Still struggling...

I'm still feeling lost, down, and confused. Somewhere along the way I lost who I used to be. I want to be the best Shanny I can be, but I don't know how. She seems so distant, almost like a stranger.

I can't believe I've let my whole world spin around having a family. I can't even remember what I did before this decision came in the picture. That's pretty sad in my opinion. Yes, I had a life. A great life really, but I can't imagine that anything else seemed as important as creating life. This is where I am now and apparently I can't deal with my present. The TTC waiting sucks, the prolactinoma tumor sucks, the not knowing how long before I get pg sucks, the possibility of losing it again sucks, but struggling to hold on to faith sucks even more.

I miss my old self. I wish to be more obsessed with living my life instead of obsessing on creating a new one. Mostly I wish I could create a new life and teach it how to live.... but how to do that if I can't do it myself? I lost the balance somewhere...

Where is my dough yo?

The way I see it I should have some extra cash around…. Only I can’t find it :-/

I haven’t been able to TTC since January, so I haven’t spent any money on any kind of pee cups, ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor sticks, extra VIP services in Fertility Friend to endlessly stare at my chart & see if it shows any sign of anything, and yet I have no extra money. How is this possible?

This is where I would save:

Pee cups…………….... $1.00
CBEFM sticks………... $30.00 ish
Ovulations sticks…….... $10.00 ish for back up. A good obsession needs good backup.
Pregnancy test……….... $10.00 ish.
Fertility Friend VIP…. ....$10.00 for 30 days.
Preseed……………….. $15.00
Total…………………... $76.00.

Someone is ripping me off somewhere. I should have an extra $228 for February, March and April alone. And if I calculate what I didn’t spend on my first 3 years of marriage that we weren’t TTC’ing… I should have an extra $2,736 but I don’t….

I don’t know what anyone else thinks but I have my eyes on Jeff. He is my top suspect.... I think that dude owes me some money....hmmm....

Is The First time nerve-wracking?

I don't remember much, I barely experienced it once before and the thought of doing it again after such a long time is making me extremely nervous. I hope its not too painful, but mostly I'm afraid it will make me sick. I've heard the first time can really be something, but after you get used to it you'll want to do it over and over again.

The first time I did it, it was very quick. It was when Jeff and I went to the Bahamas years ago, it was only 6 hours long. Jeff enjoyed it but it made me very sick, that's probably because it wasn't a big one. This time its going to be huge and for way longer. I can hardly wait!

Our cruise, yes cruise, is going to be in June and will be 7 nights long. We are taking The Liberty Of The Seas from Royal Caribbean and we are leaving from Miami to go to Labadee, Jamaica, Grand Caymand Island, Bahamas and back to Miami. I get motion sickness very easily so I wonder if those sea bands really work. I tried Dramamine when I took the 6 hour cruise to Bahamas but it made me sleep most of the time, so of course I don't want that this time. I did hear that the bigger the ship the less sickness you experience, is this true?

I'm kind of a virgin so if you have any suggestions on how to make my cruise painless and even more fun, please share. Thanks :)

Oh My...

As you can see from my last post (thank you for your support by the way), I've been down. So I figured I should do something that would me feel better, and boy did I? My heart wants to pump its way onto life, I tell you that much.

I didn't do anything drastic. I went (Read: made Jeff take me) to see X-men Origins: Wolverine. The movie was great. The story line was great, and the men? not so much my type. But Hugh Jackman and Ryan Reynold's bodies have muscles everywhere apparently... There was a particular scene where Hugh Jackman's assets are completely bare, and let me tell you: Wow! The thoughts in my head.... Oh my, I'm blushing....

Update: Jeff wanted to make something very clear. His elbows are way more muscular than Hugh's and... I agree honey, you put thoughts in my head too with those elbows... lol

If Things Happen For A Reason...

I debated a long time on whether or not to blog about how I'm feeling. Today that I'm off and I'm home alone I've been driving myself crazy. This blog is after all for me to vent and its my biggest outlet. I didn't want to write about it because I have some people IRL that read this and I didn't want them worrying too much.

I am depressed. Very much so.

