Thursday, December 17, 2009

I Sad



As much as I’m trying to stay in a positive mood, I’m failing.
I’m really freaked out about IVF. And I’m really pi$$ed off about it too. I can keep asking God why?why?why? over and over again but it wont change the fact that this is my faith right now. I either take it or I leave it. And I refuse to go down without a fight so I guess I’m taking it. I already spent enough time crying over it so its time to move on and accept what has to be done. But I can still be pi$$ed that I have to do it right?


I haven’t put up a Christmas tree this year, or lights, or any decorations. I’ve checked our holiday boxes several times over the past 3 weeks and can’t find myself to decorate. I guess my Christmas spirit is lost and I have no interest in looking for it. I don’t have my one year old, I don’t have my 3 month old, I’m not pregnant, and I can’t get pregnant, if I want to get pregnant I have to do IVF, and if I get pregnant my uterus (aka killing machine) might end it as usual. I think that I’m being dramatic and that I should just get over it, but I don’t know how.

20 comments:

  1. **hugs** You have every right to me pi$$ed, sad, and whatever other emotion you need to have. I hope that you're able to find some happiness in there somewhere sometime soon though. Because a sad Shanny makes me sad too.

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  2. Oh Shanny you are not being dramatic at all, you have all the right to be sad and mad, I would be too. Hope you find the Christmas spirit soon ((hugs))

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  3. Ummmmmmm... soooo...
    a) You are NOT being dramatic. You have every right to feel how you are feeling and if anyone on this entire planet tells you otherwise, they are idiots.
    b) You have every right to question WHY!? We're human, and we have that ability and the right. Do it.

    I wish I could wave my magic wand and make things happen for you - but instead I am going to pray like it is going out of style and hope that your uterus takes care of you and your baby! *Hugs* lovely lady!

    I don't know anyone who deserves this more!

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  4. I don't think you are being dramatic enough! This is more hard than I can imagine and I admire your strenght for even trying to positive. I would be ready to die or something.

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  5. Maybe Jeff should put up the tree and the decorations to help you get in the spirit! It might take your mind off IVF for a second or two :)
    I'm hoping it gets easier for you girl, I really do.

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  6. *HUGS* I know I can't say anything to make it better, but I'm so sorry. :( I'm having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit as well.

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  7. So, I have no idea what you are really going through because I am so not there yet (I am still wanting a baby-free zone... not married, not ready for a child!!!) but my heart goes out to you. I had lunch with a lady today who went through two IVFs and now has 3 beautiful children. She had nothing but good things to say about the process! I totally thought of you while she was telling her story and I wish you could have heard her -- she went through a lot of the same troubles you have gone through. I know you are having a rough time right now and I seriously wish I could make it better for you -- I know I don't actually know you, but I feel like I want to be there and give you a big hug. So... I'm sending you a big hug and a lot of good thoughts.

    :)

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  8. I'm with Ashley. You get that hubby to put up the tree and you two relax in front of it and try not to stress. I know how maddening this must be for you both. Praying that this road gets easier for you soon!

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  9. You're not being dramatic...I certainly would never blame you for feeling this way. I remember being mad at God because here I was BEGGING for something that so many people got without even thinking about it! It's a tough pill to swallow.

    Be good to yourself. Do what it takes to get through this time. If you don't want to put up decorations, don't. As far as the IVF goes, be bitter, be sad...but think about how in a few years none of this is going to matter. You'll have your baby [babies!] in your arms and it will all be worth it.

    Praying, praying, praying for you!!!!!

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  10. I'm so sorry Shanny :(
    I wish I could help you decorate to lift your spirit a little bit. You are a strong girl and its ok to be pissed even if you make peace with your faith. I'm praying for you and Jeff, in the end it will all be worth it. Hugs!

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  11. Shanny

    I just wanted you to know your not being dramatic. I'm going through the same thing here, the only thing I've decorated is our mantle. I've lost the christmas spirit too. I hope IVF only takes one cycle for you guys, you and Jeff deserve it so much!

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  12. Shanny, you have every right to be upset. You have been through so much. I know how hard it is to be happy and celebrate things when all you truly want is your sticky BFP. It's ok to feel upset, but I have faith that your 1st IVF cycle will work and you will have a baby (or two) to celebrate Christmas with next year! You are in my thoughts and prayers. ((Hugs))

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  13. You're totally NOT being dramatic right now. You have just cause to be feeling this way, my dear. So sorry that you're experiencing these intense emotions. I'm praying for you. Merry Christmas, love. You're loved and so many are awaiting the glorious day that you become a mama! It WILL happen! It will. xoxo

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  14. I totally understand your fear about IVF. I find it terrifying as well. Hang in there. 2010 is right around the corner.

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  15. Oh nooo! You cant do this...you have to let yourself live life. You and your husband need to love life to help bring in more life. Dont let this get in the way of your happiness...you have to let it bring more happiness to your life with HOPE. Stay hopeful and happy and it will come...it just has to!

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  16. I'm not sure if this will help but have you seen this web site: http://findingfertileground.com/ I think Melissa does a great job of putting a positive spin on a yucky situation. Hang in there baby and do whatever you need to do for yourself. You deserve it.

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  17. I'm so sorry honey :(

    Thinking of you so much as you move forward, and wishing you all the luck in the world.

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