Monday, May 25, 2009

Still struggling...

I'm still feeling lost, down, and confused. Somewhere along the way I lost who I used to be. I want to be the best Shanny I can be, but I don't know how. She seems so distant, almost like a stranger.

I can't believe I've let my whole world spin around having a family. I can't even remember what I did before this decision came in the picture. That's pretty sad in my opinion. Yes, I had a life. A great life really, but I can't imagine that anything else seemed as important as creating life. This is where I am now and apparently I can't deal with my present. The TTC waiting sucks, the prolactinoma tumor sucks, the not knowing how long before I get pg sucks, the possibility of losing it again sucks, but struggling to hold on to faith sucks even more.

I miss my old self. I wish to be more obsessed with living my life instead of obsessing on creating a new one. Mostly I wish I could create a new life and teach it how to live.... but how to do that if I can't do it myself? I lost the balance somewhere...


  1. Your old self is in there somewhere babe. Try and find her.


    ps, the book is amazing. I'd totally recommend it!!

  2. I totally hear you. TTC (especially after m/c) can be all consuming, it is easy to get lost in it. Take care.

  3. ps. Deleted my blog today - but doesn't mean I won't be reading and commenting on yours.
    S X

  4. Oh Shanny... I totally know how you feel. I keep saying the same things. "I just want to me be. Where did I lose sight?" I know it's so hard.

    I keep trying to tell myself that if I let this define me it's as if I've stopped living since our loss.

    Sometimes it does feel that way but I have to remind myself often to keep on going.


  5. I'm sorry Shanny! I don't think your alone in your feelings. It took me a very long time to find myself again and am still working on it. I started acupuncture and my acupuncturist also tried this thing called Psych-K on me. You'll have to google it. I must say my outlook about TTC is much different. I was always so negative about babies and the making, but some how this stuff worked. I have faith in you and believe you will find that Faith again. (((HUGE HUGS))) Your TTC buddies love you!

  6. I'm sorry honey. I do think that this process changes us. I used to search for the old me - now I just try to make the new me the best she can be. You'll figure it out - you'll find a you that you're happy with and of which you're proud. It's just not as easy as it used to be :)

  7. Im sorry you are feeling this way (((hugs)))

    The good thing is, you arent alone. IF does change you and the hard part is that it does change you in negative ways. But there is also opportunities to find goodness in the journey, although its not easy.

    One thing I did was challenge myself to BE ME again. Do something for you, you deserve it. Live life, even if its just for an afternoon. Take back your life, even for a short time. Sometimes those small moments renew you to keep going through the hard times.

    Thinking of you :)

  8. Girl, I'm still thinking about you. I so wish I could snap my fingers and take away all of your anguish...please hang in there. We're all rooting for you, dear.

  9. ((Hugs)) I totally know how you feel. I wish I could just say forget TTC and if it happens it happens and if it doesnt then thats just that but no such luck.

    I hope you start feeling better soon.

  10. I totally understand. I'm sorry you're going through a rough point...I have my ttc ups and downs and sometimes it literally consumes me for weeks on end. It's really hard to be patient and trust that everything will eventually work out....TOTALLY sucks. Best of luck to you and lots of babydust.

    TTC Chick

  11. I wish I had some magic words to help. I remember that feeling well. Some days I still feel that way. I'm hoping that you'll be able to find some comfort soon. ((hugs))

  12. I hope you are feeling back to your old self soon...

  13. I totally get where you are. Hang in there.

  14. The fact that you realize what's happening and can say you want a change is the biggest and first step.

    Hang in there and try to do something, anything, each day toward rediscovering you.

    Hugs & Smiles,

  15. Shanny,

    I can totally relate to how you are feeling. TTC can be consuming and you can lose yourself very easily. I know your old self is still in there and not only that, but "she" will make a fantastic mom. ((Hugs)) You will get through this.

  16. It's hard to find yourself amongst so much sadness. Take the time to heal and you'll come out of hiding eventually. :)


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