Saturday, April 11, 2009

The beginning of my first end...

Thursday April 10th, 2008
I started spotting a little bit. I called my OB/GYN to see if I should worry. I was asked to come in so they can check me out. It was brown spotting and I was told that it seemed OK because that means it's old blood, probably left over from implantation. They took my blood for testing and I had an ultrasound. We saw the sac, just the sac. I was 6 weeks 3 days pregnant.... there should have been a fetal pole... instead there was only an empty sac. Considering I ovulate so darn late in my cycles it might have been normal but the Dr. seemed concerned. Jeff and I were still hopeful.

Friday April 11th, 2008
I went to work with all my nerves on edge. I started cramping and of course that led to freaking out. Around 2:00 PM I got a call from the Dr.'s office. I was told that the pregnancy didn't seem viable and that I should expect to miscarry over the weekend. An hour later I was in the bathroom saying good bye to my baby.

My heart still cries for that baby. My heart now cries for 2 babies. Today I don't feel like I'm strong enough to try when my new cycle starts. It might make me a coward but I'm OK with that.

I was feeling excited about April because my body got more than enough time to heal. But my heart? I'm not so sure. Maybe its because today is such a bad anniversary and it makes me sad and afraid. We will see what I decide to do. For now I just want to focus on our blessings and wish everyone a Happy Easter!


  1. Big (((hugs))). I'm thinking about you today...

  2. I'm sorry this "anniversary" has come around. Do whatever you feel is right for you. We're here for you no matter what. ((hugs))

  3. I'm sorry. I can imagine you would have felt better if you were still pregnant with your second. Still sad but probably better. Take your time and only try TTC when you are ready. ((hugs))

  4. Oh ((HUGS)) I know it's hard. I hope you get your healthy baby soon.

  5. i am so sorry to hear about your loss, but glad to hear you are trying to keep your chin up. there is always another time, when you are ready. hang in there.

  6. :::hugs:::
    Milestones can be so difficult. I'm so sorry.

  7. (((HUGS)))

    So sorry Shanny. I can imagine that this time of year is so difficult for you. I pray for grace and peace to get you through this time and I also pray for a little miracle to enter into your lives very soon.

    You're loved!

  8. You're in my thoughts and prayers. These anniversaries are horrible. I'm so sorry.

  9. My thoughts are with you. I know how hard it is to try again after 2 losses. I pray that you will get your healthy baby soon.

  10. I haven't been on in a couple of weeks...
    Im so so sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine what your going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you
    big ((hugs))

  11. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Milestones are so hard. I'm praying that when you do feel ready to start ttc again you get that sticky BFP. ((Hugs))

  12. Aww, I hate that you have to go through that. Sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers your way. You'll find the strength to try again when you're ready.

    Stay strong.

    Winks & Smiles,

  13. It's so hard how our minds hold on to every tiny detail of our sadness. Hopefully wonderful things will eventually take up more space in our memories than the sad details of our past.


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