Friday, February 19, 2010

I'm Being Psychologically Abused!

By ME.

I keep having twisted thoughts, which is nothing new really, but right now they are pretty disturbing. I keep wondering what I will do if I have another miscarriage. Lets be honest here, it might just happen again because that's what I know to do when I'm pregnant. Jeff, God bless him is forever the hopeful, but me?

I'm psyching myself out!

And it is the stupidest thing really since I'm NOT losing this baby (I hope). I'm all anxious because I don't know what's going on in there. I know the development stage but I don't know if its happening to me, do I? I don't feel pregnant. I don't know that I'm pregnant. Ok, I know I am but I don't know KNOW. It isn't real yet. I can keep saying I'm pregnant but it doesn't mean anything to me. NOTHING. I'm excited, I am. Yet I'm waiting for the spotting to begin, I don't want it to happen obviously but its all I know. I hate that infertility and a killing uterus has taken away all my innocent joy. It is so unfair to this baby, so unfair.

By the way, if I do lose this baby someone will need to lock me up in a mental institution, thanks much.

24 comments:

  1. It is useful to try everything in practise anyway and I like that here it's always possible to find something new. :)

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  2. Shanny you will not miscarry! Just keep being positive. That's so easy to just say. But this will work for you. I just know it!

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  3. Oh sweetie its so normal to feel this way after going through what you have but I'm sure you have nothing to worry about. (((Hugs)))

    Come on baby (ies) grow!!!!!

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  4. I know you are being serious but I couldn't help to laugh a little! Your twisted thoughts are disturbing, love it. I don't love that you are feeling this way I just love your sense of humor :)

    I also love that I KNOW you are pregnant and WILL be just fine for the whole 9 months!

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  5. Shanny I'm so sorry you are psyching yourself, stop it! =)
    You are right that its unfair that your history took your innocense away and can't enjoy this pregnancy because of fear. Try to put it away as far back in that twisted head and know you are pregnant. You are pregnant!

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  6. Miss Shanny... don't do that to yourself lady! Although I know it might make it easier should something happen - but I really really don't think it's going to play out that way lovey. I have faith that this one is going to stick and it's going to stick good and hard!
    Thinking of you and praying for some peace in that heart of yours... it's all going to be OKAY! Love ya lady! xo

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  7. This pregnancy will be alright Shanny it will. I understand how your mind can take you to that dark place and how scared you must be but remember how unfair it is for this baby and try your best to let go and enjoy. Sticky dust!

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  8. I think what you're experiencing is completely normal, especially with your history- at least it makes me feel better to say that since I went through the same thing! As time goes on and you reach those milestones it will start to sink in. Thinking happy thoughts is easier said than done, and sometimes you just have to force yourself :o) Today, at this moment you ARE pregnant, enjoy that the best you can!! (((HUGS)))

    Stick baby(ies?), stick!!

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  9. I'm sorry about the pysch outs, and I know it's so much easier said than done...but try not to go there. Enjoy every second, and try not to worry about the what ifs!! I'm hoping SO hard the baby(ies) are growing just as they should be! Thinking of you!!

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  10. Try to banish those nasty negative thoughts! I know how hard and scary it is. It felt like I didn't breathe for months when I got preggers again...but then I didn't enjoy a lot of my pregnancy. Sending happy thoughts your way!

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  11. You have every right to have those feelings, especially with your history. I hope after seeing your baby on the ultrasound you can find some peace and enjoy being pregnant.

    Hang in there!!

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  12. What you are feeling is completely normal even if you are not :D
    I'm praying for this to be it for you and Jeff. I know its not easy but try to enjoy this baby and know that you will meet him/her.

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  13. That is totally normal I'm sure but you will NOT miscarry!!

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  14. This is your baby. This one is going to make it to meet you and Jeff on the outside world and watch you grow to be old. :)
    It's totally normal to feel like you're feeling. Just try to enjoy every day as much as possible. Revel in the surrealness of it all. And enjoy the not sickness. I never got any of the typical pregnancy stuff early on either. No morning sickness, not smell aversions, not really sore breasts either. Later on, you'll definitely feel pregnant. But it truly took until about 20 weeks for it really to sink in. That first time you really feel them move is when you start to feel like you're "safe" because then you can monitor on your own and not wonder so much what's going on. ((hugs)) You'll be a great pregnant lady and a great mommy too!

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  15. Okay, time to banish those thoughts Shanny :) And just so you know, some spotting early on is perfectly normal too so don't sweat it if it happens. You're pregnant. Take it one step at a time. It will be all right.

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  16. Shanny- I don't know how it feels yet to be pregnant again after a micarriage, but I'm sure that it has to be one of the hardest thing to go through daily. I can only imagine that it is your every thought! You are in my prayers that this baby will bless you beyond belief. You deserve it girl!

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  17. I'm not a praying person but I do hope that it works out for you. The wife and I went through that twice and it was very upsetting and painful.

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  18. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was in ignorant bliss. I had no clue that women had miscarriages, etc. When I was pregnant with my second, I was in that same ignorant bliss until I had a miscarriage. Once I knew miscarriage was an option, I became obsessed and freaked out about it. So when it happened with the third pregnancy, I had expected it. If I ever get pregnant again, I know I'll be feeling the same way you are. It's so awful to know about the things that might happen. Ignorant bliss is so much more fun. Hang in there ... take a deep breath. Everything will be fine.

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  19. Of course you're feeling that way, but try not to drive yourself crazy. I'm happy for you, excited for you and most importantly praying for you!

    Winks & Smiles,
    Wifey

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  20. thinking good thoughts for you!!

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  21. Shanny, I know you're all busy with being a new "mommy" and everything over there, but come on, I miss your reads!! lol. Can't wait till the 25th. (or is it the 26th? I forget when your apt. is)
    p.s. You have an award waiting for you at my blog!

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  22. While my experience was not nearly as hard as yours as been, I experienced those same thoughts when we became pregnant again. It wasn't until the second sonogram - the one that found our first m/c - that I truly let myself be happy, but even then, I was constantly nervous - constantly doubting. Finally, Husby grabbed my shoulders and shook me (gently) saying, "We're having a baby! It's real. You need to relax your mind and body. I've drawn you a bubble bath. Here's your What To Expect Book. Now read. We have alot to catch up on." After that, I tried to stop worrying and just maintain a zen frame of mind (which I think helped my nerves if nothing else).

    Until the 25th, I am thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts and prayers. And no matter what happens, I'm hear if you want to talk. Just e-mail me. nyc (dot) housewife (dot) in (dot) training (at) gmail (dot) com.

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  23. OMG... "Lets be honest here, it might just happen again because that's what I know to do when I'm pregnant."

    I could have typed that sentance. That's my biggest worry as we've only miscarried following a BFP. I understand so much and am sending positive vibes!

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