Good Bye '09... and I do mean Bye

All I'm going to say to you is: wam bam thank you ma'am!


You sucked. Seriously, you did.

You started off with a bang and followed up with some crap, you gave me a BFP but took it back right away. And if messing with me the whole year didn't make you happy enough, you are giving me some horrible last days...

Maybe its me. Maybe my body is just too darn sensitive but it doesn't matter cause I rather blame you '09. You hear me?


My BCP's, which the only thing consistent with me taking them is that its never on time (yes, still), made me sick. And when I got used to them I had to start with the doxycycline which made me feel worse. I keep throwing up like there is no tomorrow. Thankfully I'm OK after 2 or 3 hours of taking it...... until I have to take it again which is twice a day, I know, lucky me. The only positive thing I can find about it is that I'll be used to puking when I'm finally pregnant.


Then yesterday I experienced my water brake. Yes, you read that right. Sadly it had nothing to do with me giving birth but I guess its like a heads up (no pun intended). I had my water sonogram/HSG and mock transfer. Not getting into too much details but I'll tell you that after they inserted a lot of saline I had a lil issue. When I got up to get dressed a big gush of it came out and messed up the floor. Um, oops? And while I was horrified Jeff apparently thought I peed myself cause he gave me a dirty look and asked what the hell I was doing. As if it was on purpose, then again I had to pee badly thanks to the 3 bottles of water I drank for the procedure, guess I can't blame him.  And in case you were wondering, I cleaned everything up.


Also, I think you should know, the mock tranfer was good. My path is clear and my uterus perfect, apart fom the fact that it likes to kill. Anyway, 2010 is a new year for my uterus to redeem herself, so we'll see.


And to you awesome readers: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! =)

I'm single handedly sabotaging this entire operation

You would think that if it’s on my mind, oh I don’t know, 24/7? The least I could do is remember to take the darn BCP’s on time every night, right? Wrong.

That would simply be too easy. I was so anxious the first night that I took it at 7pm. After that though? It seems that my brain only registers the need for it between 7:15 and 7:45 pm. I know. Shame on me! The sad thing is if this doesn’t work out, I’ll kick myself in the behind after, wondering if I messed up my cycle during the whole “prevention” phase. Cause we all know the birth control pills are absolutely necessary when trying to get pregnant and like it or not, its one of the keys to getting me knocked up with IVF.

And technically could I set up an alarm to remind me? Sure. But that would be demeaning myself. If I don’t have confidence in my own sense of responsibility, who will? But,  um… if anyone wants to take over and bring a glass of water with the BCP’s to their (awesome) wife at 6:59pm every night until Jan. 10^th… that would be incredibly sweet, wouldn’t it? (FYI: its in my purse)

Pssst, Pssst....I have drugs.... shhhhh!

Because I have a flare for the dramatic, I present to you:

My Stash of Drugs

And you may have noticed the bottle of Tequila,no? Last row on the left.

That would be my "shot" of choice if I could, but nooooo!

Either way, if this darn IVF doesn't work out, trust me, that bottle and me?

We are going to be one. 

And the sad thing is that I have more drugs than that, but the 

 insurance wont approve more than a certain amount at a time, yadi yadi yada

My pic could have been filled with even more drama!

Anyway...

Here is the deal, for those who may be doing IVF in the future and are interested in protocols. And I know I shouldn't be wishing you IVF, but you know? Misery loves company. I kid, I kid! And that's it. From now on, this post gets serious(-ly boring)

I had to write this up because I appreciated finding the very few posts about protocols and if it could help anyone in their obsessive ways, then I'm glad. If not, I'll at least have it for my own reference. I will be doing the:

Birth Control Pill with Lupron Method.

1- Birth Control is taken to suppress the pituitary, to resolve any residual ovarian cyst (which I have), and to allow flexibility in the schedule. I started on day 2 and will take it for 3 weeks. In between, I'm doing the water sono and taking antibiotics.

2- My third week of birth control will be overlapped with the Lupron injections. Its used to further suppress the pituitary in order to prevent ovulation. I have to take it for at least 2 weeks in the mornings between 6 and 9. Then go to work, wonderful.

3- Then I start Menopur injections, I think I overlap it with second week of Lupron, haven't received my detailed calendar yet, and I don't remember. Menopur is a mix of human-follicle stimulating hormone (FSH), and luteinizing hormone (LH) and are responsible for inducing follicles/eggs.

4-I then get to add Gonal-F injections for even more ovarian stimulation. Like menopur, it helps to develop multiple eggs. Lots of ultrasounds around these times. And blood tests.

5- Start the Progesterone Oil shots somewhere here.

6- Get a Novarel shot (HCG) when ultrasound and estrogen levels show my follicles are mature. I will be using Novarel to induce ovulation within 36 hours. Yet another shot.

7- At exactly 35 1/2 hours, I will have my egg retrieval. This is the scariest part, but I will have an IV aneshesia (thank God). A long needle is introduced into the pelvic space through the vagina wall under ultrasound guidance, and eggs aspiration will be done.  Yikes!

8- They do insemination, and/or ICSI (IntraCytoplasmic Sperm Injection) into the eggies and wait for embryo culture.

9- Get embryo transfer, either 3 or 5 days later, depending on their developments.

10- Start Estradiol and progesterone supplements.

11- Wait 2 weeks, and find out if Yay or Nay.

So You Wanna Get Pregnant?

Start your Birth Control Pills, Duh.

On that note, I’m getting ready to get pregnant!.... by starting my birth control pills tonight. The concept still boggles my mind, but hey! Who am I to question the process? It makes sense when you think about it. Those who have a thousand kids are the ones who were avoiding them to begin with. So I get it, its almost like reverse psychology for my uterus. Good luck with that one Doc, my uterus is not easy to fool cause she is very smart, if I do say so myself. But if you wanna try it, we’ll try it. I have nothing to lose apart from not getting pregnant, which I do (or don’t?) all on my own anyways.

And so it begins……

The info below is for me. You don’t have to read it but if you want to, it’s ok. I understand if you can’t get enough of my thoughts. I can’t either, honestly.

Next week schedule:

Sunday- Blood test.

Monday- Stress Management session. Which I have to pay for out of pocket, but it’s required by clinic. They want me to pay them for managing the stress that they caused in the first place. Bastards only want my money!

Tuesday- IVF Consent signing. – Begin taking Doxycycline, twice a day for 5 days (both of us). Its antibiotics, in case you are still reading.

Wednesday- Time for my water sonogram. I hope it’s in a hot tub because it’s too cold for a pool. Heehee. Ok so that’s not how it works, sue me. I have to have an extremely full bladder before my romantic session with the lovely vag-cam. Then they insert the thing and put the other thing and cause me lots of pains. Then I get to go to work and smile.

I Sad

As much as I’m trying to stay in a positive mood, I’m failing.

I’m really freaked out about IVF. And I’m really pi$$ed off about it too. I can keep asking God why?why?why? over and over again but it wont change the fact that this is my faith right now. I either take it or I leave it. And I refuse to go down without a fight so I guess I’m taking it. I already spent enough time crying over it so its time to move on and accept what has to be done. But I can still be pi$$ed that I have to do it right?

I haven’t put up a Christmas tree this year, or lights, or any decorations. I’ve checked our holiday boxes several times over the past 3 weeks and can’t find myself to decorate. I guess my Christmas spirit is lost and I have no interest in looking for it. I don’t have my one year old, I don’t have my 3 month old, I’m not pregnant, and I can’t get pregnant, if I want to get pregnant I have to do IVF, and if I get pregnant my uterus (aka killing machine) might end it as usual. I think that I’m being dramatic and that I should just get over it, but I don’t know how.

Reasons Why I Shouldn't Want A Baby....

In what right mind does a person knowingly and willingly try to get pregnant? I mean there are a lot of things to consider, for me at least….

1. You lose sleep, and let me tell you, I love to sleep.
2. If I want to get pregnant, I have to get poked with a whole lot of needles… who wants that? Not me, I’ll tell you that. (Again)
3. That thing they call Morning/all day sickness? Doesn’t sound like fun. Though I would love an excuse to puke all over some clients I have to deal with at work…. I swear I might even force myself to do just that once in a while.
4. Poop. Someone has to clean it up. Ewwww.
5. Apparently babies cry? At all hours and at any hour! Luckily I have earplugs, so this one won’t be too much of a problem for me.
6. Your body gets big. Like really big.
7. You will no longer be the most important person in your own life. Whatever happened to the power of selfishness? Not fair that we have to lose it. Not fair at all.
8. Birth. Whoa! That part is the scariest. I’m hoping that God’s plan has been to come up with some painless way to give birth by the time I have to worry about that.

Hard to believe I’ve been trying to go through all of that, sup wid me? Obviously I hadn’t thought it through. Thank God I’m making this list now, phew!
But even after all that, my mind is still set on experiencing all those things for myself and not trust word of mouth. I want what I want. And I’m going to get it darn it!

So I never graduated then?

My High School is closing down.

I feel like I’m going to lose my high school diploma. And along with that my college degree cause you can’t have one without the other right? Should I start looking into getting a GED? That seems to be the most logical step….

In my head I’m picturing my high school with large chains running across the whole building and a huge padlock in the entrance….which would mean that none of my records will get out (oh no!)…. And then what happens to me?

I wonder if they heard about public records and the internet after I left…. they may have been so set in their ways and kept everything in paper files for all I know. Yikes!

It’s almost like losing a part of my identity to know that my high school will no longer exist. Granted, I don’t use it anymore. Or visit it. But for them to take it away from me is just wrong. Just plain wrong.

You want to do what to my boobs?

A sonogram? But why? I can assure you that neither one of them is pregnant.

Oh to be naive....

I had my breast sonogram done yesterday. Don't panic, they are fine. Or they should be at least. My girls needed to be checked out as a precaution because of my fertility treatments this far and before I can move on to IVF.....if I move on to IVF.

It was kind of nice to be undressed from the waist up this time instead of the waist down. A very nice change indeed. But in a way I feel like I was cheating on the ultrasound machine. We go way back but never upwards, so it was strange.

And you'll never guess who did my sono! Esme Cullen! Ok, so it wasn't really her. She is a vampire not an ultrasound technician, duh. But I kept staring at her so I'm sure she thought I was weird. Then again I'm sure I'm not the only Twilight fan to stare her down. She'll get over it, she did after all have her way with my girls so I had the right to be weird, no?

To Be IVFed or not to be...

That is the question......

If I was confused before about all my treatments, well now I'm lost. And I happen to be lost in my own head, which is scary. Trust me. I know my head and let me tell you: its a dangerous place....

So in order for me to free myself from myself, I need your help cause I don't know what to do. Should I let myself be IVFed or not? The whole thing is so overwhelming and so so full of needles and injections and needles and more injections, did I mention it was WITH needles? I hate needles! Especially when it's going into MY skin. Your skin I'm fine with but not mine.

I've been wondering if I should try to do just one more IUI and risk "wasting" my insurance balance or just bite the bullet and go for the very invasive/scary IVF. This is where you come in, what would you do? Tell me, tell me!

Ultimately I'll make my own decision, but I thought you would feel special if I included you. You are welcome. Oh, and before you answer keep in mind that Jeff seems a little too excited to poke me with those needles.... I'm not sure I trust him.... so you shouldn't either...

I'm 29, now what?

You would think I would be acting more mature. Think again.
I don't want to. I don't feel like it. I just wont. I like basking in my immaturity. It keeps me happy... and/or naive, however you want to look at it. And right now I want to really really act like a child.

I so want to play hooky from work, but just so that I can say I did. No worries, I wont. I may be immature but I can achieve that (very well) and still be responsible. My lab-made-baby is expensive after all.

I think I may need a night light. Jeff has been gone since yesterday for work related crap and I'm all alone. Its my first time evah alone in ANY house. I'm not going to lie, every little noise I heard last night had me skeered. Tonight should be fun, again.

I also want to stamp my feet real hard. Over and over again and refuse profusely to be in the situation that requires IVF. It's hard to accept that I, Shanny, need to have IVF if I want to experience motherhood. What has the world come to? It doesn't make sense. I had the IVF info session on Tuesday and things have been set in motion. I'm even more skeered now. The good thing about IVF? apart from the whole "being able to have a baby" side of it. I get to own a nurse. She belongs to me now and will have to do as I say (or the other way around, I guess), and will have to answer all of my questions. Which is good because I've been wondering a lot of things, like: why is the Sun hot? Things like that, and she has to answer because she is assigned to me and can't escape.

And the biggest thing I want is this:
I want to be at the receiving end of the green envy look that infertiles like myself tend to give ALL pregnant women we see. I want to see them look at my baby bump and give me a scornful look. That's what I want.

So as you can see, I've put all of my 28 years of experience in immaturity into good use at 29.

Fears....

Just like any normal person, I have my share of rational and irrational fears. Sadly, most of mine tend to fall on the irrational end of things. I thought I would share them with you....just so that you can feel better about yourself, I'm nice like that =)

And here they are:

*Not winning the lottery. Ever. (The millionaire kind of lotto, of course)
*Spiders. They are simply out to get me. I know it.
*Blood. Even though I'm obsessed with the whole vampire thing.
*Going broke before we can pay for a lab made mini me.
*Or mini Jeff. (Awwww)
*2012... didn't you hear? The world is supposed to end, eek!
*I'm also scared of myself. I wouldn't mess with me if I were you. I'm very intimidating. (Don't laugh, its disrespectful)
*Going bald. I don't think it would be a good look for me.
*Or losing my teeth. Braces were expensive... and it would definitely be bad for my look. I need all the help I can get.
*Lizards, the new show "V" creeps me out! I can't stop watching it.
*Breaking my spanking new Droid. Or any Droid for that matter.
*Ummm, LAZIK surgery...
*And most definitely my uterus. Its a killing machine!

Happy Thanksgiving =) ........ And special request...

I hope everyone has a wonderful time with their loved ones!


I'm not about to get into listing things I'm thankful for, cause otherwise I'll never finish. What can I say? Im lucky like that :)
I will tell you that I'm a bit disappointed that me, the turkey (by birth month right), am not being bastered this month. I just know that if I was able to have my IUI done this time, it would have soooo worked. After all... the stars are aligned perfectly, ah well. I suppose things happen for a reason. (Very frustrating reasons if you ask me)


On another note, I would like to ask ALL of you who know me in real life to please respect the privacy of this blog. Whether or not I myself gave you the website address or however you found me. This information is personal and private; yeah yeah I know its on the Internet but still.... if you are reading all of my awesome thoughts, then consider yourself privileged heehee. Just don't share what you've read, its not cool. And I would hate to lose my one place where I can let it all out. Can you imagine what I would do to poor Jeff? I mean, the guy is allright.... why make him suffer by upsetting his (wonderful) wife?


And also, no messages on Facebook in regards to my struggles please! Thanks, and welcome (officially)
Feel free to let me know you are on to me.... if you are not too scared of me volunteering you to be my first LAZIK patient =)

Lemme do your Lazik for you.... for FREE!

Today I witnessed my dad getting the lazik eye surgery. I actually saw the whole procedure, from beginning to end, and therefore:

I am now a pro.

I'm now qualified to perform miracles with my own hands. The only thing is that we'll have to sneak in at night to get it done. I obviously don't own the equipment necessary and I scoped the place out: no cameras! We'll be in and out in no time. And you won't even have to worry about the sun damaging your eyes right after you are done. How much better can it get?

Here is how it will be done:
You'll lay down on the bed thingy and I'll give you a bear to hold, like such:
(And if you have to strain your eyes to see the bear, you really need this surgery... call me!)

Then, I turn on the monitors. I'll have to look for the power buttons and figure things out as I go. But please don't worry, I know my way around a computer, I do have a blog, don't I?
The details were easy to see cause of the big TV... I actually felt like I was being watched...hmmm

So as you can see, there was no way I would have missed anything. Well, except for the part where they measured his eyes with the weird machine. I'm going to skip all that and just use a tape measurer and/or a ruler, its really the same difference. And I know you may be worried that I was standing outside of the room, however I promise you that I will be in the same room with you. I might close my eyes in certain parts though. Cause honestly? The part where they cut the thin film from around the eyeballs is pretty scary. I don't wanna see that again! After that's done, I'll scrape the eye nice and hard and then shoot blue lazer lights into it, and ta da! You are done!

That being said, I don't know that I'll actually have the nerves to do lazik myself after seeing it. But you and I are different people. If you are cheap and don't mind me screwing up your eyes, call fast!

Happy B-day to me =)

So far this birthday has been better than the last one.

Not necessarily because I'm blooming with any kind of fantastic news, but because this time I'm not doing any scary MRI that shows a tiny brain tumor. That's old news at this point, however I wonder if it qualifies as a happy 1 year to said tumor? I'm not sure, I just wonder what it says about me that I'm more scared of another MRI than the actual issue... Anyway, if I get a new growth each year that goes by I'm going to look extremely lumpy by the time I'm 40. A tumor, a Cyst, some fat here and there...oh gosh, I need a drink NOW.

On the good news....
I saw New Moon on Friday and I loved it. Can't wait for Eclipse!
And, I err, got a new phone.... I know I just got my Blackberry 2 months ago BUT it was Jeff. It was all Jeff. I actually feel too guilty to enjoy my brand new Droid (sorry Bren)...guess I'll just have to sacrifice myself, umm tomorrow. Right now I'm still staring at my blackberry with tons of love in my eyes. No joke.

But between you and me, it is an absolutely awesome phone!
I can blog so much faster now, if only I had a much more exciting life.....Ah well!

Here Is The Dirt...***updated***

Before I get down with it, I would like to thank all of you for your kind words. I know I was pretty much a downer but I suppose that was to be expected.

In the slight chance that I may have been perceived as over reacting, let me give you a bit of perspective: this month is a whole year of going to the fertility clinic, I started this whole journey since I was 26.... I'll be turning 29 on Sunday, its been a total of 25 cycles trying (but who is counting?) And now I officially qualify for IVF.

The Dr said that after having 3-4 clomid/IUI cycles, the chances of conceiving goes down. I do react nicely to Clomid, apart from my lining which takes a few extra days to thicken up, I ovulate strongly each time and I produce multiple follies. He recommended IVF but I have to take the injection classes and attend their info session on it before I can go for it.

Since my cycle already started I'll go for a 5th Clomid/IUI while I prepare for IVF, ummm, hopefully I won't need it. I guess I'm not giving up after all. Not surprising right? It was after all my sadness and anger doing the "talking" that day. But now my chin is up and I'm ready to conquer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
***Update***

I wrote the top portion when I was waiting for my day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound. Less than 2 hours later, things have changed.

Clomid finally caught up with me. I have cyst on my left ovary. I was told they would tell me if I can continue with Clomid depending on my blood results but I just decided against it. I don't want to do anything to hyper stimulate it further. I still cringe when I remember my ruptured cyst in January.

We may or may not try naturally this month. I still have Clomid in my system BUT usually its not advisable to try with a cyst. Dunno yet. Either way, In Vitro Fertilization is on for next month. Yikes!

Results are in...

Of course! I mean, why expect otherwise? This is after all the same story over and over again, right?

Is it time for clomid cycle 5? I don't know. I'm tired. I've wasted the past 2 years and change trying for something that may very well never happen. I honestly just feel like giving up. It's mentally and physically exhausting trying to fight destiny. At least, it feels like that's what I'm doing. Maybe its just not meant to be, end of story.

Hey, at least there is an upside!
I get to have a drink on my birthday next Sunday. Not sure if its to celebrate or to bury my sorrows, either way it works for me. Whatever.

I'm still here! I'm still here!

I've just been too busy doing.....umm, nothing?
Well,nothing more than obsessing, that is.

Am I, am I not? Am I, am I not? Am I, am I not? And so on, you get the picture.
I keep trying to tell myself not to think about it, but honestly, how is that even possible? I'm 11dpiui today and Sunday seems ages away. That's when I get to do my blood test. Again. Do I feel hopeful? Sure, but I always feel hopeful. Do I have signs? Sure, but I always have signs. I am after all on progesterone supplements so its to be expected.

Its too early to test at home. I know that. But it seems that every peeing moment is a missed opportunity to test. Why can't I bee one of the lucky girls who get their BFP at 9dpo? Noooo, I must suffer apparently. And now you can safely assume that I haven't missed all of my peeing opportunities. I tested this morning with no luck, ONLY because I figured that I wouldn't be too disappointed if it was a bfn (I was fine). It is after all very early. So for now the waiting continues.

Oh if you have any suggestions as to what to do to pass the rest of these days without pulling my hair out, I would appreciate it.

The BlogRollers Love to Roll.. And Today It's With Me!

Today I get to be the featured blogger over at The BlogRollers and I can't tell

you how honored I feel! They are all about raising awareness of female bloggers and they do an amazing job at it. I want to thank them not only for featuring me,

but also for taking such initiative and being inspirational! Thanks ladies =)

Run over and check them out

to read about me

AND

don't forget to sign their BlogRoll, who knows? You might be next!

Back in the Saddle!

I was recently given this award by Kristin who much like myself has a constant fight with Infertility. She is a great inspiration to keep going.. no matter how many times life kicks you down... perseverance my friend, that's what we have!

The Back in the Saddle Award

Background: This award is given to bloggers that are "Back in the Saddle" of life. This may be someone who is undergoing medical treatments, restarting his/her life, resurfacing after a tragedy, or someone who is just trying to sport a new attitude. Recipients have an attitude of a fighter, strive to be a winner of the battle, and show determination.

Rules: Post the award's graphic, background, and rules on your blog. Explain how you are "Back in the Saddle" again, and then pass the award on to at least four other bloggers who are "Back in the Saddle" just like you. Make sure you let them know that they have been given this award, and ask them to pass it on.

And my nominees are:

1- Amber- who just made the very difficult decision to try life on her own after her family just moved out of state. I'm glad you made the right decision for you =)
2- Bluebird- who after sadly losing her twins is pregnant again and is struggling with the pain and the happyness all at the same time.
3- TTC Chick- who recently experienced a loss after a long time of TTC and is up and ready to try again. Good luck my dear!
4- And to all of you who are fighters no matter what life throws at you!

Feliz Cumpleanos Mi Amor!!!!

I figured I could wish you a happy b-day in Spanish this time. It's proof that I love you in both languages.... almost like multiple loves just for you, lucky guy!

I want to wish you a few things:
-May you always love your wife...
-May you never get upset with her...
-May you spoil her rotten....
-and may you... umm, maybe I should focus on you a little more..What ya think?
Ok for real now:

-I hope you have a wonderful birthday (I already had a little chitchat with the Yankees and they understand the importance of winning tonight.)
-I hope that this will be the year you become the awesome Dad that you were meant to be... who knows maybe we already saw our baby this morning in one of the 3 eggies =)
-I hope you know that 35 is very young still. Just wait until next year and you'll see what I mean.
-Good luck in your crazy new adventure, I know you'll be great =)
-This one is a fact not a wish: I love you.

A block or two

Right about now I'm suffering from writer's block. It doesn't seem like I have anything to say, except of course that I have nothing to say. Then again, maybe my problem is that I have too much to say but nothing appropriate, you already have an idea thanks to my previous post but you don't need any disturbing mental image so I won't go there.

My other block, speaking from the past, is in my uterus. As of Sunday I have 3 hard headed eggs in the running to becoming my child. I go back tomorrow to see how they are progressing and most importantly how my lining is behaving this time around. I'm assuming that my IUI's will be this weekend, so I'm hoping that any blockage my uterus is holding against me is gone by then. At least it should be gone as a gift for Jeff. His birthday is Thursday and he only turns 35 once, so what better present than a hatched eggie that wants to be fertilized by the birthday boy?

You know what's sexy?

A girl on Clomid. Why? well.... lemme see.... And this is just my own experience in all of my 4 months on it: A girl on Clomid is sexy because....

1. The hot flashes just make you want to rip your clothes off. No matter where you are.
2. It makes you look like you are constantly blushing. The blood rising to your face is oh so glowy!
3. The sweat dripping down your back, again... no matter where you are, gives you the clingy clothes look. Perfect while at work. Just perfect.
4. The bitchiness attitude is pure confidence from a woman who knows what she wants. (rip her clothes off)
5. The emotional tantrums crying moments are adorable and make people want to cuddle you. Just don't get too close....
6. And then we have the awesome ovaries! Constantly reminding you that they are being stimulated, painfully and bloatingly stimulated, giving you such hope that you forget all of the above and smile your sweaty bitchy red face off with everyone. Because you just know that its working.

So  yeah, Clomid girls are sexy because who doesn't like a sweaty happy girl? By the way, feel free to replace the word "sexy" with "crazy", it's equally fitting.

And Now I Present Clomid...

Ding, ding, ding, ding...

You hear that ovaries? That's the bell warning you that Clomid round 4 is here and you should be afraid, very afraid. This time the dose goes up to 100mg, no more weak, sad, poor little 50mg, nope... the big guy is here to finish you off so you better watch it! Do as I say and you won't get hurt, overstimulated maybe but not hurt. I think. Now I understand why some athletes need the extra help of steroids, I feel like I'm in their shoes right now... though my way is legal and I'm not in any sports... Anyway, all we want to do is win.

So ovaries, I have my boxing globes on with same trigger shot, same IUI, same husband but with extra drugs to fight you to the end. It's on!

So You Think You Can...

Dance    Dance   Dance...

I'm so glad I went to see the show, it was the best pick me up. We had really really good seats so I was able to see all my favorite dancers up close and personal... kinda... and I can tell you: they are all very skinny and muscular, AND can shake their groove thing.

Not sure who watches the show but to see the dances in person were really amazing. I was so touched when I saw the cancer and the addiction dance (I love the song Gravity), I found them to be very powerful performances. And who can forget the butt dance? too cute. I was very happy to see that Phillip and Caitlin were included in the tour along with the top ten dancers. I got some pictures but not much, I um, forgot to charge the camera.... I was too busy being sad. I can kick myself sometimes, I was so close that the pics would have been great, ah well. Here are the few that I did get:

Randi, Kapono, Ade, Kayla, Evan, Jason, Brandon

Evan, Randi, Janette in the spotlight, Kapono, Caitlin

Evan, Jeanine (winner), Caitlin, Melissa

Jeanine, Phillip, Janette, Ade

Phillip, Brandon, Caitlin

And if you are really a fan then you'll know who Ryan is, and Oh My God! Who is that with him? Oh yeah, that would be me =)

He gave me a card with a link of A Dance for Life, which I think you should ckeck out. Its in support of DRA.. Dancers Responding to Aids. Clicky here, its worth it!

You know what seems to make the world go round?

All of my negatives.

Or at least they make for strong contributing factors, we wouldn't want the world to stop now would we? Apparently giving me a split second of happiness would cause chaos, but let there be no fear, it will continue to spin with no interruptions... at least for one more month...

And if you know me, sorry but no, I don't want to talk.

12 Days Post IUI

Thought it was time to update. It's the polite thing to do.

I wouldn't want anyone (Mom & Jen especially) thinking that I was rude and that I was holding back information from you. I know you are just dying to know what's going on with my uterus. Well here is the big update: I don't know.

Well maybe I do know a few little things, like:

• I'm not having as much cramps as I usually do at this point. They come once in a blue to torture my emotions but apart from that, not much at all.
• My boobs are not as painful as usual. I know cause I've given them a fair amount of squeezing. I had to test them to make sure.
• I'm going on Wednesday to get my blood test done to find out whether Jeff and the Dr. managed to knock me up or not.
• I'm going to the So You Think You Can Dance show Wednesday night. And I know this has nothing to do with my uterus, but if I don't update my test results, you'll know why.

So there. You are as informed as I am.  And maybe you are not as anxious as me but now you know what I know. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go have a lil chit chat with God... again....

Kid On A Leash!

I already know I'm going to be a good mom. Unlike a lot of mothers I see at work, which is customer oriented, I'm going to put a leash on my kids.

It drives me crazy how these ladies will just let the kids run around and not pay attention to them. Kids have fallen down our stairs, gone out the door, made a mess of our brochures by throwing them all over the lobby, hit other kids, roll on the floor while the mothers are standing with their backs to them. When we tell them to watch their kids they get all insulted but when something happens to them, we get the dirty looks as if we are responsible for what happened. These things will NOT happen to me.

I will be getting them cute little collars with their names on them and put it on their tiny little necks, with a leash connected to me. The girl's collar will even have glitter. And if they attempt to detach themselves, cause you know kids are smarter these days, they will get a little jolt of shock. That will teach them to behave. I might even sell these collars with leashes to all the other responsible mothers out there.

I'm kidding anyway; I'm not going to shock my kids. I wouldn't do that. I'll just tie their hands up so they can't detach the leash. That's all.

