Shannytude!

That's what I've been suffering from.

It could be because of Clomid. It could be because of the HCG hormone still lingering in my system. It could be from the progesterone supplements I'm taking. Or all of the above.

I personally vote for all of the above. Because my being b*tchy is totally not my fault. That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it. I get so irritated with everything. My work field involves customer service and I swear that all the people who come to me with a problem have been beaten with the "stupid stick." If I could smack them I probably would. Jeff asked me innocently how I wanted him to deal with my attitude when/if we are pregnant and that really got on my nerves. Should he ignore it or should he call me out on it? Um, what do you think Jeff? Really? Obviously he has to suck it up as if nothing weird is going on and love me forever, duh!

My hormones are all over the place and it most certainly is not my fault. So to all of you who have to deal with me I want you to know this: my attitude is your problem not mine. In a strange way it makes me feel kinda better so simply don't upset me (good luck!) And we'll be just fine. Okay? Okay! :)

I got shot

With my trigger injection, that is.

And I'm so happy, mainly because I can take a break from going to the RE at 6:30 every morning. I went from Tuesday to Sunday because my lining was still too thin. They checked my levels each time and at this point my veins are sore. Actually they are pi$$ed off at me, but they just had to suck it up didn't they? And let's not even talk about the dildo cam.

My follies went from 16mm to 24mm and from 12 1/2mm to 17mm by Sunday. So I have 2 eggies that have the potential of getting fertilized. Even though we selfishly hope they both do, we would be so blessed just to have one awesome baby. Cause our baby will be awesome, I can feel it deep down. (In my empty uterus somewhere)

So I got the shot yesterday morning and the baby dancing began, sorry for the TMI. This morning I got a "peak" on my fertility monitor and for whatever reason that made it feel more real that we truly have a chance this cycle. Did I need to test that? No, because I already know that the HCG shot is going to make me ovulate today or tomorrow. But this way I feel like I'm helping my eggie along. You know how mothers can be with their kids... Or in this case a wanna be mommy helping her eggie out... Or something to that effect. When it comes down to it, this just means that I am a pee-a-holic that couldn't help herself double checking if the Dr. Knows what he is doing. I do after all have a Masters in Google MD.

Maturity here? nah...

My eggies are not mature enough yet.
Neither am I. Nor Jeff.

I went in on Tuesday at day 10 in my cycle for monitoring. I was expecting the nurse to do my ultrasound again but to my surprise my Dr. came to do it instead. I realize that its better when the Dr. does it but its a little weird to have a young male Dr. be the one to use that dildo cam on you. My nerves would appreciate it better if he was older, frankly. Or if it was a woman. Either way its never comfortable having people all up in your "business."

Today I was prepared mentally to have to deal with my Dr. but thankfully I got the nurse. Tomorrow I go again. By next week, my body will have its own routine: get up at 5:20 am (Ok, 5:30... I snooze twice, its my law!), get my legs up and have someone check me out. It's been almost 2 years so when this is over I might not feel normal to keep my private parts.... well, private. I'll have to find some way to adjust I guess. And if I can't, at least I have the option of becoming a stripper.

My follicles went like this:
-Right ovary had one. It went from 11mm on Tuesday to 11mm today. And a bunch of smaller ones that stayed the same. So not impressive! Retarded, actually.
-Left ovary had 2. One went from 11mm on Tuesday to 12 1/2 mm today. A bunch of smaller ones stayed the same. BUT the other one went from 13mm to 16mm. Somewhere deep down I have a little level of maturity!

I have to wait for my follicles to mature to at least 18mm for it to be triggered to release my egg. Jeff and I were selfishly hoping that I had two mature eggs so that we can take the easy way out and have twins. Doesn't seem like that is going to happen but we are so proud or our "one 16mm follicle". Which is probably for the best considering we ourselves are not matured enough. Want prove? Well when I was telling Jeff the sizes of my follies, we automatically both said: "Maybe we'll have one big baby and one small one." Real mature of us! lol

It only takes 30 seconds...

But the power behind it is insane!

For five days I spent 23 hours, 59 minutes and 30 seconds each day concentrating on just one thing: Taking my Clomid pills.

The other 30 secs included opening the bottle carefully so I don't accidentally drop it. Cause who knows? It might affect the effects of it. I then take it out slowly and stare at it like one would stare at a miracle and then I drink up. It takes me the whole rest of the day to think of how exactly I will follow these steps. I'm now done taking them so I can relax a bit more. But of course now I can kick myself for not taking a good amount of crazy glue with my last pill. You know, to make sure it sticks.

