Thursday, July 24, 2008

What kind of blog?

Does it seem like I forgot this was a TTC blog? Kinda…..

Apparently while I’ve been trying to "ignore" my sadness of not being PG yet, I’ve shifted my blog towards my new house. I’ve been in the packing/moving mode and lately I’ve been checking out remodeling and design websites religiously.

I wish I could tell you that I’ve been working out. As of Sunday my elliptical machine is under a few boxes, so needless to say: moving + TTC does not equal exercise. Oops! I am, however, eating more fruits & vegetables and less junk. So at least I’m doing something for my health. I’m still proud of myself though…. somewhat… maybe…… maybe not…

Either way, I’m wondering how interesting it will be to TTC while moving, painting, remodeling and maybe exercising all at the same time. Most likely I will have to give up something during that period of time right? You better believe its not going to be TTC. Umm, I really hope my family is not around helping out when we must must must babydance. It might not be fun for them to wait for us until we are done, will it? Hee hee, O.K. So we’ll figure out another way. (I hope, for their sake!)

If you thought that writing more about the house has nothing to do with my future baby, you are sooo wrong. I mean it’s all about the baby, where else is the baby supposed to live? We need to put a roof over the baby tiny’s head, no?

In short, my blog is about whatever I want it to be. Its about Jeff, our life together, our new house and its all for our future baby…. Or is it’s all about me?

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Packing is wack!

I'm taking a break.

I just finished packing 22 boxes all by myself and decided to blog about it so that i can relax a bit. Jeff is out helping his mom do some things around her house, so I've been alone all day. Its a good thing though, I get to do things my way and not get distracted. See Jeff? You are a distraction =)

Chances are we will be closing before the end of the month and I don't want to wait until the last minute to get things ready. There is still a lot of things to do, but I'm tired. If I was rich I would probably be paying movers to do this for me. Or maybe I would just leave everything here and buy new things, hey if I'm rich why not? Actually, I'm attached to my things so maybe not. I would also feel really weird for other people to go through my stuff. I guess either way I'm stuck with the job right?

Imagine if for whatever reason the whole house thing doesn't work out. OMG I would die! I will refuse to unpack and throw a tantrum. The house is now vacant so maybe I'll move in anyway, what the heck! I'll even handcuff myself to it until they give in. See? I have a plan. I'm getting the house no matter what.

O.K. maybe I'll stop with the drama now, there is no reason why it won't work out, but just in case I want you to know that I'm very determined to get it. We've spent a nice chunk of money on the bathroom already, I've had tiles in my car for a week, Jeff has quite a few things in his car and don't forget the toilets in my dining room... I want my house! I'm just freaking out that something will go wrong, and if something does..... that would really tick me off!

Let me stop with the negative thoughts, its not good for my health.

I'm breathing,
Going back to packing...

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Toilet In the Room?

You know that beautiful piece that's used as decoration? The toilet....

Actually, the two toilets.

Yeah, real big conversation pieces. Right in my entrance, next to my dining room table. There they are.... just chilling like two villains. Need one? A broken one maybe?

Here is the thing: The closing of our first house is right around the corner. Don't ask which corner yet because I'm not sure, either next week or the other. Yay and crap! (no pun intended)

The first thing we need to do is renovate the bathroom. The only bathroom, which now is really outdated and has nasty mold on the ceiling. Ewwww. If we close before the end of the month, we want to be out of here, why pay an extra month of rent right? The bathroom needs to be taken care of ASAP! So, Jeff bought a toilet which came really fast, but its broken. The company acted even faster and sent us another toilet right away. The problem? We get to keep both because there is nothing they can do with a broken toilet so its on us to get rid of it. Grrr. You know, after a long day of work the one thing I want to do is look at the toilets in my apartment. Great... my dream has finally come true!

The good thing is now we have two seats, two lids and two sets of "pump" things... don't know what you call it, but its the part that flushes the water from the tank. If you are confused just go check out your own tank and you'll see the "pump" thing.

Next to the toilets and dining room table you will find a big box. This box contains our new bathroom vanity & faucet and the mirror is just a feet away. Did I mention that all of this is right by the front door? What a welcome! I know you are jealous not to have my awesome design style... BUT if you are very jealous I'm willing to give you one of the toilets.

Which one? That's gonna be a surprise....

