Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I want to blog.....

So I'm blogging.
I'm not sure what to write about.
Pregnancy and motherhood did/do not give me as much to talk about as infertility.
Actually it/they did/do give me topics but by the time I get to sit down to write, I forget them.

I could write about....
The babies making talking sounds, they love saying "Ugghh eeehh" especially Natalia... she even says "Ugghleey" sometimes. Yup, she's pretty much full of herself calling other people ugly or ugghleey, however you wanna spell it. I could write about how they love to laugh and play. How they sleep at least 5 hours at night, both of them AT THE SAME TIME! Or about how much they love me and their daddy and their grandparents and their aunts & uncles. But then that's pretty much it on that topic. It's two babies, but they are very good babies. I lucked out. The end.

I could write about...
Me being able squeeze in some chores last week while I was all alone with the babies. I had time to do all the dishes, the laundry, vacuum and cook. That was the first for each one, however it wasn't as easy as it sounds. The dishes? I (still) get to do them around 3 am. The laundry? It took me 4 days to fold.. and I still haven't put them away. Vacuuming? I only did the rug in the living room because that's where we keep the babie's boppies. The cooking? That was only one night. I have a BUT for each one, but its progress. The negative of all that time? I realized I hadn't had a chance to even brush my teeth until Jeff got home. It's no wonder I had the time, my breath must have knocked the kids out. Don't judge, it's not nice! Oh, let me clear up that these things get done often but never when I'm all alone. Don't want you thinking it was the first time ever since the kids were born, now that would make me even judge myself.

I could write about...
Going back to work. I must return on February 7th, the day before they turn 4 months old. And while I know that I've been lucky to have had all this time with them I can't stop being sad about it. I keep asking "Why me? Why me?" but haven't received an answer so far. I'm not sure who is supposed to answer but I don't like that I have none. It is what it is. I guess I'll go back. Whatever. The topic is depressing so I'll jump to another one...

I could write about...
Another depressing topic: my body.
Actually this one deserves its own post so I'll just skip right along.

I could write about...
My embabies. My other kids. I don't care what you say, in my mind even though they are only embryos, I think of them as my babies. That's where Natalia and Noah came from, so how wrong can I be? We've decided to give them up. I cried about this but its the best decision for us. We are done with having kids. I even had a tubal ligation. And you may frown now but we are giving them up for research. If other's hadn't done the same thing in the past I probably wouldn't have Natalia and Noah. Knowing this still doesn't help the heaviness in my chest, but I don't regret it. There is a major reason why I'm done having kids, I love them and sure at one point I thought "you never know I might change my mind in the future" but now I know that I wont. Noah's condition is the reason. It's genetic. There is no way I'll put another kid through the same chances of having it, especially not if its a girl (She can be born with boy/girl parts and be masculine, etc) I love Noah and I feel guilty everyday for being the reason of him having CAH. I'm taking care of him but I don't want him to have another sibling with the same condition. So we are done.

Or I could actually write about all of the above, like I just did. Even if it took about 7 hours to write.. now the question is... if I had the time to write this... did I brush my teeth yet? I'll let you wonder..

(Okay, no I wont let you wonder, I don't want you thinking bad about me. Yes, I did brush... at about 4 hours in of writing this post)


  1. Girl, even with one baby I remember not having time to brush my teeth, I even skipped a day or so from showering just so I could sleep. I can't imagine with 2 babies, you are doing great! Thanks for being real about this, a lot of people wouldn't admit to this, I didn't and my blog is private lol

    Its so funny that your daughter says ugly! Her and Noah are truly adorable. He is so lucky to have you taking care of him and while I'm sad for you deciding not to have more kids I understand your reasons, I do have to tell you that its not your fault. Its in your genes and you can't help that. Giving up your embryos for research is tough but admiring, many women in the future will thank you for it when they get their own little Noah and Natalia, you and Jeff are simply amazing with amazing kids. Hugs!

  2. Not having time to brush your teeth... I totally understand. When I was still on maternity leave my husband would often come home surprised that I was still in pajamas. YES! The baby didn't give any free time and when she did take a nap, I took one too. :-)

    And I totally understand forgetting what you want to blog about. So, I find myself creating drafts with just a title and a few bullets so I can remember the idea and then when I have time I come back and write. And I love that I can schedule in advance posts to be published so when I have time, I might write several posts, if I'm so inspired. I have my Two on Tuesdays posts already written for the next 3 weeks. lol

  3. The body thing is depressing, isn't it? I am so bored of doing sit ups I could scream.

    I don't blame you one the tubal business. I am thinking of parting ways with the embie also because I have no desire to have children and with the added stress of a medical condition I can't blame you there!

    Going back to work seems worse than it is when you finally do it. I am actually at a place where I like work and think this is a good balance. Good luck!

  4. It sounds like you are doing what's best for you and your family. Thank you for donating them to will help so many people I'm sure.


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