Good Bye '08

This year has been interesting to say the least. I had my ups and downs and my in betweens. But I am thankful for everything that has happened this year, the good and the bad. I've learned to appreciate my experiences because they taught me more about life and about myself.


Lets look back at my year....

January '08

I don't really remember. I think mostly I was looking forward to this year's vacation and spending most of the year pregnant. Neither happened. One for good reason, the other one not so good.


February '08

Had one last AF before getting knocked up and had nice Valentine Day with Jeff. He made a nice pasta dinner like he always does on Valentine for me. Can't wait for my dinner in 2 months honey! Hopefully the wine will be just for one.


March '08

Ah, the month I got my BFP. This month I felt pregnant, happy and full of dreams, but I couldn't stand the smell of chicken. Ewww.


April '08

Sad month. Very sad month. Two reasons: It's the month we lost our 6 year old cousin 4 years ago and also when I miscarried. Bye bye dreams, hello depression.

May '08

We celebrated our 4Th year of marriage. Lucky Jeff!

I started this blog to use as an outlet for my frustrations and also for future memories. I probably would have gone crazy if I didn't have this blog. Even though pregnancy loss and fertility problems are very common (unfortunately), not many people in real life really understands. I would feel like I'm nagging all the time or that they feel sorry or annoyed by me.

June '08

Depression was getting a hold of me so I decided to dream about something else. I started to look at houses online. Jeff and I are dreamers. We liked to think that we would find a house we can afford, deep down we knew that we wouldn't be able to buy one until maybe 2009. I was so obsessed with houses! Not surprising for my personality.

We couldn't believe our eyes when we saw this little house, it had a lot of our requirements. We had to see it... and we did and we loved it. Not good for my already broken heart to fall in love with something we couldn't have. Or so we thought. The price was awesome because it was a bank owned property going for a short sale. I'm not saying any prices but it was almost $150k below its value. Score!

Here is a picture of our home with the snow effect!

July '08

The packing began. I had no idea how many thing Jeff and I owned. I'll tell you this: I don't want to move ever again. If I do, I'm hiring packers.

August '08

We became homeowners!

We moved all our possessions to the house and moved in with my parents while we renovated. Jeff and I had serious Internet and TV withdrawal. We went from work to the house so we could paint and do fix-ups. We hardly had any time for ourselves. That was tough!

We also reached our 1 year mark of TTC. Very upsetting.

September '08

We moved in to our house.... and I found out I would share it with my mortal enemies: spiders. Those creatures seriously give me the creeps. One day they will kill me. I know it.
We spent our vacation working on the house instead of going away. It's our first year with no trip but also our first with a house. The trade was fair.

October '08

I fell in love with a vampire. *Sigh*

I also got bad news from my OB. After Jeff and I got ourselves tested, she said that there were too many things wrong and she referred us to an RE. I was feeling that depression coming on again. But I had Edward Cullen to occupy my worries so I survived.

November '08

I found out I had a benign brain tumor. Benign or not, it still freaks me out. Jeff and I did more testing and the results were less dramatic. Thank God.

I was upset and happy about the big movie release on November 21st. I was dying to watch the new Harry Potter movie but they cancelled it until next year. WTF? The good thing was that Twilight moved up one month and took the spot, nice!

December '08

Closure.

I didn't have my baby for Christmas nor a pregnancy to take its place. But I do have a great RE and a very exciting plan. Once AF starts (I feel her coming) I'm going on Clomid, take the HCG shot and try ala old fashioned way. If next cycle fails though, I'm going straight for IUI.

We worked our butt's off on the house for 3 months and took Nov. & Dec. off. We were exhausted! Depending on the whole economic recession next year, we might work on finishing our huge basement. We'll see how that goes. We have other projects but we would love to have our game/party space. Not that I'm a host though, I tend to fall on the shy side. But still, we want what we want.

I'm saying good bye to all my 2008 sorrows and welcoming my 2009 joys.

Emotional and confused

I'm crying all the time.

My hormones are out of whack. I have no control whatsoever and its quite annoying. Every little thing makes me cry. I don't know if its my new drug or just me. It is supposed to lower my hormones.... but I'm not so sure that its working too good.

Well, its working in its own way. Wanna know how I know? That would be 'cause I freaking O'd earlier than the norm. Waaay earlier! At the beginning of the cycle I set my Fertility Monitor too late during the day so I couldn't POAS early in the morning like usual. It gives a 6 hour window but I was at work during that time this cycle. After I got the green light to TTC I decided it was time to stop saving my sticks and give them what they were made for..... So I took them to work and did my thing there. My test went from low to peak in only 2 days of testing, no highs in between to warn me. I was so excited that I screamed"Holy Shit!" in the bathroom. I really really hope that no one heard me. I don't want to know what they thought if they did. Embarrassing!

Jeff and I... did, um... you know... and now we wait.

Here is the rest of the exciting news. If I don't get a BFP now I have other plans. Once I get dear AF I'm going to start Clomid. I will be monitored and when its time I will be given the HCG shot to trigger ovulation. Now I have a dilemma. We can either try naturally or we can go with IUI. When I spoke the RE I told him we wouldn't do the IUI just yet but now I wonder if we should go with the better chances of conceiving. If it doesn't happen then I have to do the treatment all over again... but of course IUI might not work first time either. This sucks. We are still deciding though. What to do? What to do?

So far I think I'm sticking to my first decision. Its just that having the option given to me makes me wanna try the easiest way out. Shame on me, I should go and cry my shamelessness away.

Merry Christmas!!!!

Tagged, I'm it!

Amber tagged me!!! Its my first time evah and I feel special!

Here are the rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.

2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.

3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blog.

Here I go...

What to share? What to share? Let see....

