Monday, January 24, 2011

Bringing Sexy Back... as a deflated balloon?

Hmmm.. sexy deflated balloon. That's possible right? Maybe a tiny little bit? No? Okay, so it's not exactly sexy but... perhaps cute in a distorted kind of way? Thankfully I can't actually hear your answers so I'm sticking to yes on this one.

So I had two babies. My body got really really big and that was a wonderful thing. Nobody is saying it wasn't. Nobody regrets any of it in any way. But. A very big but. Time has passed. Kids are out and healthy and happy. But Mommy? She is starting to feel a bit self conscious. And that's expected because it's normal. It does not mean Mommy is not happy. I just want to clear that up from now, I don't want anyone thinking I'm depressed.

I mean, I know I just had twins. You know I just had twins. But strangers in the street? They don't know that and I'm sure they are judging me... meanies! I feel like hanging a sing around my neck clearing things up, I have a few options: 1-"Object in front of you appears fatter than in real life" 2- "I'm not as distorted as I appear, I just had 2 babies", if they are really mean 3- "I just had 2 babies, what's your excuse?", or 4-maybe I'll just hang this picture around my neck to explain the whole thing:

What do you think, will that work? Yeah, I didn't think so. Either way, take a look at the picture again, I still look like that... minus the babies... which means exactly what you are thinking.. they popped me and left all that skin hanging around. Nice huh? Like I said: sexy deflated balloon. Minus the sexy part, so there is no way I'm showing you a pic of my current condition. The upside? My Doc did such a good job with the incision that if you were to see me in a bikini (barf!) and ignore the skin and thousand stretch marks, you would hardly notice the cut. And since that's a lot to ignore I'm not sure my Doc deserve big thanks for the incision, she does however get huge thanks for popping the babies out for me.

So back to this body thing. I go back to work in 2 weeks, I can only fit the "extras" in big pants, so it's fitted on top and lose on the bottom, very weird looking. I don't like it. What are the chances of fixing this in 14 days? Apparently none, like the silly girl that I am, I panicked and decided to start working out. I exercised to a video last week and made my incision bleed. It never quite healed properly because of my hectic mother of twins life but it was better. Until I messes it up again. I need to do something about my body. I know I wasn't skinny to begin with, I was okay-ish waaaay back when, then I started all sorts of treatments to get pregnant and got chubby with all the added hormones. That was no problem though, it had a purpose and I was going to get big anyways, but now that's over and I need to move on.

I got Jeff and my brother to put our BIG treadmill in my bedroom (it used to be in the nursery before the babies) and will attempt to walk/run. Mainly walk since my perfect incision is so sensitive still. Wish me luck. I have little time.. in between taking care of the twins and pumping (and work soon) it means I'm sacrificing sleep time. I almost feel like giving up pumping to tell you the truth, it's exhausting and painful, but at this point I feel like that machine is one of my limbs from being attached to it so much,  I wouldn't know how to part ways. That and I still want to continue giving the babies breast milk for as long as I can. So, is it stupid to give up sleep time to work out? Resting is very important these days. Very. But so is fitting into clothes, no? I'm probably just being too hard on myself but I have to start sometime. Let's see what I give up first: Sleep, pumping or working out. If anyone has any advice, I'm ready for them!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I want to blog.....

So I'm blogging.
I'm not sure what to write about.
Pregnancy and motherhood did/do not give me as much to talk about as infertility.
Actually it/they did/do give me topics but by the time I get to sit down to write, I forget them.

I could write about....
The babies making talking sounds, they love saying "Ugghh eeehh" especially Natalia... she even says "Ugghleey" sometimes. Yup, she's pretty much full of herself calling other people ugly or ugghleey, however you wanna spell it. I could write about how they love to laugh and play. How they sleep at least 5 hours at night, both of them AT THE SAME TIME! Or about how much they love me and their daddy and their grandparents and their aunts & uncles. But then that's pretty much it on that topic. It's two babies, but they are very good babies. I lucked out. The end.

