I don't wanna be a bad mom.... here is the FULL ultrasound pic

2 sacs= TWINS!

The guilt is killing me!

Not because I didn't tell you guys or my family

but because I feel I'm being a bad mother already.

I don't want one baby to feel I'm favoring the other baby more.

And the secret stops me from writing what I'm really feeling.

Besides how am I supposed to record the heartbeats and growths

for my own notes on my blog if I'm keeping it a secret?

I figured I would eventually say something like

"well you saw my one baby, now here is my other baby"

but I've been avoiding my own blog because I see just one

sac knowing there is another sac and that certainly

made me feel like a horrible mother.

I'm sorry babies, I love you both!

And to those who called to ask and I said its one baby,

why would you ask if you knew I wouldn't say?

You made me feel worse, even if I brought it upon myself lol

I thought I would be able to keep it in no problem. Didn't happen.

I know I said I couldn't trust Jeff's big mouth because

of his excitement but I didn't know that I would be

 feeling guilty so I'm the one spilling it.

Though you can imagine Jeff's smile

when I told him I was going to share the news. He wanted bagels,

so I'm sure the bagel guy knows by now.

And yes, his laugh attack started as soon as we saw

the 2 sacs which was immediately after

the dildo cam made his grand entrance, luckily Jeff

is fine now.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT SHARE ANYTHING 

you read here

with anyone who knows me. In real life or Facebook or wherever.

Thank you!

The ultrasound pic is to your right if you hadn't noticed it before~~~>

Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star....

Now I know just where you are...

I'n mah womb yo, in dah womb!

I saw you! You are so cute!

Adorable like your mommy =)

(Ok, and daddy too)

And now I'm done talking to my child.

Thanks for allowing me a moment to do so.

My date with the dildo cam went well. I didn't get roses or anything

but it was so good that I didn't care about his less romantic nature.

At 5 weeks 5 days we saw exactly

what was expected:

A baseball field in outer space...

With a twinkling star in the middle!

Ok, I don't know that it was twinkling because it was so dark,

but I'm the mother and I say so, therefore its true.

We saw the sac. It was in my uterus!

This is very exciting compared to my last pregnancy

where it seemed to have liked my tube better. Woohoo for that alone!

No heartbeat yet. I didn't expect it because its so early, but yay anyway.

The sac measured between 8mm and 8.12mm,

the doctor had to measure it twice and was

happy that it was right on track =)

We could see the beginning of the fetal pole (fetus) and I can't wait

to see it more developed at next week's appointment.

Hopefully we also hear the heartbeat.

Oh, and big mouth Jeff?
He had a laughing attack during the whole ultrasound,
you would have thought we were having twins or something,
I think the reality hit him that we were really on our way to
becoming parents this time.
I sure hope so.

Lovey Dovey Jeffrey

He is a sweetie pie that Jeffrey of mine. I don't normally call him Jeffrey by the way but it rhymed with 'Lovey Dovey' so I had to do it!

 

He is very VERY excited. And he has a very BIG mouth. I don't trust him not to say anything to anyone. I think all of his coworkers know about IVF, that we are pregnant and that we have an appointment on Thursday to see how many are brewing. I told him he wasn't allowed to tell anyone the answer to that because we need that to be our thing until we know everything is fine. But if he can spill his guts that his wife is pregnant to the clerk at a local bagel store just because he was asked "what's going on?" I know I can't trust him. I'm thinking of sneaking out to the clinic and not tell him anything. And just because it would be mean I won't do it, but I want to.

 

I wouldn't have forgiven him if he wasn't the only other person who has the right to say anything. The problem with him is that he didn't ask me, the primary person, first. Any smart man that loves his life would have asked first, lucky for him I'm not in a murderous mood... yet....just don't do it again sweetheart. In the mean time that I'm allowing you to live, I want to thank you for:

1. Hugging me and cuddling a lot lately. Even if its because I'm carrying your big headed child.
2. Not being a jealous jerk about my relationship with the dildo cam.
3. Always, always holding my hand in the car. I love it.
4. Spoiling me. Pregnant or not.
5. Surviving my love. I'm sorry I'm such a clumsy person around you but you bring out the stupid in me. I really don't mean to step on your feet or smack you in the face or poke your eyes when going to hug you, or whatever else I do. They are innocent tokens of love, I swear!
6. Most especially I want to thank you for keeping your mouth shut from now on or I WILL mean it the next time I hurt you, just saying....  I love you <3

I'm Being Psychologically Abused!

By ME.

I keep having twisted thoughts, which is nothing new really, but right now they are pretty disturbing. I keep wondering what I will do if I have another miscarriage. Lets be honest here, it might just happen again because that's what I know to do when I'm pregnant. Jeff, God bless him is forever the hopeful, but me?