I wish I could stop crying when no one is around. I wish I could snap out of it. And I'm tired of trying so hard to be my normal bubbly self. But I just can't stand myself... and the worse part? I know I have no right to feel this way. I have an amazing husband, the best family and friends, and I'm blessed to have health (somewhat) and a home and a job, etc., etc., etc.

I can't get out of my head the saying that things happen for a reason. And it makes me afraid that it means my body is just telling me straight up "no." I have a benign tumor in my brain and no matter how I know its OK, it scares the shit out of me. The medicine makes me too tired and possibly its the culprit of my depression but if I stop taking it the tumor can grow rapidly and be worst. Even without that I obviously have fertility issues. When I get past that and get pregnant my body, my own body, repels it. So therefore I hate my body, not only because its turning on me but also because I turned on it too and I've gained more weight than I care to have. It should have been pregnancy lbs, but nope.

My biggest fear and what hurts the most is the thought in my head that if things happen for a reason maybe my body is telling me that I'm just not meant to be a mother... and how do I look at myself in the mirror knowing I'm staring at my own enemy?

What A Shanny Hater!

April could not be a bigger biotch to me if she tried harder.

At the beginning of last month I asked dear Ol' April not to fool me with the whole pregnancy thing. You know, like not getting knocked up when I tried or another miscarriage. But no worries, April did her own take on my request. She did not give me AF for the whole month. I can hear her laughing at me calling me a fool.

First, I have my 1st m/c last April. Then when she had the chance to make it up to me this year, cause she owes me a baby, she didn't even have the decensy of giving me my period so that I can try with my new BFF Clomid. Okay, so I have a confession. I had decided not to try because 1- I'm not emotionally ready yet and 2- I want to fully enjoy my vacation in June before giving it another shot. By that I mean I want to drink all I can, do strenuous activities all I want (like climbing a rock wall) and not worry about a thing. But that didn't mean I shouldn't get AF, did it?

But of course my retarded body couldn't even regulate itself. I mean why right? That would be too easy. This time I blame April though cause I know its not me at all. I just know April is out to get me. Now May on the other hand, she has my back. She gave me my dear period on just her 3rd day... Maybe my anniversary helped out a bit :)... But I finally got my 2nd AF since my m/c in January. I tell you: my body couldn't be stoopider if it tried. Or is it April? Hmm...

Taggydi Tagged Tag

The lovely Amber tagged me for this fun 8x8 game. Here goes:

8x8

8 Things I Am Looking Forward To:

1. Going on vacation in June.

2. Doing some remodeling on the house.

3. Becoming more fit and healthier, aka lose weight.

4. Summer.

5. Getting pregnant.

6. Throwing our first BBQ.

7. Jeff washing my car.

8. Getting rid of my stupid depression.

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Read.

2. Watch TV.

3. Ignored cleaning.

4. Worked out.

5. Daydream with Jeff about getting a Sunroom.

6. Went to a viewing.

7. Laughed a lot with my brother and my sister.
8. Spent some time with my mom.

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Go back to school.

2. Write a book

.3. Become a mom.

4. Win the lotto. Yes, I like the easy way out.

5. Get rid of my tumor so I can stop taking drugs that make me sick.

6. Really wish I could lose weight without having to work out.

7. See Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince NOW.

8. Be more appreciative of what I have and stop focusing on what I don’t… like a properly working body that can hold on to a baby.

8 Shows I Watch:

1. Heroes.

2. Lost.

3. How I Met Your Mother.

4. So You Think You Can Dance.

5. Private Practice.

6. Grey’s Anatomy.

7. Ugly Betty.

8. America Idol.

8 Favorite Fruits:

1. Banana.

2. Strawberry.

3. Mango.

4. Orange.

5. Watermelon.

6. Cantaloupe.

7. Apple.

8. Peach.

8 Places I'd Like to Travel:

1. London.
2. Spain.

3. Paris.

4. Greece.

5. Big Island, Hawaii. Already went to Maui & Honolulu.

6. India.

7. Punta Cana.

8. Jamaica.

8 People I'm Tagging:

1. Tammie.

2. Kristin.

3. Kate.

4. Lindsey.

5. Wifey.

6. Elizabeth.

7. Kate.

8. Crysbena.