1-I’m a Catholic-Hindu. Well not exactly but I was brought up in both religions so I have a bit of both. My mom is a Hindu and my dad is a Catholic. I was baptized so I guess I consider myself more Catholic but I don’t follow either one strictly. I believe in God 100% but I don’t think that one religion knows better than the others. Growing up with both religions made me appreciate that having faith is what’s important. Jeff and I had two wedding ceremonies. On April 30Th, 2004 we got married under Hindu rites and on May 1st, 2004 we got married legally and had our Catholic ceremony. Thankfully Jeff is Catholic otherwise we might have married each other 3 times... not a bad thing except it would have been expensive!


2-My personality contradicts itself. I’m shy but outgoing at the same time. I’ve been told that I am too quiet and also that I’m bubbly. I’m very optimistic and very pessimistic too. It depends on my mood I guess. Sometimes I think everything is just peachy and other times I think I’m doomed. What gives?


3-I hate, hate, hate the phrase: "have your cake and eat it too." Why would you have cake and not eat it? Seriously? I get that it’s supposed to contradict itself but I can’t stand it. Maybe because English is my second language and I look for literal meanings? I don’t know, either way I find it annoying and will never get over it.


4-Since my mom is Guyanese I know to dance Caribbean and West-Indian music better than Spanish music…. and I grew up in a Spanish country! Sad but true. Give me Reggae, Soca, calypso, Indian, some hip-pop, slow songs and I’m good to go but Salsa, Merengue and Bachata? Not so much. I know the basic steps and that’s about it. I keep telling myself that I’ll learn someday. We'll see.


5-I wanted to be famous. When I was younger I swore that I would become a singer. If you ever hear me sing you’ll know why that didn’t work out. Personally I think my singing is great and that people just have bad hearing, but whatever. Since I knew that wouldn’t happen I figured I could be an actress. I did some plays in college and liked it but decided that I hate attention so I stopped. According to my professors I had talent and I guess that’s all I wanted to hear.


6-I love books. I love reading and emerging myself in a fantasy world. In my head, I’m always the heroine/main female character in my books. Right now if you call me "Bella" I might just respond. When I was learning English I wished that I would be good enough one day to write my own book. I would love to but I would hate to fail. I also don’t have enough dedication lol.


7-I can draw! Well at one point I could, I’m sure I suck now since I haven’t practiced in years. Let me clear up the fact that I’m only good at simple things. I loved portraits but I was never good enough at it. I would have improved if I continued practicing but that didn’t happen. Ah well. Here is a picture of my last drawing:

And that's all I have to share, now its your turn!

I choose to tag Andrea, Shannon, Silvina, kristin, Crystal, Kate, and Crys. Lets keep it going!

My 2nd RE appointment and new plan

We didn't have much to discuss, but I suppose that's good so I wont complain.

The happiest person about our appointment is Jeff. His second SA results were much much better than his first. And even though his morphology (the way the sperm looks) wasn't good, its nothing to worry about. He actually told the RE that he feels better about his manhood again. The RE being a man, laughed and said he knew what he meant, then he switched to Dr. mode and explain to Jeff that medically they don't see it that way, yadi yadi yada. Jeff is very pleased with himself. The things that make men be proud of themselves I tell ya!

One down, one more to go.

Me? I'm good. My tumor? Its only 6mm and according to the RE that's very good. I rather not have it but I guess there is no way to "will" it out. Is there? If anyone knows of a way, they better start sharing. I'm going to start taking drugs. Bromocriptine is going to be my new addiction. One every evening and hopefully I will avoid most of its many side effects. What are they? Well lets see: low blood pressure, mild nausea, vomiting, abdominal cramps, diarrhea or constipation, headache, dizziness or drowsiness, dry mouth, nasal stuffiness, etc. This should be fun. Jeff is just happy that moodiness is not included. Because you know, that's the only one that would affect him. I could smack him sometimes, I swear.

Bromocriptine is supposed to help me lower my prolactin level and maybe shrink my tumor. I'll be taking 2.5 mg, the lowest dose and hopefully that does the trick. Otherwise we'll have to increase it along with increase risk of side effects. I don't want that. I don't, I don't, I don't! I'm going to do another blood work in 2 weeks to see if its working and go from there. The RE also said that I'll have to do another MRI in one year to check out the tumor and if its still small then in another 5 years. Um, another MRI? I don't know about that. Unless its very open I'm just going to refuse it. Not a good thing for a claustrophobic. One time was bad enough.

So what does this all mean for our TTC journey?

That we have the green light to start trying again. Woohoo!!!!!

I was already suffering from POAS withdrawal. I missed it terribly. So much that the first thing I did when I came home was to POAS. And no, I'm not ovulating yet, darn. I knew I wasn't because I didn't start my new drug yet but I still had a little hope. My new addiction is going to help regulate my body to ovulate. Once my prolactin levels are down I should be able to get AF monthly. This is going to give me more chances to drop more eggies and hopefully get me knocked up fast.

The RE gave us the option to try this along with Clomid if we want to be aggressive about TTC. I want to be aggressive believe me but I'm a chicken. I have no idea what side effects will hit me with either drug so I decided to try Bromocriptine alone for now. He said we could try this for 3-6 months and then move on to Clomid. Trust me I'm not waiting that long. We've been trying for a while now and nothing. If in one or two cycles it doesn't happen naturally I'm going for it. I'm sorry for Jeff, Clomid does have moodiness as side effect, but he'll survive. I hope.

Christmas to do list

1. Finish decorating.
2. Buy new ornaments and change the tree.... Its already up but for some reason I'm not feeling my ornaments this year. I want new ones 'cause you know: new house, new look. Though, I doubt I'll get to that one this year.


3. Christmas shopping... Um, I'm very late with that. Shame on me.. and Jeff.. I'm not taking all the blame here.


4. Start writing our Christmas cards and send them out. At least we already have them, right?


5. Stop procrastinating. I know this should be on top of my list but if I move it up then I have to start with that one... not much fun.

On other news:

-We never did find our camera charger so we ordered a new one... from China. According to Jeff it was much cheaper and I shouldn't be upset that it will take a few weeks. His point was that we already had months without a camera so what's my rush? Um, I dunno... Christmas? I want nice holiday pics but I guess he is right so I can't argue his point. I do have my camera phone so that will do. I guess.

