They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, yes? Well, if this is true. Somewhere in the world there must be one or two 99 year old ladies who will find me sexy.
Let me explain:
I had babies, bla, bla, bla, this is old story *yawn* you already know this.
My belly got big and I got two special things along with it (not the twins):
1- stretch marks and
2- a linea negra.
We are still on the same page, right? Ok, let's move on.
Now, NOW, and I mean right this moment, said belly with the help of the linea negra and the stretch marks, has turned into an old man's butt. You read that right, an old wrinkly man's butt. The linea negra is in such way that it appears to be the butt crack and well, you can imagine the rest... let's not even try to figure out what the belly button could be (heehee). I will of course NOT show you a picture because I rather let you think that I'm exaggerating (I'm not). Just know that when you see me and I still look pregnant, the reality of it is that I'm carrying an old man's butt flapping over my lady business. Jeff is one lucky man I tell ya. Obviously, I don't walk around flaunting it.
Is it sad that my old man's butt actually has more cushion than my own butt? If only I could transfer it from my front to the back.... *sigh*
The thing to know is that you must, under all circumstances, keep your grandmothers away from me. They might recognize the shape and then wont be able to keep their hands off me. And nobody wants to beat up an old lady for getting too excited, much less me... or Jeff... for that matter. He does happen to be married to my extra butt. Poor guy.
Needless to say, I'm sexier than you cause I'm the one rocking two butts. That's four a$$ cheeks! What you got to top that? Huh, huh?
Hey lady with two sexy butts,
ReplyDeleteYou are hilarious lol
Soon in the next 18 months or so your extra butt will be gone and you won't be as sexy. You had twins so its expected to look somewhat funny but I'm sure its not that bad. You are a beautiful mama!
Haha!
ReplyDeleteFour ass cheeks? That's a lot of spanking for Jeff to do lol
ReplyDeleteYou are an incredible woman, with a beautiful body that created 2 miracles :)
I have the frontal ass too. I would like to say it goes away but after a year, more sit ups that I could ever count and running I still have it. Sorry to tell you that. It is flatter, but the wrinkliness is just here to stay I think!
ReplyDeleteI know you're not happy with your body right now. And body image is something that affects us all REALLY deeply. It's deeply personal and no amount of anyone telling us how beautiful we still are changes it. So, I'm sorry you're struggling with it. I hope you just find peace in knowing that that stretched out and extra-cushy body carried two beautiful babies.
ReplyDeleteWow! I don't know what to say except your writing style is HILARIOUS!
ReplyDeleteGive yourself a break; my OB says it takes a year for your body to recover (and that is with 1 baby). We are not these famous people who have personal chefs, nannies, and trainers who help them bounce back to their former shape in 2.5 seconds.
Shanny you are hilarious, but so right. I too now have the "old man's ass". Time will tell if my body recovers. Granted, I didn't have twins.
ReplyDeleteYOU!!! Stop it! You are gorgeous inside and out!! You gave birth to two babies!! Your body will adjust, just give it time!
ReplyDeleteI'm playing catch up on your posts (i fell in a hole myself - of self pity!) and just wanted you to know that I adore you and happen to think your sense of humor makes the thought of ending up with two butts myself, a little more tolerable. :) You're an angel...and a funny one at that!
ReplyDelete