Then again, I expect no one will really like my idea. Fine! I'll just practice the evil mommy look that works so well, and hold on to their hands for dear life.... Unless I can make an invisible leash....hmmm....

Over The Top!

Jessica  just honored me with the Over The Top Award! I couldn't be more thankful, Jessica you rock girl!!

Here are the rules:
1. You Can Only Use One Word. ( I failed )
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award.
4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part:
1. Where is your cell phone? Right in front of me.
2. Your hair? Long.
3. Your mother? Awesome.
4. Your father? Sweet.
5. Your favorite food? Italian.
6. Your dream last night? None.
7. Your favorite drink? Alcoholic? Margarita. Regular? Water.
8. Your dream/goal? Easy: becoming a mommy.
9. What room are you in? Home office.
10. Your hobby? Reading.
11. Your fear? Death.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Vacation with Jeff and the kids =)
13. Where were you last night? Home.
14. Something that you aren't? Rich =(
15. Muffins? Blueberry.
16. Wish list item? No more miscarriages.
17. Where did you grow up? Venezuela.
18. Last thing you did? Finished "The Lost Symbol"
19. What are you wearing? Um, clothes?
20. Your TV? Recording "How I met your mother" and "Heroes"
21. Your pets? None.
22. Friends? Favorite TV show!
23. Your life? Good.
24. Your mood? Neutral.
25. Missing someone? My lost babies.
26. Vehicle? Suzuki Grand Vitara
27. Something you're not wearing? Pajamas.
28. Your favorite store? Target for knick knocks.
29. Your favorite color? Blue.
30. When was the last time you laughed? Last night.
31. Last time you cried? I don't remember!
32. Your best friend? Jeff
33. One place that I go to over and over? My bed?..or the movies!
34. One person who emails me regularly? My Mother-in-law
35. Favorite place to eat? My couch in front of the TV!... or Chili's (Love their 2 for $20 specials)

Recipients
1. Amber
2. Wanderluster
3. A H.I.T.
4. Cupcakes with Nic
5. Elizabeth
6. Lindsey

Impregnated? I better be or else....

As I type, I'm creating life. My eggie should have been fertilized by now. No, I'm not "hoping" that it was fertilized, I *know* it was. Cause otherwise? I'm going to have a titty attack. So unless someone, anyone, everyone wants to deal with my tantrum in 2 weeks I suggest you get to sending me a lot of good luck, thank you very much.

My back to back IUI's were done yesterday and this morning. The Dr said they went well and was happy with my follicle sizes, which were 26mm and 29mm. Jeff's guys were 27 million on day 1 and 20 million on day 2 with 91% motility both times, this made the Dr even happier. He even told Jeff "great job" to which Jeff replied: "thanks, its because I wore my suit for the occasion" and then they both laughed proudly, men! This comment left Jeff in the best of moods, he was grinning from ear to ear...never mind that another man was busy impregnating me. It's all good as long as he gets a compliment from the other guy. Lovely.

Now, let's see if this "third time charm" really works. By the way, why didn't anyone warn me that Lucky Charms were so darn sweet? I couldn't even finish my first bowl! But since I didn't want to jinx myself after saying that I would be eating it for good luck, well I've been eating it... A little bit. If I don't follow through with my word God knows that would be the reason I don't get pregnant this cycle. All I know is that I'm not messing my chances just because there is some extra sugar rush in a bowl of cereal.

I Wish I May, I Wish I Might....

Star light, star bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have this wish I wish tonight.

I wish I may, I wish I might
Convince my body while I write
To try and relax tonight
And stop being so uptight

I wish I may, I wish I might
That tomorrow I have a successful IUI
That my 2 follies be the right size
That we don't mess up anything this time.

I wish I may, I wish I might
That we get to conceive our child
That this child does not go into the light
I'm wishing this with all my might.

I wish I may, I wish I might
That my body holds no spite
That it doesn't put up a fight
And that it follows the guiding light.

I wish I may, I wish I might
To really stop this ongoing fight
For me and my body to make nice
And to have this wish I wish tonight.

Goodbye Summer '09

The air is cooler.

The traffic is really terrible again thanks to that thing we call school.

The leaves are falling. You don't wanna see my yard but you are welcome to if you are going to help clean it up.

The beach season is gone. Not that we went to any local beach this summer but its always nice to have the option. Ya know?

So to say goodbye, I want to share some pics of things we did this summer that I didn't share before. This way I'll have most of my Summer '09 adventures recorded publicly on ma' blog. Some things are just private.... you know... like when you have embarrassing drunk moments, things like that.  And on that note:

1- Jeff and I had our first barbecue evah!

Of course we only had the proper victims to try it out. My sister and brother with their respective families were our guinea pigs. They are still alive so that's a good thing. They played volleyball, tennis of some sort, climbed trees and I dunno what else. They all played while I slaved myself to the grill. By the time I was done the evening was over, but I learned my lesson: I rather be a guest at a BBQ than a host.... unless of course Jeff decides to share the grilling job... hint, hint.

