat him, and it stuck to me, I decided to beg for comments. Would you help me kick his comment's butt? lol
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
This picture was taken at my baby niece's, Zamari, 1st Birthday party last July. That's me with my brother's best friend from Venezuela, Trino. He came to celebrate my brother's lil princess's birthday with us. He actually recently got married so congratulations are in order. Good luck dude!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
We haven't finished renovating yet thanks to these economic times, our busy schedule, and most importantly: our laziness ::bowing head in shame::
The Dining Room
We made a passover to the kitchen and let me tell you: It is handy, love it!
The Living Room
My niece Anali having fun with the primer while Jeff and I blatantly advertise for KFC...
The Third bedroom, a.k.a The Office:
And this is where Jeff and I lead our Internet lives side by side:
We also have a third laptop in the living room so we can watch TV and lead said life. Whoever gets to the office first gets the main computer, that's where I am now. In your face Jeff!
It was absolutely disgusting. There was mold everywhere so we had to gut it out and start fresh. I Love it!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
I’m having one of those sad days. I just found out two co-workers are pregnant. I'm not sad because they are pregnant, I'm just down because I realized that I'll never have that fear-free happiness that they do. They are both in early weeks, one was an oops and the other was perfectly wanted. She said "Oh, I want a baby" and the next thing you know she is pregnant….. so nice…. I guess…
That nice innocent surprise they had of: "Oh, shit I’m pregnant!"… I will never have again. Ever.
Even if I try month after month, track ovulation, do the deed at the right times, use anything I can to help me get knocked up I wont believe that its real. And worse? I am so sure I will lose it again. First I have problems getting pregnant and second my body fails to keep it going when I do.
I’m surrounded by quite a few women IRL who have had m/c’s as well, and a lot on the Internet. So I pray for these two girls that they don’t have to go through the heartbreaks we have. Unfortunately it can happen at any point during the pregnancy up until birth. It is so devastating and my heart goes out to those who had to live through such experience. Yes, I am consumed by jealousy but I pray that these girls will have their babies, I really do.
I remember that at one point I was so sure I would get pregnant easily. Actually I thought that by now I would be expecting my second…. Sike! All of this makes me so afraid to even try again, which if I’m ready emotionally we will in April (With the help of Clomid). I feel like I’m somehow destined to not have a baby, and mostly I feel this way because its my own body that is betraying me. The first time I got a BFP I felt on top of the world and was so excited about it, the second time was the opposite. I was so scared and we tried not to get too attached (not much luck there) and for good reasons because it ended as soon as it started. When and if I get pregnant again I’m sure I’ll be petrified. Until I get home from the hospital with that kid I will be scared of something happening. Don't get me wrong I have faith but right now the fear is overshadowing it. I just can't see past the pool of blood that have shattered my dreams twice.
No more innocence and genuine happiness for me, and many others. We lost it and to find it again would be a miracle.
The rules for accepting the award are as follows: