I debated a long time on whether or not to blog about how I'm feeling. Today that I'm off and I'm home alone I've been driving myself crazy. This blog is after all for me to vent and its my biggest outlet. I didn't want to write about it because I have some people IRL that read this and I didn't want them worrying too much.
I am depressed. Very much so.
I wish I could stop crying when no one is around. I wish I could snap out of it. And I'm tired of trying so hard to be my normal bubbly self. But I just can't stand myself... and the worse part? I know I have no right to feel this way. I have an amazing husband, the best family and friends, and I'm blessed to have health (somewhat) and a home and a job, etc., etc., etc.
I can't get out of my head the saying that things happen for a reason. And it makes me afraid that it means my body is just telling me straight up "no." I have a benign tumor in my brain and no matter how I know its OK, it scares the shit out of me. The medicine makes me too tired and possibly its the culprit of my depression but if I stop taking it the tumor can grow rapidly and be worst. Even without that I obviously have fertility issues. When I get past that and get pregnant my body, my own body, repels it. So therefore I hate my body, not only because its turning on me but also because I turned on it too and I've gained more weight than I care to have. It should have been pregnancy lbs, but nope.
My biggest fear and what hurts the most is the thought in my head that if things happen for a reason maybe my body is telling me that I'm just not meant to be a mother... and how do I look at myself in the mirror knowing I'm staring at my own enemy?