Me Turkey, You baster

IUI # 1 done. Here is the story:

I drove to the clinic with Jeff as my passenger, he was holding our precious cargo: his boys. When we got there I was in such a state that I couldn't figure out why my car wouldn't lock after I got out.... the problem became clear when I noticed that it was still running. Note to self: always turn the car off before you try to lock it and leave it. Oh boy.

We dropped off his boys and went to get some breakfast while they washed them up with soap and water. Okay so I don't know what they "wash" it with but I assume it's their medical version of soap and water. The count came back to be 24 million. Jeff was very proud of himself to say the least. When we did the u/s, we found that both follicles had already collapsed, but the nurse said they seemed to have been very very recently and that we had perfect timing. Maybe I ovulated during breakfast, I felt an intense pain then but didn't think anything of it. I dunno. From what I found in google I wouldn't have even seen the collapsed follicle if it was more than a couple of hours, so we are good. Phew!

The actual insemination took about a minute. I wonder if that will "up" our chances? You know, cause the time length sounds about right when you compare it to the "traditional way." heehee. Either way, its done. And I don't have to go back tomorrow since I already ovulated. So that's it. I've been bastered. Go Turkey, go!!! (yes, I'm cheering myself on)

Oh and miss InfertileNaomi, do you remember a certain dare for me to take a pic with my baby tube? Well here it is:

Triggered! Again.

I've been going every single morning to the Dr this week. I feel like I'm having an affair with that dildo cam AND developing a thing for needles. Mind you, I hate needles. It just goes to show you can surprise even yourself. God help me!

My lining was holding me back this whole week. It was in the 6mm range the past 2 days only to jump to 8.1 today. Couldn't it have been the required 7mm yesterday? No, of course not. The worst thing is that it took too long and now my follicles are on the very big side. They are 32mm and 24mm. I'm wondering if the 32mm is too big? The Dr didn't seem concerned and I didn't want to ask because I was a little afraid of his answer. I got my HCG shot and now I guess we will have to wait and see what happens.

Tomorrow is my first IUI. Sunday is the second one. I'm freaked out!!! I need all the good luck wishes you can spare..pretty please with sugar on top? I hope it doesn't hurt too much but I will take the pain if it results in a blackberry...I mean baby. I assume that would be my congrats gift from Jeff. Well I'm hoping so anyway. By the way, he responded to your comments if you want to check it out. He is being way too stubborn for my taste. I gotta fix that....

I want, I want!!!

You know that little thing you call Blackberry?
The expensive one. The one that lets you be online at all times. The one that all these corporate employees are addicted to? I need it.

Its for work. I swear.

Not to work but for me to take it to work with me. Why? Well because they are very inconsiderate at work and they don't allow us full Internet access. How is an Internet addict supposed to survive all those hours when you have restrictions? I'm sure you are going to say: "Well, by working Shanny" but honestly I don't like your answer. I want to be able to interact with my message board buddies and follow up with all your blogs, you do love comments don't you? I can't count the number of times I think of cool posts but by the time I get home I've forgotten them. It's quite irritating.

And its not like I wont concentrate at work. I only need it for when I'm on my lunch hour.... and the 15 breaks per day I plan on taking if I get one. That's all. You might wonder why I don't already have one if I'm an adult and clearly have an obsession with something I don't own. Well, that's because the husband says no. Boo! He is such a party pooper. So what if he pays for the cell plan? Or if he thinks I have no valid reason to have one? I will find a way to force him to agree that I need a Blackberry and hopefully surprise me with one. I know I can get it myself but I want the satisfaction of knowing he really does love me. I am after all going through tons of treatments to give him a child, I deserve a love token. I need to feel appreciated, ya know? (Yes, I'm trying to manipulate you Jeff lol)

But in all seriousness, I do need one, all professional bloggers do. Wouldn't you love one?

Oh!Varies....

I have them. I feel them. I am waaaay too aware of them.

This time the drugs are making my ovaries feel very sensitive. I think they are attacking me in there. It could be good, it could be bad, but personally I'm rooting for them. I'm hoping that all the pain awareness I'm feeling is due to awesome growing follicles, I almost feel like cheering them on: You can do it! You can do it! Maybe I should cheer them on.... that might just be the secret to our success....

I had an appointment this morning to see exactly what's going on in there. I have 3 possible follies: 18.5mm, 16.6mm, and 13.8mm, the only thing is my lining is too thin at 4.4 so I have to keep going until its thick enough. If it gets thick enough. Clomid is really retarded if you ask me. Why would you give us more eggies if you are going to thin out our linings? Why?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now I'm going to change the subject on you, merely because I can.

