Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Good Bye '08

This year has been interesting to say the least. I had my ups and downs and my in betweens. But I am thankful for everything that has happened this year, the good and the bad. I've learned to appreciate my experiences because they taught me more about life and about myself.

Lets look back at my year....

January '08
I don't really remember. I think mostly I was looking forward to this year's vacation and spending most of the year pregnant. Neither happened. One for good reason, the other one not so good.

February '08

Had one last AF before getting knocked up and had nice Valentine Day with Jeff. He made a nice pasta dinner like he always does on Valentine for me. Can't wait for my dinner in 2 months honey! Hopefully the wine will be just for one.

March '08

Ah, the month I got my BFP. This month I felt pregnant, happy and full of dreams, but I couldn't stand the smell of chicken. Ewww.

April '08

Sad month. Very sad month. Two reasons: It's the month we lost our 6 year old cousin 4 years ago and also when I miscarried. Bye bye dreams, hello depression.

May '08

We celebrated our 4Th year of marriage. Lucky Jeff!

I started this blog to use as an outlet for my frustrations and also for future memories. I probably would have gone crazy if I didn't have this blog. Even though pregnancy loss and fertility problems are very common (unfortunately), not many people in real life really understands. I would feel like I'm nagging all the time or that they feel sorry or annoyed by me.

June '08
Depression was getting a hold of me so I decided to dream about something else. I started to look at houses online. Jeff and I are dreamers. We liked to think that we would find a house we can afford, deep down we knew that we wouldn't be able to buy one until maybe 2009. I was so obsessed with houses! Not surprising for my personality.

We couldn't believe our eyes when we saw this little house, it had a lot of our requirements. We had to see it... and we did and we loved it. Not good for my already broken heart to fall in love with something we couldn't have. Or so we thought. The price was awesome because it was a bank owned property going for a short sale. I'm not saying any prices but it was almost $150k below its value. Score!

Here is a picture of our home with the snow effect!

July '08

The packing began. I had no idea how many thing Jeff and I owned. I'll tell you this: I don't want to move ever again. If I do, I'm hiring packers.

August '08

We became homeowners!
We moved all our possessions to the house and moved in with my parents while we renovated. Jeff and I had serious Internet and TV withdrawal. We went from work to the house so we could paint and do fix-ups. We hardly had any time for ourselves. That was tough!

We also reached our 1 year mark of TTC. Very upsetting.

September '08

We moved in to our house.... and I found out I would share it with my mortal enemies: spiders. Those creatures seriously give me the creeps. One day they will kill me. I know it.
We spent our vacation working on the house instead of going away. It's our first year with no trip but also our first with a house. The trade was fair.

October '08

I fell in love with a vampire. *Sigh*
I also got bad news from my OB. After Jeff and I got ourselves tested, she said that there were too many things wrong and she referred us to an RE. I was feeling that depression coming on again. But I had Edward Cullen to occupy my worries so I survived.

November '08

I found out I had a benign brain tumor. Benign or not, it still freaks me out. Jeff and I did more testing and the results were less dramatic. Thank God.

I was upset and happy about the big movie release on November 21st. I was dying to watch the new Harry Potter movie but they cancelled it until next year. WTF? The good thing was that Twilight moved up one month and took the spot, nice!

December '08


I didn't have my baby for Christmas nor a pregnancy to take its place. But I do have a great RE and a very exciting plan. Once AF starts (I feel her coming) I'm going on Clomid, take the HCG shot and try ala old fashioned way. If next cycle fails though, I'm going straight for IUI.

We worked our butt's off on the house for 3 months and took Nov. & Dec. off. We were exhausted! Depending on the whole economic recession next year, we might work on finishing our huge basement. We'll see how that goes. We have other projects but we would love to have our game/party space. Not that I'm a host though, I tend to fall on the shy side. But still, we want what we want.

I'm saying good bye to all my 2008 sorrows and welcoming my 2009 joys.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Emotional and confused

I'm crying all the time.

My hormones are out of whack. I have no control whatsoever and its quite annoying. Every little thing makes me cry. I don't know if its my new drug or just me. It is supposed to lower my hormones.... but I'm not so sure that its working too good.