-My next RE appointment is Wednesday the 17th. I'll find out what we are going to do for sure about the whole baby making business.

-Think I'm giving up Twilight so easily? Well, no. This is what I want:

"I guess I just lost my husband.....

.....I don't know where he went"

I so understand Pink when she sings this line.... well kinda... I actually know where he went:

To Facebook!

Jeff joined Facebook about 3 weeks ago and that’s how long I haven’t really spent time with him. I’ll admit, I’m a bit jealous. He spends his time talking to all these pretty ladies from his past (the guys don't count). I’m fine with that but I’m jealous because I can’t find any of my old friends on it. Now that’s not fair, is it? At work he can’t get on to the website but he talks to them on the phone. A bit obsessive I tell ya. Not that I can complain, maybe I'm the one whose obsessive trait rubbed off on him.

Anyway, it’s been too long without a husband so tonight I’m kidnapping him. No Facebook for him. Then again, knowing him, he will get on at 1:00 am just to check his wall... the Facebook whore that he is!

Flu shot or coincidence?

You know how they say that you don't get the flu from the flu shot?

Liars, liars, pants on fire!

I'm sick. Jeff is sick. We've been sick for almost a week now. And it feels a lot like the flu. This happened just a few days after getting the shot. What conclusion am I supposed to come up with? I know "they" say that you only get sick if you already had it in your system, but we were fine before. That's all I'm saying.

Since I've known Jeff I noticed that he tends to always get the flu right after he gets the shot. I experimented with his health a few years back and asked him not to get it... and surprise, surprise that was the only year he didn't get the flu. See? Wifey knows best. OK, not really but it proves my point. This year I decided to follow his lead and I got it too. I figured I'm TTC'ing and its the right thing to do. Second time I got it and second time I got sick, doesn't help my already pre-conceived notion, does it?

Maybe its just coincidence. Maybe Jeff always has it in his system and the shot brings it out, who knows? Maybe its just because our guards are down. I've been on the sad side with my due date, our fertility issues and my stupid tumor. Um, I mean nice tumor. I don't want to upset it... just in case.

Maybe our stress made us sick? I don't know. But I want to investigate into this whole flu shot thing..... I think its out to get us.

This is one explanation....

I've been more on the down side about this whole TTC thing, so I decided to lighten the mood up a bit. Ever wonder why it can take so long to get knocked up? Wonder no more.....

Ok, now I'm sad =(

I'm sure I miscarried for a good reason, but I would have loved being ready to pop right now. At one point I saw today's date as the most exciting one coming up. Now? Not so much. Instead of giving birth there is AF. Bwaaawaaa. Sniff. Sniff.

I also got all the results for our testings. Jeff's "boys" analysis was better this time. He only has mild morphology issue, but we can work with that. Our bloodwork result was "unremarkable" as my RE said, except for my prolactin levels. Not surprising.

And then there is my MRI....

I do have a tumor BUT its benign. I have to go chit chat with the RE to discuss treatments. I'm a bit scared. According to our first "talk" before we knew if I did have a tumor or not, we'll do drugs. If the drugs fail to shrink it then surgery will have to be done. I say give me the drugs, up the dose, don't be shy. I can handle it. I just hope it doesn't shrink my brain too. I need my few brain cells, you know?

I am, however, very happy that the tumor is not malignant. So I guess that's good news on this sad day. No, I don't guess. I know. Thank you God... now... please help me preserve some brain cells =)

December 2nd, 2008....My Due Date

How am I supposed to feel? Frustrated? Sad? Angry? Horrified that I’m not at least pregnant yet… nine months later? Instead I’m waiting for AF. Surprisingly I don’t feel any of that. All I feel is empty.

No baby for Christmas. No pregnant belly for new years. And honestly I’m having a POAS withdrawal so I don’t even have that satisfaction. We are obviously not trying right now because we are waiting on our results so I haven’t been Peeing on any sitcks. Maybe I’ll do that on Christmas morning just for something TTC related. It’ll be an ovulation stick though; there is no need to waste a good pregnancy test.


My stomach is completely empty. Well kinda… I did eat a lot over the weekend with a good jump-start on Thanksgiving. It should be illegal how much I ate. Either way, the emptiness I feel sucks. Expecting AF tomorrow to remind me how non-pregnant I am sucks more. Boo.

First RE appointment

I'm a bit late on this but I was busy getting older and obsessing over Twilight. Sorry.

We met the RE last Wednesday. He is very nice and made us feel comfortable. He went over both our results with us and gave us an idea of what to expect along with prescriptions for more testing. Great.

Jeff has to do another Semen Analysis. The RE said that the low count could have been due to a cold, fever or stress. This doesn't help Jeff's case. The man is always stressed. Anxiety should be his middle name. But we'll see the next results and go from there. He might have to see a Urologist but lets hope he doesn't have to. Jeff's mood increased significantly after finding out that his result may have just been because of stress. His ego feels a little better, and he is not as upset about having to do another analysis this time. Why? Because he doesn't have to do his thing and hurry to a lab in less than 30 minutes to drop his boys off. This time he gets to go to the RE's office where they have a proper room with visuals. Yay for him.

I of course had to do my MRI on Saturday. I'm waiting for the results and trying not to freak out. No one wants to hear they might have a tumor in their brain. I really really hope that its nothing or that its less than 1 cm which the RE said we could work with. Easy for him to say. I just think less than 0 cm is the best, and he is content with less than 1 cm? Clearly its not his brain we have to worry about. If that is the case, then we move on to taking drugs to bring down my prolactin levels. Either Bromocriptine or Cabergoline. They both sound weird to me, the only thing I know for sure is that they are expensive. The best news he gave me is that he is ruling out all other diagnosis and that all I have is the high prolactin. He said the symptoms mimic those for the PCOS and he doesn't think I have that. I don't have excessive guy hormones after all woohoo!

