I want to blog.....

So I'm blogging.
I'm not sure what to write about.
Pregnancy and motherhood did/do not give me as much to talk about as infertility.
Actually it/they did/do give me topics but by the time I get to sit down to write, I forget them.

I could write about....
The babies making talking sounds, they love saying "Ugghh eeehh" especially Natalia... she even says "Ugghleey" sometimes. Yup, she's pretty much full of herself calling other people ugly or ugghleey, however you wanna spell it. I could write about how they love to laugh and play. How they sleep at least 5 hours at night, both of them AT THE SAME TIME! Or about how much they love me and their daddy and their grandparents and their aunts & uncles. But then that's pretty much it on that topic. It's two babies, but they are very good babies. I lucked out. The end.

I could write about...
Me being able squeeze in some chores last week while I was all alone with the babies. I had time to do all the dishes, the laundry, vacuum and cook. That was the first for each one, however it wasn't as easy as it sounds. The dishes? I (still) get to do them around 3 am. The laundry? It took me 4 days to fold.. and I still haven't put them away. Vacuuming? I only did the rug in the living room because that's where we keep the babie's boppies. The cooking? That was only one night. I have a BUT for each one, but its progress. The negative of all that time? I realized I hadn't had a chance to even brush my teeth until Jeff got home. It's no wonder I had the time, my breath must have knocked the kids out. Don't judge, it's not nice! Oh, let me clear up that these things get done often but never when I'm all alone. Don't want you thinking it was the first time ever since the kids were born, now that would make me even judge myself.

I could write about...
Going back to work. I must return on February 7th, the day before they turn 4 months old. And while I know that I've been lucky to have had all this time with them I can't stop being sad about it. I keep asking "Why me? Why me?" but haven't received an answer so far. I'm not sure who is supposed to answer but I don't like that I have none. It is what it is. I guess I'll go back. Whatever. The topic is depressing so I'll jump to another one...

I could write about...
Another depressing topic: my body.
Actually this one deserves its own post so I'll just skip right along.

I could write about...
My embabies. My other kids. I don't care what you say, in my mind even though they are only embryos, I think of them as my babies. That's where Natalia and Noah came from, so how wrong can I be? We've decided to give them up. I cried about this but its the best decision for us. We are done with having kids. I even had a tubal ligation. And you may frown now but we are giving them up for research. If other's hadn't done the same thing in the past I probably wouldn't have Natalia and Noah. Knowing this still doesn't help the heaviness in my chest, but I don't regret it. There is a major reason why I'm done having kids, I love them and sure at one point I thought "you never know I might change my mind in the future" but now I know that I wont. Noah's condition is the reason. It's genetic. There is no way I'll put another kid through the same chances of having it, especially not if its a girl (She can be born with boy/girl parts and be masculine, etc) I love Noah and I feel guilty everyday for being the reason of him having CAH. I'm taking care of him but I don't want him to have another sibling with the same condition. So we are done.

Or I could actually write about all of the above, like I just did. Even if it took about 7 hours to write.. now the question is... if I had the time to write this... did I brush my teeth yet? I'll let you wonder..

(Okay, no I wont let you wonder, I don't want you thinking bad about me. Yes, I did brush... at about 4 hours in of writing this post)