Wednesday, May 6, 2009

If Things Happen For A Reason...

I debated a long time on whether or not to blog about how I'm feeling. Today that I'm off and I'm home alone I've been driving myself crazy. This blog is after all for me to vent and its my biggest outlet. I didn't want to write about it because I have some people IRL that read this and I didn't want them worrying too much.

I am depressed. Very much so.

I wish I could stop crying when no one is around. I wish I could snap out of it. And I'm tired of trying so hard to be my normal bubbly self. But I just can't stand myself... and the worse part? I know I have no right to feel this way. I have an amazing husband, the best family and friends, and I'm blessed to have health (somewhat) and a home and a job, etc., etc., etc.

I can't get out of my head the saying that things happen for a reason. And it makes me afraid that it means my body is just telling me straight up "no." I have a benign tumor in my brain and no matter how I know its OK, it scares the shit out of me. The medicine makes me too tired and possibly its the culprit of my depression but if I stop taking it the tumor can grow rapidly and be worst. Even without that I obviously have fertility issues. When I get past that and get pregnant my body, my own body, repels it. So therefore I hate my body, not only because its turning on me but also because I turned on it too and I've gained more weight than I care to have. It should have been pregnancy lbs, but nope.

My biggest fear and what hurts the most is the thought in my head that if things happen for a reason maybe my body is telling me that I'm just not meant to be a mother... and how do I look at myself in the mirror knowing I'm staring at my own enemy?

23 comments:

  1. Shanny you are being too hard on yourself! Just because you are fortunate in so many ways does not mean that you don't have the right to feel depressed. Feelings are just feelings - not logical, and nearly never convenient - they just ARE. Give yourself permission to feel this right now and work through it the best you can. Throwing guilt on top of depression is not going to help...
    And OF COURSE you are going to be a mother!!! As far as I can tell the only thing I've heard your body say to you is just: "not yet". To which of course you can reply with foot stomping and crying, but it WILL happen for you.
    Please take care of yourself.

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  2. (((BUG HUGS)))

    Shanny, I cried when I read this.

    I am so sorry that you are experiencing such pain and heartache at this time. I hate it for you and I wish with all of my might that there was something I could do for you.

    I will most certainly be praying for you, dear friend.

    You are entitled to your feelings but remember that you are a very precious person who is loved and appreciated more than you know.

    While I cannot relate to what you are going through, I know how it feels to be depressed and it is such a lonely and heart wrenching feeling. Regarding motherhood, I hope and pray that in time God will plant a healthy, beautiful baby within you and nature will run it's course to birth a miracle.

    You are amazing, encouraging, sweet and so beautiful! I hope you realize your worth.

    Please know that we are here for you. As cliche' as it may seem. I sincerely care about you and what you're going through. You've always encouraged me and I want to return the favor.

    Praying for healing to your body and spirit.

    You are stronger than you think!

    Much love to you sweet Shanny!

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  3. I wish I had words to make it better. I don't, of course. But I did want to say that I understand. Not exactly, of course, I don't understand everything nor the extent of what you've gone through, but I can imagine a little bit because I also feel that my body has betrayed me. It's a horrible, harsh reality, and makes it hard to remember the good things when you're in the skin of that which works against you. And I, too, have put on weight in a backwards effort to rail against my body. Perhaps you can find some solace in knowing that you're not alone.

    I wish you peace. And I hope that someday your body becomes your friend again.

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  4. Your post left me crying and I could feel your hopelessness. Please hold on! You will get through this.I Know that God is catching each and every tear and one day on the other side of all this you will be joyful! I will be praying for you.

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  5. Girl... I hear you loud and clear. I had a moment like this late last week. It's so hard to ride this rollercoaster of emotions of hope, dispair and indifference. It sucks! Keep your head up... I'm praying for you

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  6. Shanny,
    Hang in there and please, please, PLEASE do not think for one second you are not meant to be a mother.

    Do you know what you are enduring? You are enduring a time that is molding and shaping you to be an even more amazing person. You are being molded into a mom who is going to love her children SO MUCH because you went through many trials to get them. I fear someone might take this the wrong way, but you are going to be more of a mother to those can achieve pregnancy without batting an eye. All of your tears, your suffering and your heartache will later translate to a love so strong...your future children are very very lucky to have you.

    I literally just read a bible verse 10 minutes ago and I'm lead to pass it on to you. Psalm 116:1-2,10 says "I love the Lord because He hears me; he listens to my prayers. He listens to me everytime I call out to him. I keep on believing even when I said, 'I am completely crushed."

    In your weakness, He is strong, dear Shanny. Cry, vent, be angry...but know that God hears your pleas and is catching every one of your tears.

    If you are hesitant to blog about your feelings, I hope you know you can email me anytime. Hang in there. I'm praying for you with all my might.

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  7. Whoops...error above. I meant to say: You are going to be more of a mother than those can achieve pregnancy without batting an eye...

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  8. I know how hard it is to think that everything happens for a reason, and I have no idea what it must be like for you to be going through everything you are, but hang in there. It took me a long time to start seeing the good things that came from our loss and actually believe that things happen for a reason, but they do. I'm sure I don't know you as well as others do, but these experiences will make you a much stronger person:mother, daughter, wife, friend, and when you are a mother, you are going to have so much more appreciation and strength. Hang in there *hugs*

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  9. Shanny, I cried as I read your post. I am so sorry that you're going through this. The heartbreak of 1 m/c is hard, but 2 is overwhelming. I pray that you have peace and know that you will be a mother one day, a wonderful mother. ((Hugs))

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  10. Oh friend, prayers and hugs to you!!!

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  11. Please know that all these feelings you are having, are normal. Losing a pregnancy is such a difficult thing to cope with, and feeling depressed is a normal reaction (at least that's how I feel). Just be good to yourself, enjoy your family and husband, and know that things will get better. You will get your sweet little baby one day soon. Just believe that through all the hardships, peace and happiness will come in the end :) Big hugs to you!

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  12. Oh sweetie, you are meant to be a mother. Think of all the wonderful ladies that have become mothers in spite of many difficulties. I know you will have it happen someday.

    Even though you have so much to be thankful for, it is still okay to be sad about what you do not have. I'm so sorry you are going through so much pain.

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  13. I think you already are, one in waiting, but you are.

    Be kind to yourself. Take care.

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  14. Oh my goodness - I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I wish I knew of something I could do, but please know that you are not alone and there are people who care. ((HUGS))

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  15. Thank you everyone for your concern and your kind words. They really help in these sad times. Big hug for all of you lovely blogger friends =)

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  16. Shanny, I'm so sorry you're depressed. But I'm glad you recognize you are... that's the first step in treating it. Given what you are going through, its understandable to have the feelings you're having. You shouldn't feel bad or ashamed about what you are feeling.

    I too believe that "things happen for a reason". I always look for the lesson in those instances... what was that situation supposed to teach me? What do I need to change about myself so that that situation doesn't keep happening (because really the only thing we can change in this world is ourselves, our minds)? Its not a permanent thing either. Just because you weren't a mother in the past doesn't mean you won't ever be one (that's crazy talk :) ).

    Yes, things happen for a reason - good and bad. But what if the thing that happened was meant to show you that you are NOT your own worst enemy - but your own saviour? You can live through these things, these experiences, and come out a stronger person on the other side. Trust that what you want to happen will happen, in time. Look into the mirror and see the future mother you will be - not the depressed young woman who is holding onto the failures of yesterday instead of the possibilities of tomorrow.

    I know you'll be a mother someday. The things that have happened are just part of your winding journey to getting there :)

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