I keep having twisted thoughts, which is nothing new really, but right now they are pretty disturbing. I keep wondering what I will do if I have another miscarriage. Lets be honest here, it might just happen again because that's what I know to do when I'm pregnant. Jeff, God bless him is forever the hopeful, but me?
I'm psyching myself out!
And it is the stupidest thing really since I'm NOT losing this baby (I hope). I'm all anxious because I don't know what's going on in there. I know the development stage but I don't know if its happening to me, do I? I don't feel pregnant. I don't know that I'm pregnant. Ok, I know I am but I don't know KNOW. It isn't real yet. I can keep saying I'm pregnant but it doesn't mean anything to me. NOTHING. I'm excited, I am. Yet I'm waiting for the spotting to begin, I don't want it to happen obviously but its all I know. I hate that infertility and a killing uterus has taken away all my innocent joy. It is so unfair to this baby, so unfair.
By the way, if I do lose this baby someone will need to lock me up in a mental institution, thanks much.