An Update from Jeff

First of all, I want to thank each of you for being there for my wife and supporting our journey to becoming parents.

Shanny asked me to write to you because she can't right now.

Today so far has been a very tough and sad day. Many of you know that this morning we were going to the R.E. for another blood test and the first sonogram to see if things were progressing along.

Shanny's back has been really bothering her, but with the progesterone supplements this was no surprise. My surprise was that she woke me around 3:30 a.m. this morning to let me know that she was having serious sharp agonizing pain in the right side of her lower abdomen. She was crying, told me to get up, and that we should go to the hospital. That freaked me out, especially because if you know Shanny, those are words that would never come out of her mouth.

Once in the ER, her vitals were taken (blood, blood pressure etc.) and we had a sonogram done to see if there was a possible ectopic pregnancy situation. The doctor saw no sac, either in the uterus, the right ovary, and could not find the left ovary, but since the pain was in the right side, he saw no evidence of an ectopic pregnancy and he commented that the lining in the uterus looked good. However, no sac yet - and that is a big concern obviously.

Unfortunately, the hcg level from the blood test came back at only 350. Last Sunday, it was 300 - so this is a bad sign :( Shanny's pain had gotten worse as the hours passed, and they finally gave her something - Tylenol. However, that was not gonna do the trick, so they finally gave her morphine with the IV drip.

She feels better now, still in pain, but manageable. They are admitting her for observation and will continue more tests, probably give her another ultrasound and continue to monitor her betas. The concerns are: a) ectopic pregnancy, b) cyst, and c) possible appendix issues (haven't tested her for that yet). It wasn't bad cramps or gas, but substantial pain in the abdomen that is constant and doesn't allow her to sit or lay down any particular way for very long.

As much as we "sort of" tried to disconnect from this pregnancy until we saw something "concrete" - we got attached, very much so, again to the idea of our own little baby since we got our BFP. Shanny will tell you that I am hopelessly hopeful, so I'm praying for a little miracle from my man Gee Oh Dee. But the reality is, most likely, that we are going to experience another painful loss.

Thank you for always reading, responding, and supporting this blog. It is so important and a great release for my wife. I read it too, and check all the responses too. It means the world to the both of us. Please keep us in your prayers. I'm sure she'll will write you soon.

Now, it's time to charge the I-Touch and get her some books to read.

- Jeff a.k.a. Shanny's Husband

Wifey Bonita, you are my everything and I love you more than you'll ever know. We will get through this, and come out even stronger on the other side. I love you, I love you, I love you...

Your Mucho Macho Muchacho :)

I'm bleeding =(

Starting from last night I've had some blood episodes. It's not heavy, thank God, but its a light flow. I don't have cramps so far but I can't stand my lower back. The ache is really bad, I had to leave work one because I couldn't stand it and two because I'm just not in the right frame of mind to work.

I'M FREAKING OUT!!!

I called the RE's office and spoke to a nurse this morning since the Dr.'s weren't there yet. I was told it could be my progesterone suppositories because they sometimes cause bleeding. About the back pain she had no answer. I had my first ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow morning so I guess that's when I'll find out what's going on.

There is nothing we can do if I'm going to miscarry again or if it's an ectopic pregnancy. I hate this.

The Angry Infertile: Speak Out, Speak Up Award

I received this award from Kristin. A wonderful woman who on top of suffering a pregnancy loss also has infertility problems. Sharing this award with each other is just a reminder that we are not alone and someday we will all win the battle!

You're damn right I'm an angry infertile. I am sick of the injustices of this "disease." I am sick of being a "victim." I am sick of seeing my sisters fall victim to this disease and listening to their stories and their pain. So if you're out there, this is for you:

-If you could make a little house from used pee sticks and OPKs.

-If you talk in TTC acronyms nobody except people on the internet understand.

-If you have ever been stuck with any needles in order to achieve pregnancy.

-If you have had to stick yourself, or your husband has had to turn into your nurse in order to do it for you.

-If you've ever seen a blank ultrasound screen.

-If you know what a cootercam is.

-If you have ever gotten shower invites, family photos, or birth announcements in the mail and had a good cry.

-If you have watched someone go through an entire cycle of pregnancy in the time it took you to even try.

-If you have ever heard "just relax" or "it's not your time" or "it's God's will"

-If you dread holidays because you cannot announce a pregnancy to your family.

-If you dread holidays because there are no children to share them with.

-If you have ever held a baby or child and quietly pretended for a second that they're yours.

-If you have ever walked around the store in order to avoid the baby/toddler section.

-If you cannot park in the front spots of a store because they are for pregnant and expectant mothers only.

-If you've ever had to go IN the baby/toddler section of a store in order to buy something for someone else's baby.

-If you've ever yelled out during watching a movie or tv show about someone who's trying for a baby, "That's SO not realistic!"

-If you've ever sat around with a group of women who shared birth stories and labor pains and felt like you didn't fit in.

-If you've ever told anyone you are infertile and they're response was, "That sucks. I'm super fertile! I can have all the kids I want!"

-If a fertile person ever told you that they would be your surrogate because they have no problem getting pregnant.