I'm psyching myself out!

And it is the stupidest thing really since I'm NOT losing this baby (I hope). I'm all anxious because I don't know what's going on in there. I know the development stage but I don't know if its happening to me, do I? I don't feel pregnant. I don't know that I'm pregnant. Ok, I know I am but I don't know KNOW. It isn't real yet. I can keep saying I'm pregnant but it doesn't mean anything to me. NOTHING. I'm excited, I am. Yet I'm waiting for the spotting to begin, I don't want it to happen obviously but its all I know. I hate that infertility and a killing uterus has taken away all my innocent joy. It is so unfair to this baby, so unfair.

By the way, if I do lose this baby someone will need to lock me up in a mental institution, thanks much.

Beta Awesomeness!!!

Before I begin I would like to thank Jeff for being the best guest blogger ever! No matter that you've been my only guest blogger, you are still the best =)

And now for the update that had us waiting on our toes:

11dp5dt or 16dpo: 728!!!

It more than trippled in 72 hours. We were expecting it to be in the range of 440 to 500 but we really outdid ourselves, didn't we? 728 is absolutely fantastically HIGH!..... for a singleton that is... holy crap! No more betas for now until my ultrasound. I will soon be reunited with my beloved dildo cam, a little late for Valentine Day but you know what they say: better late than never. That will be on the 25th, I cannot wait to see what kind of gift he has for me!

Though if it is twins I might not tell anyone for various reason, at least until its safer.... if I can hold it in of course :)

***UPDATED***

Here is a chart that shows low, average and high beta levels in singleton pregnancies... I'm way above it! (Couldn't add it from phone earlier)

Guest Blogger - JeffSaidSo

Hey Ladies,

Due to some recent begging on your part, Shanny asked if I would be a guest blogger on I did, I do, I will. I thought about it, I hesitated but after meditating and fears of "Because She Said So!" (see top), I decided to kick laziness to the curb and JUST DO IT! Plus I have a humongous heart, if you know what I mean! (wink)

Some wanted to know my point of view as a "MAN" regarding our infertility struggles. Some wondered if Shanny is as strong and brave as she may appear to be on your computer monitors. Well, I want to let each and every one of you know that your wait is now over!!! Just prepare a cup of hot cocoa, put on your Snuggie, and ask yourself this question: Can you handle the truth???

Before I get into my manly POV of infertility, I need you to understand how I feel about the woman you follow. She is totally awesome! (Shanny, stop forcing me to type this! Go back to the bedroom!!!) OK, now that she's gone, let me continue....ahem....This girl changed my life!!!! Before I met her I was:

a) a lost soul, and

b) a willing man whore...

Ohhhhh boy, going out all the time, dating random beautiful women, having all the freedom in the world! (((head down, shaking head sideways))) What a sad, sad, awesome, sad, depressing, amazing, sorry, sad, lonely life that was!!! She saved me from a life of pain and probable multiple venereal disease checkups. Thank you Chichimama! :)

In all seriousness though, meeting Shanny was the best thing to ever happen to me. If you ever met Shanny in the actual 3D living world, you would fall in love with her instantly too! She has such a sweet nature, genuinely cares about people, and, has all the attributes I find sexy in a woman. She is beautiful, unique, clever (master of manipulation!), funny, sarcastic, compassionate, and has that killer smile that absolutely disables me!

You know she's funny, but what might surprise you is that she is actually VERY shy in public and is often quiet, especially if she doesn't know you well. It's in THIS blog where she is most comfortable and ridiculously hysterical! She's a writer at heart and I'm so glad you found her :) You enjoying her blog gives her the confidence that she needs to continue expressing her creativity. Mark my words, she will write an unbelievable fiction novel one day - you heard it here first! She is also a drama queen but somehow simple and easy-going at the same time - weird! Sorry honey, drama "princess" - she'll like that better....

How I deal with Male Infertility

Being the Mucho Macho Muchacho that I am, I refused to believe that these doctor's tests were correct, and disappointed that Shanny incorrectly shared with you the diagnosis of "low sperm count" or explaining that I had a "high concentration of white blood cells causing oxidation of the sperm cells, which limit the chances of sperm burrowing through the egg".

I talked to my balls, and we decided this was pure rubbish!  So I secretly saw another doctor, Doctor Quack, who was willing to tell me the truth that I wanted to hear:

"Mr. Jeff, we finally found out the problem with your sperm. It's is irreversible unless you eat less meat and have more salad. As per your request last week we broke into your home in the middle of the night and we secretly placed a microscopic camera inside your wife's uterus. Nurse Johnson, please press Play now so we can show this powerful man what is the real problem. Now, look closely and watch as your army of sperm meet her egg.....BOOMMMMM!!!!! MAJOR EXPLOSION!!! The problem Mr. Jeff is that your sperm is sooooooo powerful, it destroys the egg on contact!"

