As much as I’m trying to stay in a positive mood, I’m failing.
I’m really freaked out about IVF. And I’m really pi$$ed off about it too. I can keep asking God why?why?why? over and over again but it wont change the fact that this is my faith right now. I either take it or I leave it. And I refuse to go down without a fight so I guess I’m taking it. I already spent enough time crying over it so its time to move on and accept what has to be done. But I can still be pi$$ed that I have to do it right?
I haven’t put up a Christmas tree this year, or lights, or any decorations. I’ve checked our holiday boxes several times over the past 3 weeks and can’t find myself to decorate. I guess my Christmas spirit is lost and I have no interest in looking for it. I don’t have my one year old, I don’t have my 3 month old, I’m not pregnant, and I can’t get pregnant, if I want to get pregnant I have to do IVF, and if I get pregnant my uterus (aka killing machine) might end it as usual. I think that I’m being dramatic and that I should just get over it, but I don’t know how.