I could write about...
Me being able squeeze in some chores last week while I was all alone with the babies. I had time to do all the dishes, the laundry, vacuum and cook. That was the first for each one, however it wasn't as easy as it sounds. The dishes? I (still) get to do them around 3 am. The laundry? It took me 4 days to fold.. and I still haven't put them away. Vacuuming? I only did the rug in the living room because that's where we keep the babie's boppies. The cooking? That was only one night. I have a BUT for each one, but its progress. The negative of all that time? I realized I hadn't had a chance to even brush my teeth until Jeff got home. It's no wonder I had the time, my breath must have knocked the kids out. Don't judge, it's not nice! Oh, let me clear up that these things get done often but never when I'm all alone. Don't want you thinking it was the first time ever since the kids were born, now that would make me even judge myself.

I could write about...
Going back to work. I must return on February 7th, the day before they turn 4 months old. And while I know that I've been lucky to have had all this time with them I can't stop being sad about it. I keep asking "Why me? Why me?" but haven't received an answer so far. I'm not sure who is supposed to answer but I don't like that I have none. It is what it is. I guess I'll go back. Whatever. The topic is depressing so I'll jump to another one...

I could write about...
Another depressing topic: my body.
Actually this one deserves its own post so I'll just skip right along.

I could write about...
My embabies. My other kids. I don't care what you say, in my mind even though they are only embryos, I think of them as my babies. That's where Natalia and Noah came from, so how wrong can I be? We've decided to give them up. I cried about this but its the best decision for us. We are done with having kids. I even had a tubal ligation. And you may frown now but we are giving them up for research. If other's hadn't done the same thing in the past I probably wouldn't have Natalia and Noah. Knowing this still doesn't help the heaviness in my chest, but I don't regret it. There is a major reason why I'm done having kids, I love them and sure at one point I thought "you never know I might change my mind in the future" but now I know that I wont. Noah's condition is the reason. It's genetic. There is no way I'll put another kid through the same chances of having it, especially not if its a girl (She can be born with boy/girl parts and be masculine, etc) I love Noah and I feel guilty everyday for being the reason of him having CAH. I'm taking care of him but I don't want him to have another sibling with the same condition. So we are done.

Or I could actually write about all of the above, like I just did. Even if it took about 7 hours to write.. now the question is... if I had the time to write this... did I brush my teeth yet? I'll let you wonder..

(Okay, no I wont let you wonder, I don't want you thinking bad about me. Yes, I did brush... at about 4 hours in of writing this post)

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

3 Month pics!

Here are some pics of the babies taken this past Saturday when they turned 3 months.

Time is flying by way too fast.

You may notice that I used a basket once again, but what else am I supposed to do with all the gift baskets I received? They weren't just for the gifts, were they? Well, even if they were, I found a way to give them dual purposes. In these pics the babies are sick with a cold (their fever was gone already, phew!) and just in case you care I'll let you know that Jeff and I are now sick too. Well we are starting to get better now but feel free to still feel bad for us, it's not all about the babies you know. Anyway, I'll shut up now.... technically stop writing... whatever.. bye!

Basket: gift
Blanket: crocheted by my sister-in-law Zaira
Babies: Made by me... and Jeff... and the RE...

Natalia practicing for when the paparazzi is out to get her!

Mr. Cheeks

Miss Legs

We are twins so we pose like twins!

Can someone get her off me? Please?

Friday, January 7, 2011

Used Paranoia Give Away

All you have to do is grab one from the list, its free.

I have become a paranoid mother. Well I think I've been one since the babies were born but I've gradually increased it to a point that I have too much and I decided to have a garage sale, except without the garage and the sale part, I'm just giving it away for free. They are used but in good condition so if you want one, take it, if you don't want it... take it anyway.