Even after I drew a dramatization of the video I saw in the doctor's office in crayon for her (I lost the only copy of the video, my friend's dog accidentally ate it), she didn't believe it was true, and started babbling about the importance of getting a diagnosis from someone who is "accredited". Absolutely ridiculous!!!

That's how I dealt with it, by not dealing with it. Just like any "real" problem in my life :)

In reality, there wasn't much for me to do, other than take antibiotics, daily vitamins, wear free flowing underwear and avoid heated leather seats in cars. Man, I would get so jealous when Shanny would press her side's button for the Heated Seats...GRRRR!!!!

Dealing with IUI was quite an experience....I know Shanny made a funny turkey baster reference once, but I almost would have liked to try that ourselves at home. I don't know, I always felt weird handing my precious plastic cup over to the dude at the fertility clinic. I know this guy is a professional, but I felt strange passing it to another dude to wash my boys. He probably goes home and cries himself to sleep...I know I would!

Life is not fair but it is great!

Through the losses and heartache we've experienced, we still have eachother - my love for her only grows as the years go by. Is Shanny as strong in real life as she seems on this blog? Sometimes yes, sometimes no....but I always end up admiring her determination and will to succeed. She's competitive and she won't let infertility beat us!

She has said to me on occasion that she can't stand my sadness with the losses especially because she knows how great a dad I will be. And while I do want children, I only want children with a certain sexy spanish and west indian girl I know :) If we would never be able to have kids, my life would not be empty...I'm lucky enough to be married to my best friend!

That being said...I am so GRATEFUL and EXCITED that we have a BFP to celebrate again. I have faith that this time is going to be different, this is the one that sticks! It's time for me to finally learn how to change a diaper!

Thanks again for taking an interest in our journey...I appreciate all the love and support you show Mr. and Mrs. SaidSo...HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO ALL THE LADIES IN THE HIZZY, and make sure (unless under doctor's orders) that TONIGHT YOU GET BIZZAY (if you know what I mean) !!!  Sorry, that was corny...

P.S. Brew Baby(ies?) Brew!!! :)

All my precious love,

Jeff

13dpo Beta is in: 176!!! I'm with child =)

I'm going to start by asking everyone who knows me to please keep this to themselves. I don't want others to know until I'm ready to share the news myself. IF and only IF there is any news to share. My body has a history of rejecting pregnancies and I'm at risk of exactly that happening again. I do not want pity if it does end, I hope you understand and I thank you for keeping my secret.

But for now?

I'm exactly like Will Ferrell:

Like this:

6dp5dt or 11dpo

And this:

7dp5dt or 12dpo

(Early for a digital right?)

My pee did that! My pee!!!! I've never been so proud of that which we call "waste"

And if you think that was the first test I took you are wrong. I've known since Monday at 4dp5dt or 9

dpo (4 days post 5 day transfer or 9 days post ovulation ) but decided to enjoy with Jeff alone. That and I wanted to be sure, you can never be too sure. I know the HCG (pregnancy hormone) was already out of my system because I've been testing pretty much since transfer to see when it left my body, it went like this:

(For those who need this info for their

personal research)

1dp5dt or 6dpo= light positive (HCG Trigger)

2dp5dt or 7dpo= negative (HCG has left the building body)

3dp5dt or 8dpo= negative? maybe a tiny line.

4dp5dt or 9dpo = Big Fat Positive!

And it got darker and darker and darker...

I'm writing this on Thursday evening knowing that tomorrow's blood test will give me a Beta (HCG) number and I will be told by my doctor's office that I'm pregnant. I know they tested it on Wednesday as well (though I was not to expect any calls) and I hope I get both numbers to see if they are doubling or not. Since I can't edit this from my phone, I'm going to post the beta results in my title as soon as I get the call and then publish it. Which obviously already happened for you since you are reading this. Like magic! Sort of...

Jen and Mom,

I'm sorry I didn't tell you but its already enough to have to deal with possibly disappointing Jeff and myself. If I add you to the mix and tell you I tested positive to then have to take it back, well that's just more painful. Besides you know me, if you want to know what's going on just read the darn blog! :D

Time for some Awards!

During the time that I've been busy creating my lab-made-babies I've been presented with two wonderful awards. The first one was presented by the lovely Ashley.  I want to thank her and let her know the feeling is mutual =)

The Blogger BFF Award

The Rules:

1- Thank and link the person that sent it to you.

2- Present this award to at least 5 people and explain why you chose them for this award.