Please allow me a moment of pride to announce that Miss Venezuela was the winner of the Miss Universe contest last night for the 2nd year in a row. Our 6th Miss Universe. Woohoo!!! Personally I wasn't a big fan of this year's Miss Venezuela but it sure doesn't bother me that we won again. I'm sure they are celebrating big time right now. Venezuela really takes a lot of pride in having the reputation of beautiful women (no, I don't know what happened to me), they are a bit obsessive but if they keep winning I won't complain =)

Lovely? Why Thank You!

Wonder if I'm doing better now? I suppose so. I'm really just going through this as yet another cycle. I'm not expecting anything out of it, whatever will be will be. As of now, I received something that made me smile! I got it 2 weeks ago but apparently I've been too self involved to write a post about it. Shame, shame, shame...

Thanks Kristin for giving me the "One Lovely Blog Award." I want you to know that I 'm now blushing =) I'm also not surprised at all that you were one of the recipients of this award, you totally deserve it!

The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

These are my nominees (in alphabetical order, I don't want cat fights):

1- A Glimpse into my thoughts

2- a NYC Housewife-In-Training

3- Ask Wifey

4-Baby Tales

5-Faith Hope and Love

6-In Her Shoes

7-Learning to be a Wife

8-Little Bluebirds Fly

9-Love and Marriage

10-Our NEWlywed LIFE!

11-Rambling Renovators

12-The Golden Rod's Journey

13-The Squawkery

14-TTC Connections

15-999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility

Defeated

How do you deal with your anger? I don't mean to bury myself in my sorrows but I feel too defeated right now to fight back with all I have.

I know its not the end of the world, I know there are far worse situations out there, I know I have many blessings, etc, etc, etc, but my heart is filled with such sadness that right now I'm not sure how to cope. I was feeling very angry this weekend knowing that next month I would have been bringing home a lil one or that in December our 1st baby would have turned one. "Would have been" is a term I can't take out of my head and in some twisted way thinking about what could have been makes me feel a little better.

Was I a fool for thinking that after 2 years of trying our first cycle of Clomid would have worked? I guess so. We had hope, a lot of hope but apparently that was not enough. So this 2nd cycle of Clomid already feels like a failure, I don't seem to be feeling side effects yet. I know we have the added IUI procedure this time but I think I just lost my faith in the middle of all my anger. I will keep fighting of course and keep trying to find my faith back but not today. Right now I need to let myself feel every single ounce of defeat that I can. Hopefully that will help me wake up tomorrow with a determination to never give up.

If At First You Don't Succeed... Try, Try Again, Right?

Well, I don't exactly have a choice but to do so.

I went to get my blood test this morning knowing darn well what the results would be. As you can imagine I've been peeing like mad on ma' sticks and they all had the same results: Only one line. Negative. Not pregnant. Just plain and simple NO.

So for me:
Clomid + HCG shot+ Progesterone Supplements = nothing.

Well not "nothing," I did have an attitude problem and a bunch of pregnancy symptoms that I have the above drugs to thank for. As of now I stopped taking the progesterone so that my period can show up in a few days and I can start this whole madness again. At this point we are going to be more aggressive. This month marks exactly 2 years since we've started this journey and it feels like forever. My infertility insurance balance keeps going down (I have a lifetime set amount) and since we really don't want to pay out of pocket for these treatments we are taking advantage while we can and we are going for IUI. This is what my Dr. had recommended to begin with but Jeff and I decided to try to get pregnant as natural as possible, it seems that's a bust though.

So yep, I will be turkey bastered.

It's almost like faith I think... my birthday does usually fall around Thanksgiving so it seems fitting that I should (hopefully) get pregnant by being treated like a Thanksgiving turkey.

Once a cheater... always a cheater...

Once again I have a nightmare of Jeff cheating on me. Insecure much? Not really but my dreams really do know how to get the best of me.

So apparently he some how became friends with Adriana Lima, yes the Victoria Secret Supermodel, and they hang out a few times. I seemed to have been fine with them being friends but I was very surprised when he told me he was leaving me for her. Of course I didn't fight much because between me and her.... obviously I wouldn't win. And why her? No idea, we just watched a movie that had some scenes in Brazil so maybe that's why but I really couldn't tell. Haven't seen or read anything about her but she sure was there in my dreams waiting for Jeff to finish talking to me, and what was she wearing? Victoria Secret bra and thong of course!

Either way, in my dream I was asking him why he got me pregnant with twins if he was going to leave me. And what does the bastard say? Because he felt bad that he was leaving me and this way I wouldn't be alone because I'd have his kids. Full of himself, no?