Saturday, June 5, 2010

I know I'm pregnant but am I REALLY pregnant? Like really, really?

Today I'm 20 weeks or 5 months pregnant, allegedly......

Even though I'm more than halfway there (for twins), I cannot believe that I am pregnant. In my head I still don't know that I am pregnant, Ok, I know but I don't know know. So far I haven't experienced that "holy crap" moment....

Not when I was puking my guts out.
Not when I see my belly growing about an inch every second.
Not when I prick my fingers & follow a strict diet to deal with Gestational Diabetes.
Not when I pee a million times a day and night. Especially night.
Not when I feel them moving.
Not when I see them during the ultrasounds.
Not at all.

I'm just here, easy peasy growing two humans like nothing happened. And I do mean that. I feel like I'm one of the most graceful pregnant women out there, of course the fact that I don't "know I am" might have something to do with it, but I am pretty good considering....I think. Am I looking for a pat on the back for being a good girl? Not really, but I wouldn't mind it.... (Jeff). I'm just so blessed and thankful for these babies that I imagine if anyone asked me how I was doing while puking I'd be giving them the biggest (disgusting) smile of my life with two thumbs up. That being said, I'm not into puking anymore so don't be scared to ask.

I wonder, would I have been like this had I not struggled with infertility for so long? I probably don't want to know the answer.... I just need to get myself in gear and knock it into my head that I am expecting. And if you think its bad that I don't know I am pregnant don't even ask about the fact that they are: A- Twins and B- Boy and Girl. I mean, get outta here! There is no way, no way!!!

Of course none of that stops me from being scared. I haven't made one purchase for them yet, not one. Don't get me wrong I'm incredibly attached and in love but I guess I feel like it would be a jinx, I don't know. I can't exactly blame any of this on pregnancy brain or even my prolactin brain tumor, my brain is just plain twisted. I'm petrified of making a commitment of something I don't know even know is happening to me, God help me!


  1. You are REALLY REALLY pregnant! I know it's so hard to accept sometimes after battling IF, but it's TRUE. I def still get paranoid too. Go buy some baby stuff, you have earned it & it'll make you happy. :)

  2. You are fully, completely, 100% knocked up lady love. With child. Actually with CHILDREN! Growing two beautiful babies!!
    I love how happy you are - even with all the puking. Once you're holding the little monkey's in your arms you'll believe it ;)

  3. This is halarious to me because I am EXCACTLY the same way! I have never commented on your blog before, I'm just a routine "reader" but I HAD to comment on this one because I soooo feel what you are talking about. Granted, I am only 12w5d and you are well into your 20th week already.. but I really think that even if I WAS 20 weeks pregnant.. I still wouldnt beleive it! We tried for 2 1/2 years with one miscarriage under our belt.. so I agree with you when you say that it totally messes with your ability to beleive and ENJOY it like a "normal" preggo lady!

    My brain is just as twisted about this whole thing as well, trust me! =/

    God bless XOXO

  4. YES! You are really REALLY pregnant! I wouldn't lie to you :)

  5. Awww Shanny infertility really played a number on you, be a mom and yell at yourself that must enjoy the pregnancy haha
    And go buy stuff!

  6. Baby, you're doing a GREAT job of being pregnant and not complaining about anything :) I love you and our BABIES love you! Yes, we are having TWO cute, intelligent, charismatic, hilarious KIDS. Ams is right, we will definitely know it when they're in our arms (and we have major sleep deprivation, but that's for another post). I love you, you are awesome, and our babies love you like crazy. All my love, Husbonito

  7. Girl, YOU ARE SO PREGNANT! You're going to have two absolutely gorgeous little ones! Yayyy! Embrace it. I love it. I'm so happy for you and of course you are a graceful pregnant lady! ;)

  8. Awww Jeff's comment is so sweet! You two are great :)

    I hope it hits you soon so you can enjoy being pregnant fully, embrace it!

  9. You are very pregnant girl, those cute little babies you see are growing inside you and loving you like Jeff said. Go spend some of his money on them, that should do it lol

  10. Infertility is such a b*tch! Sorry that even at this point you are still scared of jinxing it, I know where you are coming from. And don't worry about the twisted brain I have that too lol

  11. You are growing two humans, of course you are pregnant! I would say I want you to feel pregnant but maybe that would make you pay attention to all the uncomfort and pains and make it bad? For me this is not too bad, you kind of know you are pregnant and keeping yourself in happy land I say enjoy this! But go shopping!!!

  12. Hah, I totally hear you Shanny!! Most days I just don't believe it, I really don't. But one of these days we better get on board cause there will be a baby (or babies in your case) that comes at the end of this. And that may be really shocking if we never admit we're actually preggo, hah!!

  13. You know, I totally felt the same way throughout my whole pregnancy. Even now, I sometimes look at my 13 month old and think "Wow, that is my kid. I made that little person". But you will most certainly feel like mom when you hold those helpless little babies for the first time. This is definitely happening Shanny!

  14. Hey Shanny!! I'm so sorry I haven't posted on here yet but YES i did get to cozy. It is fabulous! I use it to carry both my ipod and cell phone when I walk my dogs. It is perfect. Thanks again!


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