3- Copy and paste the award on your blog

The 5 bloggers I nominate for this award are:

1- Ams

2- Kristin

3- Jessica

4- Tiffany

5- Kate

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The second award was also presented to me by  Ashley along with Tiffany, Littlest True Blue, Carolyne, Jane, Rachel, A, and Jlynn. Thank you girls, I'm now blushing =)

The Beautiful Blogger Award

The Rules:

1- Thank the person who nominated you for this award

2- Copy the award and place it on your blog

3- Link to the person who nominated you to this award

4- Tell us 7 interesting things about yourself

5- Nominate 7 bloggers

6- Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate

Here are the 7 interesting things about myself:

1- I'm not interesting

2- I always have to eat with a "shorter" utensil than Jeff's because he is tall and I'm short, its the nature of things.

3- I'm really not interesting.

4- If I'm a passenger in a car and I'm in the back seat I *must* sit on the right side.

5- Ok, maybe I'm a little interesting.

6- If I have no nail polish on, my fingers start to hurt. I swear they do.

7- My head doesn't work right. And I'm done!

Now I'm going to be a party pooper and not nominate 7 bloggers. BUT its because all of my nominees already have it and were kind enough to pass it on to me. Thanks again girls!

I want my "Moments"

My bed rest is over and now its time to get back to work. Boo! I guess its a good thing though. If I'm left to my own thoughts I might just torture myself and who wants that? Not me. My mind keeps spinning with the same thoughts:

I want my moments.
I want my moment in which I'm finally pregnant.
I want my moment in which it doesn't end.
I want my moment in which I experience everything a mother should from beginning to end.
I want my moment in which I want to kick Jeff in the face for putting me through birth pain, though I'm almost sure I wont do it. Almost.
I want my moment in which we both look at our baby with tears in our eyes and just know that everything we've gone through has been worth it.

I need to have my first moment by next week because if I don't get it, all I I know is this:
I WILL SHATTER INTO PIECES.....
I just can't take anymore. I refuse to. This has to be MY moment. It has to.

I'm impregnated!

Maybe.....

Will it work out? I can only pray. I have to pray for it/them to implant and give me a darn BFP. Then I'll have to pray it sticks. This is nerve wracking!

Wanna know how it went down? Ok, I'll tell you!
I was a good girl and drank a lot of water before we arrived at the clinic for the transfer. I had a serious case of the trembling. It might have been the cold water, the cold weather or just pure nerves. I think I was just cold, Jeff thinks I was nervous. And he may be right, when I had finally stopped trembling we heard one of the doctors telling the couple next to us that their embryos were not looking good. They were poor and not dividing properly, I was listening as they were told that their chances were low but to pray because it's now in God's hands. At day 3 they only had 2 at 4 cells and 1 at 7 cells. My heart broke for her and I cried for them, they had several attempts already and had barely any hope for this try. I started trembling again, hands, legs, teeth chattering and didn't stop until my transfer was done.

I had no idea what I was going to be told about our embryos and felt like a horrible person wishing I didn't have the same fate as them. I didn't see their faces, I didn't meet them, but I'm praying really hard that they get a break and have a miracle.

My blastocysts on the other hand were fine. Better than fine. We lost one, but have 5 fighters. 3 were grade AA (perfect) and 2 were grade BB (very good). We have been blessed even making it this far, especially considering we only had 6 mature eggs to begin with. The doctor advised that we only transfer one because we have the other four and would be able to do a Frozen Embryo Transfer if this one didn't work out. We decided to go for two. We just want to have the best chance because even with all this, nothing is guaranteed. I just don't feel strong enough to do it again, these treatments are too overwhelming for me. And even if it doesn't work out, I'll know I gave myself the best chance. All I know is that we just need one and if we happen to get 2 we'll just have to celebrate twice. My other 3 embabies are now frozen, and I can't help but wonder if I'll ever meet them.

February marks our 2 years and 6 months of trying to become parents. Hopefully one or both of these two can put an end to that ongoing count:

Left: Grade AA, Right: Grade BB.

Don't they look like us? The left one takes after mommy and the right one after daddy. His head is bigger, that's why =) Now we wait.......

Mama is proud!

My little ones are doing great so far. I almost feel like getting a bumper sticker that says "My lab-made-babies rock!" But it would be weird so I wont.

4 out of the six are perfect 8 cell embryos, and the other 2 are following closely behind. They are doing really really great so far. I didn't ask how many cells the other 2 were because I was busy holding my breath. They could have told me I lost some and I was still freaked out when she told me about the perfect 4. Phewww!

And since they are growing nicely they bumped me to a 5 day transfer. They want to see them at the blastocyst stage to chose the healthiest one to put back into my (hopefully) cozy womb.