Depending on Jeff's results I might just take one of the drugs to regulate my cycles and try ala natural. Or we can be more aggressive and try that with IUI and maybe even with Clomid. This is to be discussed after we have all the facts together. I personally would just go for it and screw the facts but I guess he has to be a goody-two-shoes. Whatever I guess. =)

Jeff and I both went early this morning to get blood work done. The attendant had a great advice for us. She said: "just relax and it will happen." I almost took the needle and stuck it in her. There is something you never, ever, hear. I mean who would think of relaxing? It seems to be the new treatment no one has heard of. Gosh! Those of us with fertility issues DO NOT want to hear that. You know? We were plenty relaxed when we first started trying and were very naive too, it didn't help. I don't live far I might still go poke her with a needle. Tempting.

Happy Birthday to me!

I would sing happy birthday to myself but no one (specially me) wants to hear that. There is no need for a headache.

I'm now 28 years old. My gift? An MRI.

I had that done today. I didn't like it. It lasted about 50 minutes and I was freaking out. Its hard when you are claustrophobic, you want to scream, you are about to pass out but absolutely must stay still. I wanted to stop it quite a few times but didn't want to stay longer just because I was stupid enough to interrupt it. Then I convinced myself that I don't have to do it if I don't want to and if I have a tumor I don't want to know anyway. After all the drama in my head, I was taken out given a shot and went back in for another 15 minutes. At this point I was thinking Jeff was better off without me but stuck it out like a big girl. But if I have to do it again I'm going to stamp my feet and refuse to do it.

My first present was Twilight.

Um, I don't want to say much. I liked some parts but I'm disappointed. I don't know... I'm confused. I think their low budget ruined the movie and some of the acting wasn't too good. I'm not saying anymore except that it wont stop me from seeing the future movies if they make them, I'm sure the budget will be much bigger. Plus I'm a fan so I'll be there.

Obsession, Obsessive, Obsessed

Who? Me? Never.

OK. I confess. Always obsessed is more like it.

Its part of who I am and always will be along with my love for the dramatic. I try balancing my obsessions but that never works out. There is always one that wins and tower above others. Wanna guess which one that is right now? It has to do with vampires =)

I can’t wait for the movie on Friday. Jeff was such a sweetheart and bought the tickets a few weeks ago and will take me on opening night. What an awesome husband! He is taking me to see my vampire crush… well…. he will be there as a chaperone but its still nice. It’s actually a good idea that I go with Jeff anyway, he will make sure I behave myself and not be too wild. Also, he'll be handy if I have the need to bite someone.You never know.

Obsession # 2 happens to be our fertility issues. Tomorrow is our first appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist and that’s when all the intensive testing starts… including my feared cat scan. This whole thing is very depressing but lucky for me I’ve had the Twilight series to keep me distracted. See how it all comes down to obsession #1? Very important stuff I tell ya. I owe my sanity to my fantasy romance with a vampire… then again that proves that maybe I’m not that sane.

The last thing on my obsession list: my 28th birthday. (Saturday)

I’m not sure how I feel about it. 28 is young. I know that but my life isn’t where I thought it would be at this point. I have many blessings and for that I am grateful. I have the sweetest husband, a house of our own, and a wonderful family. I’ll get back to you on the health department though; the status is currently on hold. All in all my life is great, I’m just missing a mini me (he or she, whichever). I’m a bit nervous cause this birthday means I’m very close to 30 and I have to start parting ways with my 20’s, I'm getting old. On the other hand I’m excited cause 28 will be the age that I become a Mommy. Right? I hope so anyway, since I'll be working on that obsessively. Whether its the natural or the scientific way I know God will bless us with our own little brat.

OK, back to #1..... I have 2 more days... woohoo! The movie starts at 10 pm and end at midnight so I'll go in being 27 and will come out 28. I'm going to age during a vampire movie. Weird.

Could things get worse?

I should definitely stay away from that question in the future.

My RE appointment is this coming Wednesday. As it approaches, my mind is going a million miles per minute and of course I investigate. I need to know what to expect and I need to understand what they tell me. I don't speak Doctor language and I try to learn as much as I can so I don't have to sit there with a dumb look on my face while things are being explained to me. A bit obsessive yes, and it doesn't help that certain members of my family are kind of the same. My sister-in-law, Jeff's brother's wife, has a cousin who deals with my type of issues. She can obsessive too and went digging to find out about what's going on with me. She found out that the Fertility group I'm going to is really great, this is good. The bad thing is that she also found out that I will need a cat scan.

I freaked out of course. Then I had Jeff call his aunt who is a Doctor, I don't feel comfortable talking to his family members on the phone, I'm weird, and she said I will absolutely need one. My high prolactin levels are to be blamed. Its one thing to know that I have certain health problems but when you bring in the words "cat scan" it all just sounds worse. Why didn't my OB/GYN tell me this? I'm not sure, she did say she wasn't comfortable discussing these things on the phone and I didn't push because I was shocked.

Forget my other three issues, they are on the back burner for now. Back to this high prolactin level thingy, it can be caused by a number of things including thyroid and kidney problems so I will be tested on these too. Or it can be caused by a tumor in the pituitary gland, which is in the brain. This is why I need to get a cat scan, in case I have an unwanted growth, which if I do.... explains a lot about my brain..... but I don't so that's that. I trust my self-diagnosis more than my future cat scan.

In my heart, I know that I'm fine. I have faith that its nothing too bad and that I will OK. But this same heart is beating very very fast because of the small possibility of things turning ugly. I'm trying my best not to worry too much but I'm still pretty freaked out. I wont be able to breathe freely until that possibility is ruled out. Can you help me pray that the only thing wrong with my brain is that I think too much? Its most likely the cause anyway, me being me and all.

Twilight

I finished reading all four books and I have to confess:

I'm crushing.










Edward Cullen can bite me anytime.


Jeff who? OK, not seriously. Jeff can bite but he is no vampire and he doesn't want to kill me each second of everyday. Well maybe he does in which case our marriage is a little more romantic than I thought since he is holding back on killing me.

