Have you ever been hurt by people who you never thought would hurt you?
I'm sure your answer is yes.
Or things that people say or do that in general don't mean anything to anyone, but feels like a knife in the back?
I've been back and forth, deciding if I should post this part of my feelings. A month ago I thought: definitely not. I don't want to hurt any one's feelings... but what about mine? This is after all a place for me to let everything out, right?
I went to bed because I was very sleepy and suddenly started thinking of someone. I have a slight anger toward this person, so much that I'm wide awake and ready to blog it. And that's not all I did, my poor co-worker Brenda got a full blast of complaint just by asking about this person. Sorry Bren!
This person is supposed to care very much about me. I know I love this person and care about their happiness and sorrows and everything in between. When I had my miscarriage, all of the important people in my life knew about it because I needed their love. Not once did this person reach out to me to see how I was, not one call. After a while when we did speak, it was about their life, I just listened and stayed quiet. I don't intend to be a victim, I don't expect them to talk about it, nor did I want to. But I just wanted a "how are you?"....something to show that they cared about how I was doing since it was a very difficult time for me, like I would do for them. I'm still waiting....
Other things that hurt?
Innocent comments that are said with the very best of intentions. Unfortunately innocent comments can sting. It depends on where you are in your life and what is going on with it, that some simple words can be just that: simple.... Or very complex. With the mind that I have.... everything is complex... I'm not proud of it, but its true. I'm a complicated piece of work!
The ever classic one: "Relax".... Oh heck no! Please don't say that.... believe me its not as easy as you think. Its like hitting a kid very hard and telling them don't cry..... I don't know anyone close to me that has had difficulties getting pregnant and/or staying pregnant. Maybe its because for them it just happened. It all magically fell into place! We did relax. We did the whole relaxing thing for a few months, then I did research and tried "for real" and now I'm going on a year soon.... I simply cannot relax anymore.
I feel like a failure.
I feel like my body is out to get me.... And I'm the sucker still playing nice with it. (then again, maybe that's Jeff playing nice with it!)
It hurts that it has been so easy for the women in my family and so hard for me. My sister and sister-in-law God bless them are breathing fertility as they walk. I think I'm gonna stand in between them to see if it will rub off. I want what they have: a beautiful family. I know they may think that I am just obsessed, but as I mentioned to my sister before: unless you have been in my situation.... you will never understand the feeling. And I'm not saying this to them in particular, I'm just saying something that I already talked about with my sister. Girls this is not directed at you, the 2 of you just happen to be fertiles that I know =)
These are just my feelings about how I feel misunderstood. And how I feel let down by someone very important in my life.
I am angry and hurt... that's all. Next post will have a lighter mood I promise!