Today I'm 20 weeks or 5 months pregnant, allegedly......
Even though I'm more than halfway there (for twins), I cannot believe that I am pregnant. In my head I still don't know that I am pregnant, Ok, I know but I don't know know. So far I haven't experienced that "holy crap" moment....
Not when I was puking my guts out.
Not when I see my belly growing about an inch every second.
Not when I prick my fingers & follow a strict diet to deal with Gestational Diabetes.
Not when I pee a million times a day and night. Especially night.
Not when I feel them moving.
Not when I see them during the ultrasounds.
Not at all.
I'm just here, easy peasy growing two humans like nothing happened. And I do mean that. I feel like I'm one of the most graceful pregnant women out there, of course the fact that I don't "know I am" might have something to do with it, but I am pretty good considering....I think. Am I looking for a pat on the back for being a good girl? Not really, but I wouldn't mind it.... (Jeff). I'm just so blessed and thankful for these babies that I imagine if anyone asked me how I was doing while puking I'd be giving them the biggest (disgusting) smile of my life with two thumbs up. That being said, I'm not into puking anymore so don't be scared to ask.
I wonder, would I have been like this had I not struggled with infertility for so long? I probably don't want to know the answer.... I just need to get myself in gear and knock it into my head that I am expecting. And if you think its bad that I don't know I am pregnant don't even ask about the fact that they are: A- Twins and B- Boy and Girl. I mean, get outta here! There is no way, no way!!!
Of course none of that stops me from being scared. I haven't made one purchase for them yet, not one. Don't get me wrong I'm incredibly attached and in love but I guess I feel like it would be a jinx, I don't know. I can't exactly blame any of this on pregnancy brain or even my prolactin brain tumor, my brain is just plain twisted. I'm petrified of making a commitment of something I don't know even know is happening to me, God help me!