I keep thinking of a thousand different ways in which I can trip when carrying my baby. And the other one too. It doesn't matter which baby, they are pretty much interchangeable when it comes to this. I keep imagining that I'm tripping on the edge of a rug, a shoe, a peck of dust (oh trust me, I really think it can happen), trip on my pants... even if I'm wearing shorts... or no pants at all (don't get frisky, this only means I'm wearing a dress or skirt), or slip from the meltdown of a single snow flurry that miraculously got in the house through some tiny hole. You get the point, I'm bound to trip but since I still have to save the day, I then picture myself throwing the baby (whichever one) in the air, falling on my ass and catching that baby right on time, like the awesome mother that I am. And then I smile to myself. But, after a second of self satisfaction, the image in my head changes to me throwing that baby in the air, causing him or her to hit their head on the corner of a table (even though they are no where close to one) and me falling on the other baby and crushing that one, not such an awesome mother after all.

If that wasn't bad enough, I'm also paranoid of things falling on them. I imagine their name blocks falling on their heads when they are sleeping.... the shelves holding the name blocks are pretty far away... but somehow I think, hey! I'm in the room right next door a.k.a. computer room a.k.a. Noah's future room and I trip (yes the tripping thing is at the top of my list) and hit/push the wall and cause the blocks to fall on their heads anyway. It's not only blocks that can fall on them either. The TV can fall on them. The sofa can fall on them. The stove can make its way from the kitchen to fall on them. Heck, they just have some kind of gravitational pull that will make everything and anything to fall on them, but then, like the awesome mother that I am, I also picture myself throwing myself on top of them so that nothing hits them. Except of course, I end up crushing them and the awesome mother title goes right out the window once again.

They can get hurt when I'm giving them their baths. They can choke on the powder when I'm applying a single grain on them. Or something with the lotion that I dare put on their bodies, cause I don't know what but I'm sure the lotion can backfire somehow. I can cut their circulation by putting their diapers on too tightly. They can breathe in bad air, either because the air purifier isn't working good enough or because someone farted. Probably Jeff, not me, I'm a lady.

Or they can simply be nice and healthy with absolutely nothing happening to them, but lets be realistic here, what are the chances of that happening?

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

First Noah Freak Out!

My little guy had a fever this morning of 101.
You may think its OK for a baby to get sick, and it is, but for Noah it could be life threatening. Scary right?

Luckily, I noticed it right away. At 6am during their feeding he felt fine, around 7am when I was burping him I felt his skin to be warm. I took his temp with an underarm thermometer and it said 100.8 but his endocrinologist specifically told me to check it rectally, well it was 101.. which is  exactly the temp that I should worry about. I started freaking out because its the first time I've had to deal with it, I had to give him his daily medication but TRIPLE the dose! (I have to do this for 2 days 3 times daily) I did it by following the directions of how to deal with him when he is sick but I couldn't help to question everything I did.

Fortunately, Jeff was home because Noah actually had to go see the endocrinologist for his checkup this morning, talk about lucky coincidence! He made me feel better and took over to finish feeding Noah his medication... I was on the verge of tears. What if I messed up? What if I did it wrong? What if I reach the point where I have to give him the emergency injection? Too many "what ifs" going through my mind instead of calming down and dealing with the situation at hand. I just couldn't help freaking out. But Jeff? He kept telling me that I did the right thing, that I noticed his fever immediately, that I gave him the higher dose of meds, and that I gave him some baby Tylenol, and he just made me feel more confident and better about the situation, thank you honey.

Noah is now better. Last temperature was at 99.1 so meds and Tylenol are working, he just seems to have a little cold. He is back to playing and smiling a lot. I just realized the importance of hiring a nurse to be here 24/7.... probably will not happen... but if someone is a nurse and wants to volunteer I will hire you, no questions asked! That just shows how irresponsibly responsible I am.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Noah and Natalia's 2011 photo blog

This year I will attempt to take and post a picture a day everyday of the babies and post it in their very own blog: (link on the right of the screen)

It's meant for Jeff and myself, just for kicks to see how different they are from day to day for the whole year, but you are welcomed to check it out if you would like to. This blog (the one you are reading) will remain the same and will continue to receive updates and pictures of the babies. And I'll also try to continue posting more =)

Once again, Happy New Year!!