Well, its working in its own way. Wanna know how I know? That would be 'cause I freaking O'd earlier than the norm. Waaay earlier! At the beginning of the cycle I set my Fertility Monitor too late during the day so I couldn't POAS early in the morning like usual. It gives a 6 hour window but I was at work during that time this cycle. After I got the green light to TTC I decided it was time to stop saving my sticks and give them what they were made for..... So I took them to work and did my thing there. My test went from low to peak in only 2 days of testing, no highs in between to warn me. I was so excited that I screamed"Holy Shit!" in the bathroom. I really really hope that no one heard me. I don't want to know what they thought if they did. Embarrassing!

Jeff and I... did, um... you know... and now we wait.
Here is the rest of the exciting news. If I don't get a BFP now I have other plans. Once I get dear AF I'm going to start Clomid. I will be monitored and when its time I will be given the HCG shot to trigger ovulation. Now I have a dilemma. We can either try naturally or we can go with IUI. When I spoke the RE I told him we wouldn't do the IUI just yet but now I wonder if we should go with the better chances of conceiving. If it doesn't happen then I have to do the treatment all over again... but of course IUI might not work first time either. This sucks. We are still deciding though. What to do? What to do?

So far I think I'm sticking to my first decision. Its just that having the option given to me makes me wanna try the easiest way out. Shame on me, I should go and cry my shamelessness away.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Tagged, I'm it!

Amber tagged me!!! Its my first time evah and I feel special!

Here are the rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.

2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.

3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blog.

Here I go...
What to share? What to share? Let see....

1-I’m a Catholic-Hindu. Well not exactly but I was brought up in both religions so I have a bit of both. My mom is a Hindu and my dad is a Catholic. I was baptized so I guess I consider myself more Catholic but I don’t follow either one strictly. I believe in God 100% but I don’t think that one religion knows better than the others. Growing up with both religions made me appreciate that having faith is what’s important. Jeff and I had two wedding ceremonies. On April 30Th, 2004 we got married under Hindu rites and on May 1st, 2004 we got married legally and had our Catholic ceremony. Thankfully Jeff is Catholic otherwise we might have married each other 3 times... not a bad thing except it would have been expensive!

2-My personality contradicts itself. I’m shy but outgoing at the same time. I’ve been told that I am too quiet and also that I’m bubbly. I’m very optimistic and very pessimistic too. It depends on my mood I guess. Sometimes I think everything is just peachy and other times I think I’m doomed. What gives?

3-I hate, hate, hate the phrase: "have your cake and eat it too." Why would you have cake and not eat it? Seriously? I get that it’s supposed to contradict itself but I can’t stand it. Maybe because English is my second language and I look for literal meanings? I don’t know, either way I find it annoying and will never get over it.

4-Since my mom is Guyanese I know to dance Caribbean and West-Indian music better than Spanish music…. and I grew up in a Spanish country! Sad but true. Give me Reggae, Soca, calypso, Indian, some hip-pop, slow songs and I’m good to go but Salsa, Merengue and Bachata? Not so much. I know the basic steps and that’s about it. I keep telling myself that I’ll learn someday. We'll see.

5-I wanted to be famous. When I was younger I swore that I would become a singer. If you ever hear me sing you’ll know why that didn’t work out. Personally I think my singing is great and that people just have bad hearing, but whatever. Since I knew that wouldn’t happen I figured I could be an actress. I did some plays in college and liked it but decided that I hate attention so I stopped. According to my professors I had talent and I guess that’s all I wanted to hear.

6-I love books. I love reading and emerging myself in a fantasy world. In my head, I’m always the heroine/main female character in my books. Right now if you call me "Bella" I might just respond. When I was learning English I wished that I would be good enough one day to write my own book. I would love to but I would hate to fail. I also don’t have enough dedication lol.

7-I can draw! Well at one point I could, I’m sure I suck now since I haven’t practiced in years. Let me clear up the fact that I’m only good at simple things. I loved portraits but I was never good enough at it. I would have improved if I continued practicing but that didn’t happen. Ah well. Here is a picture of my last drawing:

And that's all I have to share, now its your turn!

