Happy Thanksgiving =) ........ And special request...

I hope everyone has a wonderful time with their loved ones!


I'm not about to get into listing things I'm thankful for, cause otherwise I'll never finish. What can I say? Im lucky like that :)
I will tell you that I'm a bit disappointed that me, the turkey (by birth month right), am not being bastered this month. I just know that if I was able to have my IUI done this time, it would have soooo worked. After all... the stars are aligned perfectly, ah well. I suppose things happen for a reason. (Very frustrating reasons if you ask me)


On another note, I would like to ask ALL of you who know me in real life to please respect the privacy of this blog. Whether or not I myself gave you the website address or however you found me. This information is personal and private; yeah yeah I know its on the Internet but still.... if you are reading all of my awesome thoughts, then consider yourself privileged heehee. Just don't share what you've read, its not cool. And I would hate to lose my one place where I can let it all out. Can you imagine what I would do to poor Jeff? I mean, the guy is allright.... why make him suffer by upsetting his (wonderful) wife?


And also, no messages on Facebook in regards to my struggles please! Thanks, and welcome (officially)
Feel free to let me know you are on to me.... if you are not too scared of me volunteering you to be my first LAZIK patient =)

Lemme do your Lazik for you.... for FREE!

Today I witnessed my dad getting the lazik eye surgery. I actually saw the whole procedure, from beginning to end, and therefore:

I am now a pro.

I'm now qualified to perform miracles with my own hands. The only thing is that we'll have to sneak in at night to get it done. I obviously don't own the equipment necessary and I scoped the place out: no cameras! We'll be in and out in no time. And you won't even have to worry about the sun damaging your eyes right after you are done. How much better can it get?

Here is how it will be done:
You'll lay down on the bed thingy and I'll give you a bear to hold, like such:
(And if you have to strain your eyes to see the bear, you really need this surgery... call me!)

Then, I turn on the monitors. I'll have to look for the power buttons and figure things out as I go. But please don't worry, I know my way around a computer, I do have a blog, don't I?
The details were easy to see cause of the big TV... I actually felt like I was being watched...hmmm

So as you can see, there was no way I would have missed anything. Well, except for the part where they measured his eyes with the weird machine. I'm going to skip all that and just use a tape measurer and/or a ruler, its really the same difference. And I know you may be worried that I was standing outside of the room, however I promise you that I will be in the same room with you. I might close my eyes in certain parts though. Cause honestly? The part where they cut the thin film from around the eyeballs is pretty scary. I don't wanna see that again! After that's done, I'll scrape the eye nice and hard and then shoot blue lazer lights into it, and ta da! You are done!

That being said, I don't know that I'll actually have the nerves to do lazik myself after seeing it. But you and I are different people. If you are cheap and don't mind me screwing up your eyes, call fast!

Happy B-day to me =)

So far this birthday has been better than the last one.

Not necessarily because I'm blooming with any kind of fantastic news, but because this time I'm not doing any scary MRI that shows a tiny brain tumor. That's old news at this point, however I wonder if it qualifies as a happy 1 year to said tumor? I'm not sure, I just wonder what it says about me that I'm more scared of another MRI than the actual issue... Anyway, if I get a new growth each year that goes by I'm going to look extremely lumpy by the time I'm 40. A tumor, a Cyst, some fat here and there...oh gosh, I need a drink NOW.

On the good news....
I saw New Moon on Friday and I loved it. Can't wait for Eclipse!
And, I err, got a new phone.... I know I just got my Blackberry 2 months ago BUT it was Jeff. It was all Jeff. I actually feel too guilty to enjoy my brand new Droid (sorry Bren)...guess I'll just have to sacrifice myself, umm tomorrow. Right now I'm still staring at my blackberry with tons of love in my eyes. No joke.

But between you and me, it is an absolutely awesome phone!
I can blog so much faster now, if only I had a much more exciting life.....Ah well!

Here Is The Dirt...***updated***

Before I get down with it, I would like to thank all of you for your kind words. I know I was pretty much a downer but I suppose that was to be expected.

In the slight chance that I may have been perceived as over reacting, let me give you a bit of perspective: this month is a whole year of going to the fertility clinic, I started this whole journey since I was 26.... I'll be turning 29 on Sunday, its been a total of 25 cycles trying (but who is counting?) And now I officially qualify for IVF.