Isn't it perfect that the movie comes out right in time for my birthday? Well the day before, but still its like meant to be!! I feel like I'm 17 years old again. ***Sigh***

I'm not into Robert Pattinson but him as Edward, only as Edward... heck yeah!!! It might just be because of the character but it doesn't matter I'll still ask Jeff for a pass on letting Edward (Robert) bite me if I ever get the chance. Umm, I guess I'll give him permission to let Catherine Zeta Jones bite him too... if he must...



And I know its a little childish but I think Bella should go hang out with Catherine by the edge of a cliff.... just saying...

Happy Birthday Jeff!

30-ish years ago my Darling Jeff was born. I'm not saying his age cause apparently he feels old. He needs to get a grip though..... he is not even 35 yet. This counts right? I can say what age he is not. He never specified that I couldn't give a hint of how old he wasn't.

I didn't really plan much. I was going to take him out to a romantic dinner but his Mom wants to eat with us tonight. I couldn't deny her that. She is after all the person who made him for me... and she absolutely insisted on paying for dinner. How could I refuse? Besides, I still have the weekend to celebrate with him.

I hope he can snap out of his sadness and have some fun. Since we heard about our infertile status its been hard to not think about it. Umm, time to ask an old friend to give a hand... a glass or two of wine always seems to help. Not fully but at least momentarily to help him enjoy his birthday. It makes me very sad to see him so down so if I get him really drunk its not exactly on purpose.

I love you Jeff, happy birthday =)

I'm infertile, where is the party?

"Too many things wrong."

That's what my Dr. said to me today. There are too many things wrong with both Jeff and I.

We are now welcomed into the world of infertility.

Jealous?

Nah, I wouldn't be either. Though, it does make life a bit more interesting... somewhat... I think? Who am I kidding? Nothing I come up with will make me feel better right now.

On Monday, CD1, I went to get my blood work done. Spent quite a long time there, they did a few different tests including a 2 hour Glucose test. Imagine my surprise (and my boss's) when I found out I was going to be there for such a long time. Anyway, my Dr. told me that I have a few things: PCOS*, high Prolactin levels**, and something else but I forgot. Also, I didn't respond well to the Glucose testing which she said makes me prone to Diabetes.

On Tuesday, after a couple of hours of porn, Jeff dropped off his "boys" at the lab to be analyzed and made his way into work. Apparently he loves me so much he doesn't want me to feel that its all my fault and decided to have low sperm count and too many white blood cells, this is called leukocytospermia.***

My Dr. said that there is nothing she can do to help us. She said Clomid wouldn't make a difference for us and that its safer to see a specialist. She gave me the number of a Reproductive Endocrinologist which made me smile, its: (000) 000-BABY. I'm not giving you the full number, he is my RE and I'm not sharing... unless you are in NY and need it.

I don't know what to think. Part of me is so freaked out and obviously upset and the other is somewhat relieved. At least now we know what's wrong... I think. We'll have to do a lot more tests with the RE but for now we have an idea and will try to work on it. I don't think my insurance covers infertility in which case I'll have to wait until next year to start treatments. Great isn't it? I get to wait even more. Hey, at least that gives me time for one more AF sometime in the next 2 months. That would make 6 periods for 2008. This is so F*cked up. I guess I'm angrier than I thought.


How the heck do I have one thing that causes high masculinizing hormones and have milk production at the same time? I'm not a guy nor am I pregnant. Seriously? I mean really? Seriously for real?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*PCOS- polycystic ovary syndrome is an endocrine disorder. It is the most common hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age, and is a leading cause of infertility. It causes excessive amounts or effects of androgenic (masculinizing) hormones, irregular or lack of periods and chronic anovulation (lack of ovulation).

**Prolactin- Its best-known function is to promote milk production in lactating (breastfeeding) women. Elevated prolactin levels (called hyperprolactinemia) may interfere with ovulation and menstrual cycle regularity. They may also cause galactorrhea (inappropriate milk secretion) and decreased libido (sex drive).

***Leukocytospermia- when a high white blood cell count in semen is typically over one million leukocytes per milliliter. In large quantities, white blood cells can have a detrimental effect on male fertility. This is because leukocytes cause the oxidation of cells. If you have high numbers of white blood cells in your sperm, this could result in the oxidation of sperm cells, damaging their ability to fertilize an egg.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gone reading...

I got home today to find these on my steps waiting for me:








I keep hearing how great Twilight and the rest of Stephenie Meyer books are and since I'm a read-aholic I decided to test them out. I'm so excited and I haven't even started reading yet. I hope I'm not disapointed!

See you later.

The beach, The Sun....

Lately I've been dreaming more and more of a nice romantic vacation.

I want to go away and bake in the sun. I want to stare at the beach because I don't really swim in it. The pool yes, the beach not more than 5 minutes per day. I'm not sure why, I just don't enjoy it too much. Its probably the salt. All the sodium makes me bloated. Heehee. Maybe not in this case but that salty water does burn my eyes and I don't like it.

I could deal with chlorine a bit more plus I can stay near the edge. Did I mention I'm not a good swimmer? I know how to, I can, but not too good. I'm just happy Jeff is so tall. He can just reach down and pull me up. He already has experience doing that, he once saved his Mom in a pool by pulling her up so I feel confident. In the beach though, with the current and the uneven floor, and the jelly fishes or whatever I'm not too confident or relaxed. Neither is Jeff with me holding on to him for dear life. I'm a scardy cat.... I know.

Unfortunately we are done with vacations for this year and we didn't do anything because we were concentrating on the house. Um, we still are but with a lot of breaks. Anyway, I can't wait for next year so we can go away. Then again I might not have to wait for too long, this year is flying by very very fast.

I think we might try a cruise. We've never been on a cruise before but hear wonderful things about them. I have really bad motion sickness though so that kinda holds me back. Is it as bad on a big big huge cruise? I wonder. I should just find out. I've thought of getting the motion bands if we ever get on a cruise, I just hope they have nice ones since its going to be in all the pictures (If we ever find the charger and memory card reader). Until then I have to work on getting my passport though, that would probably help. Oh, I will be sharing my past vacation stories soon, including the one where my passport got stolen and I was left stranded in Italy with my Mom. And the one when Jeff almost died. Yes seriously, he almost died. Fun? Not so much.