I choose to tag Andrea, Shannon, Silvina, kristin, Crystal, Kate, and Crys. Lets keep it going!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

My 2nd RE appointment and new plan

We didn't have much to discuss, but I suppose that's good so I wont complain.

The happiest person about our appointment is Jeff. His second SA results were much much better than his first. And even though his morphology (the way the sperm looks) wasn't good, its nothing to worry about. He actually told the RE that he feels better about his manhood again. The RE being a man, laughed and said he knew what he meant, then he switched to Dr. mode and explain to Jeff that medically they don't see it that way, yadi yadi yada. Jeff is very pleased with himself. The things that make men be proud of themselves I tell ya!

One down, one more to go.

Me? I'm good. My tumor? Its only 6mm and according to the RE that's very good. I rather not have it but I guess there is no way to "will" it out. Is there? If anyone knows of a way, they better start sharing. I'm going to start taking drugs. Bromocriptine is going to be my new addiction. One every evening and hopefully I will avoid most of its many side effects. What are they? Well lets see: low blood pressure, mild nausea, vomiting, abdominal cramps, diarrhea or constipation, headache, dizziness or drowsiness, dry mouth, nasal stuffiness, etc. This should be fun. Jeff is just happy that moodiness is not included. Because you know, that's the only one that would affect him. I could smack him sometimes, I swear.

Bromocriptine is supposed to help me lower my prolactin level and maybe shrink my tumor. I'll be taking 2.5 mg, the lowest dose and hopefully that does the trick. Otherwise we'll have to increase it along with increase risk of side effects. I don't want that. I don't, I don't, I don't! I'm going to do another blood work in 2 weeks to see if its working and go from there. The RE also said that I'll have to do another MRI in one year to check out the tumor and if its still small then in another 5 years. Um, another MRI? I don't know about that. Unless its very open I'm just going to refuse it. Not a good thing for a claustrophobic. One time was bad enough.

So what does this all mean for our TTC journey?

That we have the green light to start trying again. Woohoo!!!!!
I was already suffering from POAS withdrawal. I missed it terribly. So much that the first thing I did when I came home was to POAS. And no, I'm not ovulating yet, darn. I knew I wasn't because I didn't start my new drug yet but I still had a little hope. My new addiction is going to help regulate my body to ovulate. Once my prolactin levels are down I should be able to get AF monthly. This is going to give me more chances to drop more eggies and hopefully get me knocked up fast.

The RE gave us the option to try this along with Clomid if we want to be aggressive about TTC. I want to be aggressive believe me but I'm a chicken. I have no idea what side effects will hit me with either drug so I decided to try Bromocriptine alone for now. He said we could try this for 3-6 months and then move on to Clomid. Trust me I'm not waiting that long. We've been trying for a while now and nothing. If in one or two cycles it doesn't happen naturally I'm going for it. I'm sorry for Jeff, Clomid does have moodiness as side effect, but he'll survive. I hope.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Christmas to do list

  1. Finish decorating.
  2. Buy new ornaments and change the tree.... Its already up but for some reason I'm not feeling my ornaments this year. I want new ones 'cause you know: new house, new look. Though, I doubt I'll get to that one this year.

  3. Christmas shopping... Um, I'm very late with that. Shame on me.. and Jeff.. I'm not taking all the blame here.

  4. Start writing our Christmas cards and send them out. At least we already have them, right?

  5. Stop procrastinating. I know this should be on top of my list but if I move it up then I have to start with that one... not much fun.

On other news:

-We never did find our camera charger so we ordered a new one... from China. According to Jeff it was much cheaper and I shouldn't be upset that it will take a few weeks. His point was that we already had months without a camera so what's my rush? Um, I dunno... Christmas? I want nice holiday pics but I guess he is right so I can't argue his point. I do have my camera phone so that will do. I guess.

-My next RE appointment is Wednesday the 17th. I'll find out what we are going to do for sure about the whole baby making business.

-Think I'm giving up Twilight so easily? Well, no. This is what I want:

Friday, December 12, 2008

"I guess I just lost my husband.....