Now I have to start monitoring my eggies developments and get my trigger shot to ovulate when they (Dr.'s office) say I should and hope and pray this all works. Because honestly? I don't appreciate having hot flashes and weird cramps for no reason. Not fun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a whole other note,

Jeff took me to watch Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince on its first showing at 12:01 am at a theater near us. I was off the next day but poor Jeff had to work. Tough luck, really.... but sacrifices had to be made.

I liked the movie a lot, I though it was really good, it made me laugh out loud, etc, etc..... but I'm a bit disappointed because I felt it was missing something. Though I've made peace with it because I'm sure they will do certain "parts" more justice in the upcoming movies. I found this to be the most different from the book than the other movies and their book's versions. It doesn't upset me, I thought the changes made sense and they captured the important parts. I would love to talk details but I don't want to spoil it for those who haven't seen it. I'll just say this: I hate how they portrayed Harry during the death. It was such a small detail that they really could have done it like the book. Ah well.

Copy and paste....

I'm recycling one of my very first posts.

It can't possibly be plagiarism if I'm the one who wrote it, can it? Either way I give myself permission to re-post this since it fits perfectly for my new beginning in the honor of Clomid =)

She Is A Red Haired Bitch and I Hate Her!*

(Posted originally 5/28/08)

Or maybe I love her since she finally came....

Who knows? We have a love/hate relationship, AF & I.
I can't say I blame her for having a grudge against me. I mean, for years I welcomed her with open arms. Month after month I waited patiently for her to show up. We had fun together, and I always did look forward to spending time with her. I honestly didn't know what I would have done if she didn't show...(freak out!)
But now she is pissed off at me, and I deserve it. After all the love I've had for her, I've been slowly pushing her away from me. I just need a break. A long break.... of exactly 9 months, is that too much to ask? Maybe I went the wrong way about it. I just started distancing myself from AF and never explained why. So here goes:

Dear AF,
We need to talk. It seems things are not working out anymore. Please don't cry, I assure you that its not you, its me. I still love you, but I need my space. I need a long break from our relationship. I feel like its always the same when you come and we need to find the spark back. I know you are thinking that there may be someone else..... you're kinda right. I'm hoping that there will be, but that wont be possible unless you go away for a while. I don't want to hurt you, I just want to be a mom. I promise that in your place a lovely baby will take good care of me. Having said that, once that baby is out I will need you by my side for your support. I know that I wont be able to go on without you. So as you can see, I'm not saying good bye, just see you later. No one can ever replace that love that we share. So I've taken the liberty and set up a long, long vacation for you... all expenses paid. Feel free to see other people, I understand that you must do what you have to do. But please AF come back to me in April, if my calculations are correct that's when I will be needing you again. I will miss you....

Take care,
Shanny

So there it is. A proper short term break up. I will go ahead and spend quality time with her right now and then.....See ya later! way later!

*"She is a red haired bitch and I hate her"- quote from Becky Bloomwood in the Shopaholic series. (Not directed at AF, but it fits nicely in my opinion)

Sup wid dah baby making?

I know you’ve been sitting at the edge of your seat wondering what’s up with Shanny's body, well I’ll tell you.

Sometime this week I expect AF. Should be Friday but considering it came quite a few days early the last time…well I dunno what it will do this time do I? It has a mind of its own, my AF. So when I get it, I will give my RE a call so that I can get my prescription for Clomid and the treatment begins…

I’m still scared of the possibilities of course but I know that if my heart is not broken again then it will be so filled of love, hope and dreams…. Let’s see what happens…

Jeff makes me cry!

I really don’t want to talk negative about him but sometimes you just have to let it out. You know? It’s not something that he does on purpose, I hope, but I’m very sensitive and he tends to do this to me fairly often. It’s always pretty much the same reason why I cry, but the worst part is that he doesn’t even feel guilty about it. What kind of husband does that? He did it to me just last night.

That insensitive little creature rented Grand Torino last night. I mean can you believe him? I cried so much at the end…. Just like I tend to do with all the other movies he gets for us to watch together. I thought it was a really good movie and I do recommend it, though I’m not sure if my eyes agree with me but still. You should see me when we are watching the end of Lord of the Rings and the hobbits are told: "You bow to no one" or something like that, I can hardly take it. Yes we watch it every so often, not as often as the Harry Potters mind you but it always gets me. And yes I also cry with the Harry Potter movies and books.

The sad thing is that it can even be a romantic drama/death free kind of movie but I might still drop a tear or two. And Jeff? He doesn’t laugh or anything but he doesn’t console me either, well not always. But I guess its OK since in a strange way I do feel better after bawling my eyes out. What can I say? I’m an over-sensitive girl!