October 15th

On a bit of a sad note:

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the US. At seven pm local time, across every time zone, all are invited to join in lighting a candle in remembrance and honour of little ones loved and missed.

I will be lighting 3 candles. One would obviously be for my loss, another one will be for my cousin who passed when he was 6 years old. That was exactly 4 years and 6 months ago and I know he is in heaven taking care of his family who misses him very much. And the third candle will be in memory of all of those little angels who are now with God.

On a much happier note:

Today is my nephew's birthday. He is turning 16 and I love him more than he will ever know. In my eyes his presence proves to me that miracles can happen. You see, my sister had complications with her pregnancy and unless they did a C-section both her and the baby's lives were at stake. So that's what they did except that Jenny was only 6 months pregnant.

They had Antonio, my nephew, in an incubator for what seemed like forever, I'm not too sure but I think about a month or more. He was a tiny, very tiny little thing with needles and tubes all over his body. He was improving but not enough. When he was finally able to breathe on his own they gave him to my sister to take home. I freaked out the first time I held him. His head was literally smaller than an apple. I don't know his exact weight or length but at the time he was half the size of a newborn. Very scary. Even scarier, the Dr. told my sister not to get too attached because the way Antonio's health was going he wouldn't live more than a week. It was the saddest thing to see my sister deal with that. And who couldn't fall in love with the baby? He was absolutely adorable and the cutest baby ever.

Jenny took care of him like no other mother could. I remember she would keep his body surrounded with cotton balls under the blankets to make sure he was warm. She kept his hands and fingers covered, I think with baby socks, because his finger nails hadn't formed yet. I'm not sure she even dared kiss his bare skin to avoid any infection. Can you imagine how difficult that's for a mother? He was extremely vulnerable and he was so lucky to have her as his Mom, still is lucky.

The Drs. were surprised to see him after that week passed but still cautioned her that any of his organs could fail at any time. Week after week they were surprised. When they were finally confident that his health was good, they simply said that he was a miracle.

That's what he is to me: a miracle. If someone is responsible for me having faith, and knowing that anything is possible, its him, my awesome 16 year old nephew who is getting stalked by girls already.

Happy Birthday Antonio!

I love you.

We have a plan!

I'm so freaking excited I can't stand myself.

About 3 weeks ago I decided to make an appointment with my OBGYN because I clearly have issues. Make story short, for this entire year I've had only 5 periods including the miscarriage. For a regular person this is not good, for a person trying to conceive this is terrible. I just noticed that my AF's are coming around people's birthdays, like she feels she should make an appearance or something.

Anyway, I think that I am ovulating most of the time, just very very late. I finally dropped my eggie this past weekend on day 47, other girls have had two AF's in that time, that sucks. Well, I'm now in the 2 week wait again to find out if BFP or not.

My Dr. was great. She is going to act fast, real fast. I have to wait next week to see what happens and then get this baby project moving. She would have given me Provera to make AF show but we have to make sure I'm not pregnant first. On the 20th, I'm going for blood work to find out if BFP and a whole lot of other tests to see what's going on with me. If its negative I will be getting AF, with or without help, and I will be put on Clomid to help me ovulate more regularly. I'm happy that she wont be wasting time, she even wants Jeff to be tested now instead of waiting 3 to 6 more cycles on Clomid.

Its so great that we have a plan even if it doesn't work at least I'll have 50% more chance by ovulating every month. It would be even better if I didn't need all that because I'm already knocked up. Of course that would be the case right? When we get all geared up for testing and medications that gives us a chance to have twins (I'm a little excited about that) we wont need it cause our baby would be saying: Sike!

Is there a girl quota?

What's with all the baby girls?

Girls are being born everywhere. All the pregnant women I know are having girls or already popped them out. Real life and Internet. I think something is up.

Where are the boy's "boys" hiding? (Get it? get it?, OK I'm lame)

Is there something in the water that is making guys produce more "X" chromosomes? Or are girls being more badass than the boys? ..... hmm... "X" beats "Y"... I wouldn't be surprised. Girls are after all more mature than boys... There should still be at least one boy sneaking up somewhere.... but where?

I'm a little worried that either: A- I wont get a girl because its time to fill up the boys quota when I get pregnant or B- My girl (s) wont have any boys to marry in the future. Are we running out of guys? I hope not. Jeff needs a little sports buddy and I need a doll of my own.

I want a girl because I want to put pigtails on her head. I think its the cutest thing! A girl toy to play dress up. Heehee. The first time I had my baby niece Zamari all to myself, with barely any length to her hair and after A LOT of tries, this is what I did to her:

How adorable is that? Soooo adorable!!!!! Yes I answered my own question. Like I said before: I'm lame.

I have a total of 5 nieces and 2 nephews. The more I think about it the more I'm convinced that I'm going to have 2 boys. Someone has to balance out the girl/boy ratio in the family and we are the only ones left to have kids. Jeff's brother have one of each, my sister have one of each and my brother has 3 girls. I guess boys it is. I'll take it! We just want kids, healthy kids to smush with love.

Hey! Someone has to fill up the boys quota so that all those little girls can become beautiful brides right? By the way, they better give me at least one granddaughter so that I can practice my pigtails on her.

I love today... six years ago

On October 1st, 2002 I met my soul mate.

For the full story click here


This day will always mean a lot to me because its the day everything changed. I don't know what my life would have turned out like if I didn't meet Jeff but I'm glad I didn't have to find out.

I love my life.

I love Jeff.

I love who I am because of him.

There is no one else that can make me this happy. No one else who gets me (really gets me), who is very sweet, understanding, and has a huge heart......There is no one else whose imperfections I will accept. Jeff is not quite perfect (shocker), but he is totally the perfect one for me. How cliche! Actually, to be more honest, there is no one else who will put up with me and my imperfections. He has patience. A lot.

