I’m having one of those sad days. I just found out two co-workers are pregnant. I'm not sad because they are pregnant, I'm just down because I realized that I'll never have that fear-free happiness that they do. They are both in early weeks, one was an oops and the other was perfectly wanted. She said "Oh, I want a baby" and the next thing you know she is pregnant….. so nice…. I guess…
That nice innocent surprise they had of: "Oh, shit I’m pregnant!"… I will never have again. Ever.
Even if I try month after month, track ovulation, do the deed at the right times, use anything I can to help me get knocked up I wont believe that its real. And worse? I am so sure I will lose it again. First I have problems getting pregnant and second my body fails to keep it going when I do.
I’m surrounded by quite a few women IRL who have had m/c’s as well, and a lot on the Internet. So I pray for these two girls that they don’t have to go through the heartbreaks we have. Unfortunately it can happen at any point during the pregnancy up until birth. It is so devastating and my heart goes out to those who had to live through such experience. Yes, I am consumed by jealousy but I pray that these girls will have their babies, I really do.
I remember that at one point I was so sure I would get pregnant easily. Actually I thought that by now I would be expecting my second…. Sike! All of this makes me so afraid to even try again, which if I’m ready emotionally we will in April (With the help of Clomid). I feel like I’m somehow destined to not have a baby, and mostly I feel this way because its my own body that is betraying me. The first time I got a BFP I felt on top of the world and was so excited about it, the second time was the opposite. I was so scared and we tried not to get too attached (not much luck there) and for good reasons because it ended as soon as it started. When and if I get pregnant again I’m sure I’ll be petrified. Until I get home from the hospital with that kid I will be scared of something happening. Don't get me wrong I have faith but right now the fear is overshadowing it. I just can't see past the pool of blood that have shattered my dreams twice.
No more innocence and genuine happiness for me, and many others. We lost it and to find it again would be a miracle.