The Dr said that after having 3-4 clomid/IUI cycles, the chances of conceiving goes down. I do react nicely to Clomid, apart from my lining which takes a few extra days to thicken up, I ovulate strongly each time and I produce multiple follies. He recommended IVF but I have to take the injection classes and attend their info session on it before I can go for it.

Since my cycle already started I'll go for a 5th Clomid/IUI while I prepare for IVF, ummm, hopefully I won't need it. I guess I'm not giving up after all. Not surprising right? It was after all my sadness and anger doing the "talking" that day. But now my chin is up and I'm ready to conquer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
***Update***

I wrote the top portion when I was waiting for my day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound. Less than 2 hours later, things have changed.

Clomid finally caught up with me. I have cyst on my left ovary. I was told they would tell me if I can continue with Clomid depending on my blood results but I just decided against it. I don't want to do anything to hyper stimulate it further. I still cringe when I remember my ruptured cyst in January.

We may or may not try naturally this month. I still have Clomid in my system BUT usually its not advisable to try with a cyst. Dunno yet. Either way, In Vitro Fertilization is on for next month. Yikes!

Results are in...

Of course! I mean, why expect otherwise? This is after all the same story over and over again, right?

Is it time for clomid cycle 5? I don't know. I'm tired. I've wasted the past 2 years and change trying for something that may very well never happen. I honestly just feel like giving up. It's mentally and physically exhausting trying to fight destiny. At least, it feels like that's what I'm doing. Maybe its just not meant to be, end of story.

Hey, at least there is an upside!
I get to have a drink on my birthday next Sunday. Not sure if its to celebrate or to bury my sorrows, either way it works for me. Whatever.

I'm still here! I'm still here!

I've just been too busy doing.....umm, nothing?
Well,nothing more than obsessing, that is.

Am I, am I not? Am I, am I not? Am I, am I not? And so on, you get the picture.
I keep trying to tell myself not to think about it, but honestly, how is that even possible? I'm 11dpiui today and Sunday seems ages away. That's when I get to do my blood test. Again. Do I feel hopeful? Sure, but I always feel hopeful. Do I have signs? Sure, but I always have signs. I am after all on progesterone supplements so its to be expected.

Its too early to test at home. I know that. But it seems that every peeing moment is a missed opportunity to test. Why can't I bee one of the lucky girls who get their BFP at 9dpo? Noooo, I must suffer apparently. And now you can safely assume that I haven't missed all of my peeing opportunities. I tested this morning with no luck, ONLY because I figured that I wouldn't be too disappointed if it was a bfn (I was fine). It is after all very early. So for now the waiting continues.

Oh if you have any suggestions as to what to do to pass the rest of these days without pulling my hair out, I would appreciate it.

The BlogRollers Love to Roll.. And Today It's With Me!

Today I get to be the featured blogger over at The BlogRollers and I can't tell

you how honored I feel! They are all about raising awareness of female bloggers and they do an amazing job at it. I want to thank them not only for featuring me,

but also for taking such initiative and being inspirational! Thanks ladies =)

Run over and check them out

to read about me

AND

don't forget to sign their BlogRoll, who knows? You might be next!

Back in the Saddle!

I was recently given this award by Kristin who much like myself has a constant fight with Infertility. She is a great inspiration to keep going.. no matter how many times life kicks you down... perseverance my friend, that's what we have!

The Back in the Saddle Award

Background: This award is given to bloggers that are "Back in the Saddle" of life. This may be someone who is undergoing medical treatments, restarting his/her life, resurfacing after a tragedy, or someone who is just trying to sport a new attitude. Recipients have an attitude of a fighter, strive to be a winner of the battle, and show determination.

Rules: Post the award's graphic, background, and rules on your blog. Explain how you are "Back in the Saddle" again, and then pass the award on to at least four other bloggers who are "Back in the Saddle" just like you. Make sure you let them know that they have been given this award, and ask them to pass it on.

And my nominees are:

1- Amber- who just made the very difficult decision to try life on her own after her family just moved out of state. I'm glad you made the right decision for you =)
2- Bluebird- who after sadly losing her twins is pregnant again and is struggling with the pain and the happyness all at the same time.
3- TTC Chick- who recently experienced a loss after a long time of TTC and is up and ready to try again. Good luck my dear!
4- And to all of you who are fighters no matter what life throws at you!