.....I don't know where he went"

I so understand Pink when she sings this line.... well kinda... I actually know where he went:

To Facebook!

Jeff joined Facebook about 3 weeks ago and that’s how long I haven’t really spent time with him. I’ll admit, I’m a bit jealous. He spends his time talking to all these pretty ladies from his past (the guys don't count). I’m fine with that but I’m jealous because I can’t find any of my old friends on it. Now that’s not fair, is it? At work he can’t get on to the website but he talks to them on the phone. A bit obsessive I tell ya. Not that I can complain, maybe I'm the one whose obsessive trait rubbed off on him.

Anyway, it’s been too long without a husband so tonight I’m kidnapping him. No Facebook for him. Then again, knowing him, he will get on at 1:00 am just to check his wall... the Facebook whore that he is!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Flu shot or coincidence?

You know how they say that you don't get the flu from the flu shot?
Liars, liars, pants on fire!
I'm sick. Jeff is sick. We've been sick for almost a week now. And it feels a lot like the flu. This happened just a few days after getting the shot. What conclusion am I supposed to come up with? I know "they" say that you only get sick if you already had it in your system, but we were fine before. That's all I'm saying.
Since I've known Jeff I noticed that he tends to always get the flu right after he gets the shot. I experimented with his health a few years back and asked him not to get it... and surprise, surprise that was the only year he didn't get the flu. See? Wifey knows best. OK, not really but it proves my point. This year I decided to follow his lead and I got it too. I figured I'm TTC'ing and its the right thing to do. Second time I got it and second time I got sick, doesn't help my already pre-conceived notion, does it?
Maybe its just coincidence. Maybe Jeff always has it in his system and the shot brings it out, who knows? Maybe its just because our guards are down. I've been on the sad side with my due date, our fertility issues and my stupid tumor. Um, I mean nice tumor. I don't want to upset it... just in case.
Maybe our stress made us sick? I don't know. But I want to investigate into this whole flu shot thing..... I think its out to get us.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

This is one explanation....

I've been more on the down side about this whole TTC thing, so I decided to lighten the mood up a bit. Ever wonder why it can take so long to get knocked up? Wonder no more.....

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Ok, now I'm sad =(

I'm sure I miscarried for a good reason, but I would have loved being ready to pop right now. At one point I saw today's date as the most exciting one coming up. Now? Not so much. Instead of giving birth there is AF. Bwaaawaaa. Sniff. Sniff.

I also got all the results for our testings. Jeff's "boys" analysis was better this time. He only has mild morphology issue, but we can work with that. Our bloodwork result was "unremarkable" as my RE said, except for my prolactin levels. Not surprising.

And then there is my MRI....

I do have a tumor BUT its benign. I have to go chit chat with the RE to discuss treatments. I'm a bit scared. According to our first "talk" before we knew if I did have a tumor or not, we'll do drugs. If the drugs fail to shrink it then surgery will have to be done. I say give me the drugs, up the dose, don't be shy. I can handle it. I just hope it doesn't shrink my brain too. I need my few brain cells, you know?

I am, however, very happy that the tumor is not malignant. So I guess that's good news on this sad day. No, I don't guess. I know. Thank you God... now... please help me preserve some brain cells =)

Monday, December 1, 2008

December 2nd, 2008....My Due Date

How am I supposed to feel? Frustrated? Sad? Angry? Horrified that I’m not at least pregnant yet… nine months later? Instead I’m waiting for AF. Surprisingly I don’t feel any of that. All I feel is empty.

No baby for Christmas. No pregnant belly for new years. And honestly I’m having a POAS withdrawal so I don’t even have that satisfaction. We are obviously not trying right now because we are waiting on our results so I haven’t been Peeing on any sitcks. Maybe I’ll do that on Christmas morning just for something TTC related. It’ll be an ovulation stick though; there is no need to waste a good pregnancy test.

My stomach is completely empty. Well kinda… I did eat a lot over the weekend with a good jump-start on Thanksgiving. It should be illegal how much I ate. Either way, the emptiness I feel sucks. Expecting AF tomorrow to remind me how non-pregnant I am sucks more. Boo.