                                      

 2- We went to a few parties, including my cousin's engagement party. The one that got engaged when we were in Ocho Rios Jamaica during our cruise.

The doomed happily engaged couple.

The nieces:

                                    

 Us.

With my baby niece looking up at me adoringly...

though Jeff thinks she's looking at him... right!

My parents with their kids

3- My mother's side of the family went to a park for Labor day. We did a whole lot of nothing and then we played some ball. My body was in pain for the rest of that week. I ran a lot while my jeans kept falling down, luckily I didn't flash anyone... I think.

                                    This is the only picture I have that I consider decent. 

                                   

4-We went to eat free food at my brother's house a couple of weeks ago for his birthday. And we had cake! Yum =)

                                 

  

                                 

                                 

And 5- Jeff and I made a decision about this baby thing. If all else fails, we are stealing my baby niece. Its a nice way to end the summer right? Planning to steal babies. Great.

Awardee of the Award Awarded to Me!!!

I want to thank God, my family, and all of my fans.... alright so I got  a little carried away, I pretty much just want to thank my lovely blogger friend Cupcakes with Nic for nominating me for the Kreativ Blogger Award:

This Award was rightfully given to her because she is fabulous, funny, witty, of course creative, and if that doesn't get your attention... well, let me tell you a little secret: She has cupcakes, lots of cupcakes, I love cupcakes and therefore I love her Kreative Cupake Blog!


And now for the rules:

1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5-Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6-Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they've been nominated.


7 things about me that people may not know:

1- Sit down cause this may come as a shock to you: I want a baby. Alright, so you knew that... sue me. Actually don't. Here is #1 for real: I'm afraid that I'm meant to be: always an aunt never a mother.
2- My car is a Suzuki Grand Vitara. I chose it because it has an "S" as a logo... for Shanny. Meant to be right?
3- I'm 5'2"ish but my liscense says 5'3" so that's what I say to anyone who asks. I wear heels so whatever.
4- I'm a vampire. Ok, I'm obsessed with all these vampire shows/movies/books so if you stretch reality a bit, then I'm also a vampire. If not, it really should work that way.
5- My favorite show of all time is Friends.
6- I hate doing laundry. But not as much as I hate putting it away.
7- My nail polish has to be the exact same color on my fingers and my toes, always, no exceptions.


And the nominees for the well deserved Kreativ Blogger Awards are:

1- 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility
2- Xbox4NappyRash
3- Love and Marriage
4- A Glimpse Into My Thoughts
5- In Her Shoes
6- Rambling Renovators
7- Ask Wifey

Third time is a charm.... They say...

I don't know who "they" are but I think its smart for them to keep anonymous when making statements like this one. Personally, I know I would like to get my hands on them if this third Clomid cycle doesn't work. I won't incriminate myself further by giving you details of what I would do to them. Just keep in mind that "they" probablly pi$$ed a lot of other people off already, I'm just saying....

Will this third time really be the charm? Will it be my lucky cycle? Ooooh the suspense is killing me, not.  Obviously I don't know yet but I plan on "helping" myself out as much as possible. I'm going to buy a bunch of lucky charm cereals and devour them like there is no tomorrow. I'll even share some with Jeff, he is somewhat involved in this so I suppose he can use some extra luck too. I'll probably even send a box to my Dr., he is after all the other guy trying to get me pregnant.... Anonymously of course, I don't want to be dismissed as a crazy patient. Whether it be true or not.  

So considering that: It's 3 of us and a turkey baster, its the 3rd Clomid try, 2 back to back IUI's which will also gives me a total of 3 IUI's, all the lucky charm cereal, the fact that Jeff is part Irish AND my name is Irish-ish, what are my chances of finding my pot o' gold at the end of this rainbow?

Internal Dialogue

Based on this month's trial and the blood result.....

Me: Yo body!
Body: Sup?
Me: I have some great news for you!
Body: Shoot!
Me: This month you don't have to work too hard. I'll take drugs to hook you up and then I'll serve the boys to you in a silver platter.
Body: Hmmmm, no thanks.
Me: Why not? You don't have to do anything. Just sit and wait.
Body: What's in it for me?
Me: Umm, a baby.
Body: That's for you not me. I'm going to suffer for 9 months and it's a lot of hard work. I don't want to.
Me: Pretty please with sugar on top?
Body: No.
Me: Well for your info, I already did it. I bastered you like a turkey.
Body: I'm not a turkey!
Me: Yes, you are! Yes, you are! Yes, you are!
Body: You are tripping.
Me: Yeah, so?
Body: You lost your mind. I'm not doing anything for you.
Me: (screaming) You are giving me a baby this month! I'm putting my foot down!
Body: I have news for you.
Me: What?
Body: I already rejected it. In your face! I win. You suck. Loser!
Me: I hate you.
Body: I hate you more.
Me: Clearly.