As you can imagine I've been living in self pity this past week. But I realized that I can find positive learning experiences in all this negativity. Here is my short list:
- Being in the hospital taught me that their beds are really comfortable. I mean, really comfortable! And now I know that if I ever have to go back at least there is something good waiting for me there.
- Being in all this HORRIBLE pain with no pain killers? Well..... it pretty much taught me that apparently I can endure pain. I really can't see anything else positive about it, I just feel like I'm being kicked while I'm down. Sure I can barely walk and it's cruel on top of the loss but hey! at least I'm surviving.
- Seeing Jeff so sad shows me that I'm very lucky to have him. Its easy for guys to be more disconnected from it all since its not their bodies and they are less emotional. But I know that it was "our" loss not just "mine" and that we are there for each other no matter what.
- Going through another loss? I suppose that it happened for a very good reason and that we are lucky it happened at such an early stage because otherwise it would have been even more devastating. Or that if it was for sure an ectopic and it had continued to develop, it could have killed me if it ruptured. Maybe because God knew Jeff and I would survive and gave a healthy baby instead to another couple who really needed it. Who knows? Yes, those are some positives but they are not good enough because they are not for certain. The best thing I learned that I know is 100% true is that we still have faith. We know it was meant to happen (cause otherwise it wouldn't have, right?), that God has a better plan for us and most importantly that we believe and trust that someday we will be parents. It's so easy to lose faith when we are tested this way but thankfully we haven't.