Thank you God for giving him to me. And now Jeff has to pay me 'cause I said nice things about him =)

I'm an addict

Hi my name is Shanny and I'm a pee-aholic.

For a lot of TTC'ers there is quite a numbers of days in which they POAS to see if they are ovulating. Double those days for me please. I have more days in my cycles so I never know when I will drop my egg and must keep peeing until I find out. When that's done you have your other week in which you POAS almost every day to see if you are pregnant. That's a lot.

After a year of this madness I have to admit that I look forward to doing it. Not because I expect a positive result (well maybe a little) but mostly because I'm so accustomed to it. I cannot go to bed with out "using" my pee sticks. I need to do it. I have to do it. I must.

In a way its a relieve (apart from the obvious) to know that if the stick is going to say "negative" at least I peed on it. Ha! take that you negative sticks! OK so maybe that's what they were made for BUT they weren't made for "mean" pee, were they? Nope, and that's exactly what they are getting cause they upset me.

I'm a pee-aholic 'cause I hide my sticks. I stash them in different garbage cans. You never know who is gonna check and judge you, do you? I hide them even from Jeff. Why? Because they are expensive and I may be using more sticks than I should.... daily... just to make sure... you never know. It has also crossed my mind, more than once, to buy different brands backup tests. How do I know that my monitor is working properly? Alright, so it got me pregnant the first time I used it but clearly you can no longer count on it. Clearly.

I've been known to take both the Ovulation and the Pregnancy tests on the same day. What if I had missed my positive O day and don't even know I'm knocked up. Its possible. Well for me anyway. Women tend to O between days 14-20 on average, not me. This cycle for example, I'm on day 37 and nothing. No O, no AF, no positive PG test. No sign of anything. Then again maybe I'm dying, slowly starting from my ovaries out and don't even know it.

Is there any You-are-dying-from-your-ovaries-out stick I can pee on to find out?

I want...

• A baby.

• I want to finish this whole house business because I want everything to be in its place.

• I have a place for a baby. I have its bedroom. I need my baby to put in there.

• I have another bedroom for my other baby. Twins would be nice. Pop them out at the same time and not have to argue with my body to ovulate for the second baby. Well actually I'm too scared of birth so I'd like to take the easy way out.

• I want my CBEFM to give me "high" and "peak" reading so that I can go... um... you know... with Jeff... in our house.... put things in their place.....

Phobia anyone?

If you have a phobia you know how hard it is to deal with whatever it is you are scared of.

I have arachnophobia.

I am absolutely petrified of spiders. No matter how tiny they are. Of course if they are huge its worse. I don't discriminate with spiders though, I'm scared of them all.

So what did I do? Me the arachnophobic decided to buy a house that has them inside and outside. They are EVERYWHERE! Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating a bit.... but not so much. I know they are on the trees and my basement and they crawl up to my living space every now and then. In my head though? They are EVERYWHERE. I cannot tell you how difficult it was for me to sleep the first few nights. I keep thinking they are going to attack me. The worse part is since I've moved in, I keep having nightmares that they are indeed attacking me.

The way they look. All those legs. Their spider webs. Ewwwwww. Don't get me wrong, I like the web... when it comes to the Internet. And I love Spiderman, but case in point: see what that tiny spider do to Tobey Maguire? It bit him!

I don't like it. End of story. I don't care how they are good because they eat all other bugs. How do I know they don't look at me thinking I'm a bug? What if they think I'm dinner? They probably do. In fact, I'm sure they look at me whispering to each other: "look at that nice piece of meat, lets get her while she is sleeping." Little bastards! I give them a roof and they plan on devouring me. How ungrateful.

I'm Cheating on Jeff

For the past week I've had an ongoing affair.



I know I should be ashamed of myself but I'm not. The new Mr. does things for me that Jeff will never EVER do in a million years. Don't go thinking that I'll give you the details either, this is my life and its private.... somewhat... considering I'm telling the whole Internet that I am a lying, cheating, shameless wife.



Before you judge me let me explain myself. My new Mr. is way more handy than Jeff, which now that I am working on the house I've found to be a very sexy trait. The past week was great. Jeff went to work and I was able to spend quality time with my new love. BUT my selfish husband is on vacation this week with me so now I have to find creative ways to hide my affair.



Maybe I'll just come clean with him. Maybe its time that I became Mrs. Clean and not Mrs. Cheater, what do you think? By the way here is his pic:


Oh My God. I love him. I know you think I'm crazy for being in love with Mr. Clean Magic Eraser but you have to try it. I share. My mom taught me to share so I'm being a good girl and sharing a great product. It erases the toughest stains. It saved me money on paint. I no longer have to paint the inside of the closets or my doors. They look sparkling clean thanks to my love affair. My dirty front door now looks new and beautiful.


I love you Mr. Clean, you are awesome!

Past events...

I have a few things I would like to write about and share pictures of.... the thing is.... I have no way of uploading pics yet. So I decided to write briefly about them.

1-There is a lot of changes in the house but I rather wait for the pictures so you can see the before and after. I think I'm just going to wait until my furniture is in, 'cause at this point what's the difference?

2-Happy belated birthday to my brother Danny!

Not actually belated I did see him on his day... but as far as the blogging world goes it is in fact belated. As he says himself, he just turned 29 years plus 24 months, he is too darn cute! He has the biggest heart and is always there for me when I need him. My sister and I are lucky to have him =)

3-Congratulations to my cousin who got married 2 weeks ago. The same wedding where I got free therapy in form of a glass (I'm not saying what was in the glass). My sister Jenny was a doll and e-mailed me some pics, we have a lot of nice family shots but the only one I could open was this one:

This was after the reception was over and we were getting ready to leave. NO, I wasn't getting fresh with her, I was merely being sweet by putting her shoes on for her. As you can see I did a good job so if anyone wants to hire me to put their shoes on I am looking for a second job. References are available upon request.

Home "strange" home

Tonight is the first night we will be spending in our house.

