Fool me not...

Tomorrow is April Fools Day, a.k.a April 1st, a.k.a. the month we get to try again.

Oh My.

Can I tell you how excited I am that we get to try to have a baby again? With the help of fertility drugs? And a lot of fear? Oh. My. God. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm too scared to try but I'm more scared of letting the fear stop me from trying. Fear will not rule me! I can and will kick it in the butt!

Right now I'm waiting to Ovulate and even if I don't need to track it right now, I am. Old habits die hard. Hey! Its been 1 year and 7 months of the same O tracking crap, I can't just stop on will you know. Why am I doing it? Well because 2 weeks later I'll get my dear period and for the first time in months I can't wait! I'm going to immediately start on Clomid and start the monitoring of my beautiful and back-stabbing ovaries (I'm not forgiving them so easily). Then I'll be triggered to ovulate so that I can "hang out" with Jeff and wait..... again...

Two weeks later I'll be praying that we are pregnant..... Third time should be the charm! So I'm hoping that even though April have let me down in the past (first miscarriage was April 11th, 2008), it makes up for it this year and don't fool me again....

So my Dear April, no pressure but you owe me a baby big time!

In Your Face Jeff!!!!

LOL

Thank you everyone for your support in teaching Jeff a lesson....

Thou shall not steal your wife's thunder! (or dare her)

I do love you though =)

Comment away...

Comments make the blogging world go round, go round, go round…

Now all my dear bloggers out there, you know its true… we love comments. I know we write basically for ourselves and to keep a journal because honestly this blog thing is pretty handy dandy. Its also a way to reach out to those who are going through similar experiences and for them to know they are not alone, ect, ect.

I love reading other blogs because I love reading period. The great thing is that these journeys I’m reading are real and I can truly feel happy or sad with my Internet friends. And most importantly, being able to share with you guys instead of people in real life keeps me sane. They just don’t get it. How funny is it that we don’t think twice to share our secrets with the Internet world but the minute people we know find out our secrets all hell breaks loose? Strange behavior I tell ya….

So what brought this post on?

Well, I’m bothered by something. How is it that I’ve been blogging for almost a year and the most comments I’ve ever received was when Jeff blogged? WTF? 25 comments for Jeff but not for me? In all fairness he was blogging about my health (Jeff's post) but still. That adorable creature has to be better at everything…. I love you honey but it’s a bit mean of you, no? And since he nonchalantly shoved that in my face a while ago saying I might never beat him, and it stuck to me, I decided to beg for comments. Would you help me kick his comment's butt? lol

It's just not fair to post on someone else's blog and steal their thunder.... Is it?

So Messed Up!

Why should a person have to pay $626.06 to lose the baby they wanted so badly?

The hospital sent me a bill for the "visit" I made to them in January. Its due next week. Funny how they are gonna get what's due to them but I wont. I'm not mad at them, I did stay a while and used up their morphine as much as I could. The thing is why won't my insurance cover everything? Okay, so I know our plan & they did pay over $6,000 but isn't it irresponsible of them to send me this kind of bill? I think so. For all they know I'll get all depressed and turn into some kind of psycho on Jeff. Honestly I think its very selfish of them to not care about poor Jeff and my "unhealthy" state of mind. Bastards!

... Noticed how my bill have three 6's in it? It's a work from the devil!.... And if you wonder what the # 2 is, then I'll tell you. It stands for 2 miscarriages. Leave me long enough staring at a punchintheface bill and I'll come up with meanings behind it.... Maybe Jeff should be scared. I may after all have Post-Miscarriage Depression... not that certain institutions would care...

Picture Tag!

I was chosen out of millions and millions of blogs to do this fun Pic Tag by a very sweet friend. Thanks Amber!. And even though she doesn't know all of those millions of bloggers I still feel special!

Here are the rules:

1. Find your sixth picture folder and in that folder, the sixth picture.

2. Post it on your blog with some of the background of the picture.

3. Tag four others and leave a comment on their blog to let them know they’ve been tagged.

This picture was taken at my baby niece's, Zamari, 1st Birthday party last July. That's me with my brother's best friend from Venezuela, Trino. He came to celebrate my brother's lil princess's birthday with us. He actually recently got married so congratulations are in order. Good luck dude!

Now I tag Kristin, Tammie, Crysbena, and Andrea!

Dah House!

This is a filler post.

I didn't have anything I wanted to write about but I had the urge to post. So I decided to show some pics of the house.... long overdue! I was supposed to do this waaay back when but I'm glad I didn't cause now I have something to say even when I don't have something to say. So there.