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Zamari's 1st Birthday!

Her birthday was very nice. She got lots of presents, thank you very much... Just as any real Princess should!

My mom, who does magic and games for kids, got dressed as a fairy and did some cool tricks. The kids loved it! And later in the evening the adults had fun too. We danced a lot considering it was a 1 year old B-day party! Hey, at least everyone had fun =)

Here are some pics (I got the OK from her mommy to post them):

Here is the little Princess:

Zamari playing with her wand:

My mom had my brother do some funny dancing as a clown:

Zammie dancing & clapping while we sang Happy Birthday:

Zammie with her sisters and little cousin:

With Mommy and Daddy:
(look what they did to her tiny face)

Eating her birthday cake:
(Check it out, her mom made the cakes: a regular one & a mini cake for Zammie's chair)

With her Grandparents:

Mom's side

Dad's side

With her aunts:

Mom's side

Dad's side:
(Ignore my nose, thanks)
People say we look like twins, what do you think?

With her little cousin Zaelis:

With her cousin Anali:

With Jeff (her Godfather):

With Jeff and me:
See? Don't we look awesome with a baby?
(That's a hint for God)

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

I'm Free

Since yesterday I'm officially free to:
  1. Drink alcohol if I want to. Getting wasted sounds like a great idea right about now... if only I could handle it.
  2. Exercise hardcore and not worry about "hurting" anything.
  3. Highlight my hair.... and I might just do that.....
  4. Help lift the heavy boxes when we move.
  5. Paint my house with no worries.
  6. Cry all I want to because once again my body has failed me.
  7. Cry some more.
  8. Put TTC on hold. I'm tired, fed up, and frustrated with the whole thing.
  9. Not be serious about #8, once I know O is around I know we will try again. I'm a sucker for punishment!
  10. And finally: Free to be as angry as I want to for as long as I want to.

BUT I am not angry anymore, just sad. I want to look at things differently. I'm lucky to have a supportive husband who holds me and hugs me until my crying comes to an end. A husband who makes sure I know that I am loved and truly makes me feel that everything will be O.K. With his positivity around me, I'm now convinced that our baby was meant to be "made" in our first house, not just some random apartment. Not that I have a choice, but it makes me feel better =). I guess I have to help with the moving after all..... here I was thinking I had a good excuse not to lift anything...darn!

I know God has a plan. Whatever is meant to be will be. However, if anyone has any idea of how I can convince God to be on board with my plan, please, please, please let me know!

Monday, July 7, 2008

Random thoughts and picture day

Sex and the City

I finally saw it!!!! O.K. so it was a week ago, but I had a lot of things going on so I didn't tell you...


It was beautiful, totally worth the risk of making a movie of the series. I mean..... it could have been really cheesey and bad, it could have had terrible acting, not that any of that would have stopped me from watching it, but that's not the point. I can't give details since I don't want to spoil it for anyone. If you watched the series it will make you tear up within the first 20 minutes. I cried my eyes out.... sniffling included. There was a specific scene with Carrie, Charlotte and Big that made me go ballistic! That was some great acting. It was so touching that when I went to work and talked about it with my co-worker T. we both got teary eyed again. Shame on me I know, but watch it and you will understand. Don't judge me! Jeff didn't go with me to watch it, and quite frankly I feel bad for him. He missed out big time.

In short, this is what I thought of the movie: I LOVED IT!

P.S. Jeff will have to watch it after he buys it for me on DVD and will also love it. I know it. He did after all follow the series with me, you know when he wasn't busy with his MANLY sports.



Oh, I miss you so....

This one is just for kicks. It is my all time favorite TV series. And I feel like I'm cheating on it by talking about Sex and the City. (I'm weird, its as simple as that).

Apparently there is talk about a Friend's movie. I hope its really good if they do go for it. Let me tell you, even if the reviews are bad my behind will be in that movie theater with popcorn and tissue in hand.

To anyone out there who cares: I do not own the series yet...(hint hint)


Little Zamari is turning ONE!!!!!!

My baby niece's first birthday is on Wednesday. We will be having her birthday party on Saturday with a princess theme. By "we" I mean her parents. I'll just show up and make an entrance about 2 hours into the party. I have to work (Work sucks!) =(

Shhhh, don't tell on me... I'm kinda sneaking a pic of her. Its not clear so I think its fine, someone remind me to ask her mommy and daddy if I can show her off please. She was 6-7 months old here:

She loves a mirror already!