I've been painting and painting and it seems that I'm not getting anywhere. Well unless you wanna count the paint I have on my hands and arms.....

There is a lot to do, but we will get there eventually. We were living in a 1 bedroom apartment before and now we live in a 3 bedroom house with a biga$$ basement, huge backyard and 2 garages. We have so much space we don't know what to do with ourselves or our things. So what did we decide to do? We have an empty house and we put all of our possessions in the garage. Bit backwards no?

The good thing is that I'm on vacation for the next two weeks and Jeff will join me next week so we expect to get a lot done. So far we've already painted most of the rooms, sanded our hardwood floors and refinished it in the whole house, now we just have to furnish, decorate, and sit back and relax. Sometimes I think its just easier to move ourselves into the garage to end the headache, um.... I might just do that...

Since its the first night here, I have to honestly say that it feels very odd. Its a strange place to me....for now..... I'm sure as we start getting everything together it will slowly start feeling as our home sweet home...

Oh I miss you so!

Oh Internet I don't know how people ever survived without you. I.Need.You.In.My.Life.24/7.

These past weeks have been frustrating. No TV, No house, no bathroom, no Internet, no personal things, no BFP, nothing...NOTHING... But I did have some alcohol over the weekend to help my frustration... oh yes I did.

I didn't drink because I'm an alcoholic or anything, my cousin got married and I saw an opportunity for free therapy in form of a glass (or a few) of girly girl drinks. I had a blast!

We've had some issues with the bathroom and our contractor and things are taking longer (waaay longer) than expected. Its OK, it is what it is. And before you go thinking that Jeff and I are stinking because of no bathroom let me clear up that we are staying with my parents until we can move in to our house. We don't stink! I don't even feel like I own a house 'cause I'm not there, but I'm sure our future mortgage payments will knock home ownership feelings into my head.... and bank account.

The only bad thing about staying with my parents? Their cable is not working and the Internet connection is the dial up... remember that? I think the 4 blocks around here heard when I got on.... And its taking quite a long time to browse.... good news though: cable guy coming tomorrow...yay! And no, I don't really have time at work for "play" or access to blogs, forums, etc. How inconsiderate of them!

I'll update soon and hopefully I'll have some before and after pictures.

Two homes = twice the work

I’m sitting here ready to pull my hair out, and I would do it if I weren’t too tired or if it wasn’t glued down to my scalp with paint. OK, so I’m exaggerating a little bit but I’m allowed to. The paint is actually already out but I want to complain anyway.

We are still living in the apartment until the 15th (this Friday, yikes!). I have yet to clear out all of the 5 closets to pack them and also clean up before we leave… all that while working and cleaning/painting the house… that’s a lot of work. Thank God we already made the BIG move last Saturday.

We are exhausted!

We wouldn’t have survived this far if it wasn’t for my brother. God bless that man! Also my sister-in-law, sister, nieces and nephew have been helping with the priming/painting. We’ve done a lot of painting and yet not enough…. I’m kinda ready to give up, but I won’t. I’m too proud.

Jeff is doing better since his fall. His bruises are healing really well so I’m going to keep him even busier now. (Get ready honey). He’s been living in Home Depot. By the way, when we said we were moving we didn’t realize it would be to Home Depot, which I’m now sharing with Danny (my brother) and Zaira (sister-in-law). They are also remodeling their house, DIY style and I can’t thank them enough for taking time out of their very very busy working/remodeling schedule to help us. We are the un-handiest couple you can come across, so like I said we wouldn’t have survived without them.

I'm a homeowner!

OK.... Co-homeowner.... but homeowner nonetheless...

Its the weirdest thing. I feel strange and to be honest I'm somewhat in denial.

We closed on Friday, August 1st and celebrated individually. We went to my cousin and her fiance's bachelor/bachelorette parties and enjoyed our home ownerships with completely half-naked strangers. Then we met up at a club, actually the guys came to stalk us girls (party poopers), went to eat by the beach and got home around 7:30 in the morning. Needless to say the first day of owning a home we spent it sleeping. When we finally got up we went shopping for paints and supplies. That was it.

The second day, my poor Jeff decided to check the gutter out but was on a weak ladder and fell about 8 feet to concrete floor. Thank God he is OK. No fractures just really nasty bruises on his right side and arm. That was scary!

We are now in the middle of remodeling the bathroom, my brother completely gutted everything: no walls, floors or ceiling, all down to studs. I'm very excited to see the final bathroom and I will share the before and after pictures. While that's being done we are painting the rest of the house with my sister-in-law Zaira's help. Yay! This coming Saturday is our big moving day and I can't wait to get that over with.

Does anyone else think Jeff hurt himself so that he doesn't have to do too much work???? Too convenient if you ask me......

What kind of blog?

Does it seem like I forgot this was a TTC blog? Kinda…..

Apparently while I’ve been trying to "ignore" my sadness of not being PG yet, I’ve shifted my blog towards my new house. I’ve been in the packing/moving mode and lately I’ve been checking out remodeling and design websites religiously.

I wish I could tell you that I’ve been working out. As of Sunday my elliptical machine is under a few boxes, so needless to say: moving + TTC does not equal exercise. Oops! I am, however, eating more fruits & vegetables and less junk. So at least I’m doing something for my health. I’m still proud of myself though…. somewhat… maybe…… maybe not…

Either way, I’m wondering how interesting it will be to TTC while moving, painting, remodeling and maybe exercising all at the same time. Most likely I will have to give up something during that period of time right? You better believe its not going to be TTC. Umm, I really hope my family is not around helping out when we must must must babydance. It might not be fun for them to wait for us until we are done, will it? Hee hee, O.K. So we’ll figure out another way. (I hope, for their sake!)

If you thought that writing more about the house has nothing to do with my future baby, you are sooo wrong. I mean it’s all about the baby, where else is the baby supposed to live? We need to put a roof over the baby tiny’s head, no?

In short, my blog is about whatever I want it to be. Its about Jeff, our life together, our new house and its all for our future baby…. Or is it’s all about me?