-If you have ever gotten a shower invite through email while sitting at work trying to forget about TTC.

-If you know what an RE is.

-If you have ever graphed out your cycle on chart paper.

-If you have ever checked to see if your cervical mucus was eggwhite or clear, or could stretch 5 inches between your fingers and you know people in the next stall over are thinking, "WTF is she doing in there?"

-If you were disappointed that you couldn't find any.

-If you have kept a HPT or OPK in your purse to use when you were at work or out just in case.

-If you can't wait to see the peak symbol.

-If you have ever spat on a microscope in order to see ferns.

-If you laugh when people tell you to use pillows under your butt after sex.

-If you have picked out crib bedding or nursery decor online and you're not pregnant.

-If you have ever felt panic when seeing a pregnant lady.

If you meet the criteria above, or you'd like to submit your own, please post the following award on your blog. This is for all of the women who will no longer be silent about their infertility. This is to remind you that you need not be ashamed and you are definately not alone. This is to remind you to speak up the next time someone gives you fertility assvice.

Rules for posting award:

1-Link back to this post so that others will read the original story behind the award
2-Nominate 4 others who have not been "silent about their infertility"
3-Enjoy speaking out and speaking up :D

I nominate: Shannon, and Danse.

I would like to say that I'm kicking inferility's butty right now. Did a lil treatment and was blessed with a BFP but it doesn't take away all the struggles I've had, nor for any other woman who has been blessed with a pregnancy. I'm still hanging by a thread but hopefully this is it.

Speaking of.... my 5th beta was at 300. It didn't exactly double as it should but it went up. I go on Friday the 16th for more blood work and for my first ultrasound. I'm freaked out!

4th Betas and sweet unconscious Jeff

Ok here goes:

HCG went from 65.1 to 172

Progesterone went from 17 to 22.7

I'm beginning to feel more hope since my HCG is doubling + like it's supposed to. Maybe I'm one of the lucky girls with low HCG in early pregnancy that can end up with a healthy baby. At least I pray that I am. On the other hand my progesterone number is great. The average is 20 and I'm almost 23, woohoo!!!!

I'm still scared shitless though. I keep praying that my low numbers are not due to ectopic pregnancy. Let me tell you, I have strong heartburn and very sore boobs. The more pain I feel the happier I get. It means something is working =)

I never thought I would be hoping to have morning sickness, but I guess "feeling" is believing? I just see it as a good sign and with these numbers I want them. Um, is it OK that I don't want the puking symptom though? Only because I would hate to puke at work, in front of a lot of people... then again if I puke sometime this week I might want to high five my co-worker lol.

------

About Jeff

He used to keep me up at night because he either snores or talks or both. Which is why I use ear plugs. When he has something on his mind he will talk about it all night long. With my ear plugs that's no problem. However, last night he found a new way to communicate what was on his mind.

I swear that every hour on the hour he rubbed my back and my stomach, while he was sound asleep. He kept waking me up all night. And I couldn't be mad because I thought it was so sweet. At one point I was laying on my side with my back to him and he couldn't find my belly so he kept poking and searching. I woke up a bit upset and yelled at him and then stayed up feeling guilty about it. He had no clue though. The man was way gone in la la land... I guess dreaming about his baby.

3rd Betas

Just a quick update.

My HCG went from 19 to 65.1.

My Progesterone went from 11 to 17.

So my HCG more than tripled! And progesterone was better. I think I read that above 15 with medication is a good start. Numbers are still low but that's no surprise considering where we are starting from. I go again tomorrow for more testing. Wish me luck!

2nd Betas

I went yesterday to get more blood work done to see how the pregnancy was progressing. The results were OK but not great.

My HCG went from 7 to 19.

My Progesterone went from 8 to 11.

The good thing is that they went up. The HCG more than doubled which is what we want and the progesterone supplements seem to be working. The bad thing is that the numbers are on the low side.

I go back tomorrow to do third betas and hopefully the numbers are up again. I'm freaking out but still hopeful. Lets wait and see...

2 lines in '09......

I decided to test for the heck of it on the 1st day of the year. There was a very very faint line. This morning when I tested again it was still very faint, it should have darkened a lot but it didn't.

Luckily today I had an appointment at 7 AM to get blood work done and test my prolactin levels at the RE's office. When I was there I requested my betas to be tested as well just in case I was seeing things. One of the Doctors called me a few minutes ago to share this morning's results with me.

Yes, I am pregnant. BUT my progesterone levels are too low for where they should be.

It can get in the way of this being a successful pregnancy. I'm going to start progesterone supplements and hopefully it does the trick. This fertility center is really great, they called me very fast with the results and they are having the supplements delivered to my house today by a pharmacy. I'm impressed.

Jeff and I are in a weird state. I say weird because I can't come up with a better word. We are finally pregnant after my prolactin levels went down, they are normal by the way. But now we may be facing another miscarriage. I have strong period cramps and I'm not liking it. The Dr. said that the supplements will make them stop. I have to get more blood work done in 2 days to see if it's helping. I really want to be excited but I can't.

This is the kind of thing that pisses me off, seriously.