On the birthday note....

Tomorrow is my Father-in-law's birthday. We wont see him because he lives 3 hours away, but its OK, he has his lovely wife who will make sure his day is just perfect.


Tomorrow will also be my best friend's birthday. I don't talk much about her because she is a private person. I'll be sneaky and put a picture of her with my other girls kissing Jeff BUT I wont tell you who she is. I'm going to see her tomorrow after a looooong time, yay!

I'll give you a hint: she is wearing red!


And to end: The sad face. My sad face. My sad that I have a sad face face.

It's not really over yet but it is. Even though I wrote a nice letter to AF explaining to her why she should leave me alone, I can feel her coming.

I'm not necessarily sad because this is not my cycle. I'm sad because I just realized that I don't have as much chances as average girls do. I can't get pregnant unless I get my period, the problem is I'm not getting it every month. For the year I've only had 3 periods including m/c and we are in month 7, see the problem? I can't try every month, but every 2-3 months and that alone sucks. My chances are lowered. So I'm sad.

Now let me go wash my face and move on......

Thursday, July 3, 2008


Have you ever been hurt by people who you never thought would hurt you?

I'm sure your answer is yes.

Or things that people say or do that in general don't mean anything to anyone, but feels like a knife in the back?

I've been back and forth, deciding if I should post this part of my feelings. A month ago I thought: definitely not. I don't want to hurt any one's feelings... but what about mine? This is after all a place for me to let everything out, right?

I went to bed because I was very sleepy and suddenly started thinking of someone. I have a slight anger toward this person, so much that I'm wide awake and ready to blog it. And that's not all I did, my poor co-worker Brenda got a full blast of complaint just by asking about this person. Sorry Bren!

This person is supposed to care very much about me. I know I love this person and care about their happiness and sorrows and everything in between. When I had my miscarriage, all of the important people in my life knew about it because I needed their love. Not once did this person reach out to me to see how I was, not one call. After a while when we did speak, it was about their life, I just listened and stayed quiet. I don't intend to be a victim, I don't expect them to talk about it, nor did I want to. But I just wanted a "how are you?"....something to show that they cared about how I was doing since it was a very difficult time for me, like I would do for them. I'm still waiting....

Other things that hurt?

Innocent comments that are said with the very best of intentions. Unfortunately innocent comments can sting. It depends on where you are in your life and what is going on with it, that some simple words can be just that: simple.... Or very complex. With the mind that I have.... everything is complex... I'm not proud of it, but its true. I'm a complicated piece of work!

The ever classic one: "Relax".... Oh heck no! Please don't say that.... believe me its not as easy as you think. Its like hitting a kid very hard and telling them don't cry..... I don't know anyone close to me that has had difficulties getting pregnant and/or staying pregnant. Maybe its because for them it just happened. It all magically fell into place! We did relax. We did the whole relaxing thing for a few months, then I did research and tried "for real" and now I'm going on a year soon.... I simply cannot relax anymore.

I feel like a failure.

I feel like my body is out to get me.... And I'm the sucker still playing nice with it. (then again, maybe that's Jeff playing nice with it!)

It hurts that it has been so easy for the women in my family and so hard for me. My sister and sister-in-law God bless them are breathing fertility as they walk. I think I'm gonna stand in between them to see if it will rub off. I want what they have: a beautiful family. I know they may think that I am just obsessed, but as I mentioned to my sister before: unless you have been in my situation.... you will never understand the feeling. And I'm not saying this to them in particular, I'm just saying something that I already talked about with my sister. Girls this is not directed at you, the 2 of you just happen to be fertiles that I know =)

These are just my feelings about how I feel misunderstood. And how I feel let down by someone very important in my life.

I am angry and hurt... that's all. Next post will have a lighter mood I promise!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Just kidding!

Okay, so I was just kidding about the boob pics. I do wonder how many people clicked on the link though......

And if you really care, nothing is going on with my bbs..... well actually maybe yes. But there are no pics and it only started today. And I'm not telling! I don't want to get your hopes up too much.

A little hint?

Sure I'll give one. I have one particular bb sign that I definitely had when I was PG and never as an AF sign..... that's all I'll say. I don't want to jinx myself.