Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I Lost My Innocence

I’m having one of those sad days. I just found out two co-workers are pregnant. I'm not sad because they are pregnant, I'm just down because I realized that I'll never have that fear-free happiness that they do. They are both in early weeks, one was an oops and the other was perfectly wanted. She said "Oh, I want a baby" and the next thing you know she is pregnant….. so nice…. I guess…

That nice innocent surprise they had of: "Oh, shit I’m pregnant!"… I will never have again. Ever.

Even if I try month after month, track ovulation, do the deed at the right times, use anything I can to help me get knocked up I wont believe that its real. And worse? I am so sure I will lose it again. First I have problems getting pregnant and second my body fails to keep it going when I do.

I’m surrounded by quite a few women IRL who have had m/c’s as well, and a lot on the Internet. So I pray for these two girls that they don’t have to go through the heartbreaks we have. Unfortunately it can happen at any point during the pregnancy up until birth. It is so devastating and my heart goes out to those who had to live through such experience. Yes, I am consumed by jealousy but I pray that these girls will have their babies, I really do.

I remember that at one point I was so sure I would get pregnant easily. Actually I thought that by now I would be expecting my second…. Sike! All of this makes me so afraid to even try again, which if I’m ready emotionally we will in April (With the help of Clomid). I feel like I’m somehow destined to not have a baby, and mostly I feel this way because its my own body that is betraying me. The first time I got a BFP I felt on top of the world and was so excited about it, the second time was the opposite. I was so scared and we tried not to get too attached (not much luck there) and for good reasons because it ended as soon as it started. When and if I get pregnant again I’m sure I’ll be petrified. Until I get home from the hospital with that kid I will be scared of something happening. Don't get me wrong I have faith but right now the fear is overshadowing it. I just can't see past the pool of blood that have shattered my dreams twice.

No more innocence and genuine happiness for me, and many others. We lost it and to find it again would be a miracle.


  1. You are a MUCH better person than I am for wishing your coworkers well. I, too lament the loss of innocence that a miscarriage brings...

  2. I'm so sorry you are having a hard day. It's so hard to stay positive and get excited after all that you've been through. I totally understand. You are in my prayers.

  3. Hon, I can understand that lost innocence and joy. I don't dare share this on my blog, but I too find myself seething in jealousy over those who can snap their fingers and poof! - they're pregnant.

    Have your down day but remember NOTHING is impossible. One day you WILL get pregnant and you WILL carry that child to term and you WILL be a mommy. These are trying times meant to mold us into wonderful people and amazing parents.

    I'm going to pray for you, dear. I pray that God's peace surrounds your heart and soul tonight.

    Hang in there.

  4. I could've written this. I think the most difficult thing would be to get pregnant again. I don't know how I would be excited, I think I'd just be a mess.
    I know what you mean about your coworkers. I try to tell myself that will be me someday. You are such a strong person, I know you will be a wonderful mother and I am confident you are destined to be one.
    Hang in there... we all have these days.

  5. Oh ((HUGS)) sweetie. I know how you're feeling. It is so terrifying. While we may never have that innocence back just think that those women will never know the true joy of reaching a BFP. So many women may think they're happy about that BFP but really they don't know how much it means to women like us. You're time will come sweetie.

  6. I'm so sorry you are having such a hard day. I completely understand what you mean. Our innocence is gone and when we do get our BFP we will probably be scared the entire pregnancy. As hard as it is, I know God has a plan for us and I know you will get your sticky baby really soon. ((Hugs))

  7. I'm so sorry about your past miscarriages. No wonder your having a sad day ... I think that's totally normal! Hang in there and hang on to your faith; and don't beat yourself up for your feelings. (I've had a miscarriage before, too - I know how devastating they can be).

    Sending good thoughts and prayers your way...

    Winks & Smiles,

  8. Oh honey, this post tears me up! I'm praying for sweet friend. HUGS!!!

  9. I'm sorry to hear that things still aren't going well for you. I will pray that you have more luck in time...I can't imagine how hard your struggle must be!

    I'm finally updating my blog I will make sure to keep checking in on yours!


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