We haven't finished renovating yet thanks to these economic times, our busy schedule, and most importantly: our laziness ::bowing head in shame::

The previous owners apparently loved money A LOT, but I don't think they had enough so they painted the WHOLE house in green to compensate. That's what I think anyway cause there really is no need for that much green in any house. The only non-green room was the bathroom. I mean *was* literally.

So here is Dah House...

With trees (and our realtor)

Without trees (and no realtor)

Our backyard

Right angle....

Left angle....

Kitchen

Its a Galley Kitchen... though when we first got it there was only one side to it. We want to remodel the whole kitchen but we have to wait a few years for that. For now we did some easy inexpensive fixes that I can live with..... Here is the before:

Left side.............. Right side

The In-Between period

The After:

I have to paint the brown cabinets white so that it matches but I haven't. That's where that laziness kicked in. I left the curtain on the door cause I have to go buy a new one, I like my privacy so its staying there until I get a replacement. I changed the floor tiles because the old ones were in terrible condition, and the black makes the kitchen look bigger against the white. And see the whole new addition of cabinets? Those are made specifically for garage storage. But we needed something inexpensive and they did the trick.

Please check back in a year or two to see our completely remodeled kitchen. Everything you see right now will be gone. I cannot wait!

The Dining Room

It was used as a fourth bedroom. They liked having kids... didn't have anything to do at night... whatever their reasons for making it a bedroom was not working for us so we broke that wall down.

With the wall up.................... Destruction phase

The After:

We made a passover to the kitchen and let me tell you: It is handy, love it!

Let me clear up that the wall is not plain beige... even if it looks it. I spent 3 days and a lot of sweat to create a Linen look. It has a chocolate colored base and light glaze. Close up it looks like wall paper thanks to the intricate lines I made on it. Pictures unfortunately don't capture the beauty of my hard work =(

The Living Room

This is the only before we have, its from when we first saw the house. (Those are not our furnitures!)

The In-Between

My niece Anali having fun with the primer while Jeff and I blatantly advertise for KFC...

The After:

And if you were wondering what it looked like from in between the dining room passover, here it is. Why were you wondering that? I dunno but I saved you all that wonder.

The second bedroom, a.k.a. the guest room, a.k.a. future nursery...slash Gym

That is not what the room usually looks like....

The bed is an air-bed and is not usually filled with air. We actually have the elliptical and treadmill chillin' side by side. And our weights are usually on the floor hanging out like its nobody's business. Once we finish up the basement the gym will be moved there.


The Third bedroom, a.k.a The Office:

This is my library section cause I'm not illiterate, despite what you may think. And I think I have about 3 more boxes filled with books in the basement. Oh boy.

And this is where Jeff and I lead our Internet lives side by side:

We also have a third laptop in the living room so we can watch TV and lead said life. Whoever gets to the office first gets the main computer, that's where I am now. In your face Jeff!

The Bathroom

It was absolutely disgusting. There was mold everywhere so we had to gut it out and start fresh. I Love it!

Before........................................ During Renovation

After:

Since its difficult to see the details, here are the separate elements:

So what did we do to the only room with no green? We green-ed it up! Silly us =)

Future plans include finishing the basement so that we can move down our Gym and turn it into a play/entertainment room. We are still deciding how to permanently decorate since those are our old furniture pieces and we will also be adding on a sun room in the back of the house. We just have to wait for the right financial time and to kick laziness in the butt.

I Lost My Innocence

I’m having one of those sad days. I just found out two co-workers are pregnant. I'm not sad because they are pregnant, I'm just down because I realized that I'll never have that fear-free happiness that they do. They are both in early weeks, one was an oops and the other was perfectly wanted. She said "Oh, I want a baby" and the next thing you know she is pregnant….. so nice…. I guess…

That nice innocent surprise they had of: "Oh, shit I’m pregnant!"… I will never have again. Ever.

Even if I try month after month, track ovulation, do the deed at the right times, use anything I can to help me get knocked up I wont believe that its real. And worse? I am so sure I will lose it again. First I have problems getting pregnant and second my body fails to keep it going when I do.

I’m surrounded by quite a few women IRL who have had m/c’s as well, and a lot on the Internet. So I pray for these two girls that they don’t have to go through the heartbreaks we have. Unfortunately it can happen at any point during the pregnancy up until birth. It is so devastating and my heart goes out to those who had to live through such experience. Yes, I am consumed by jealousy but I pray that these girls will have their babies, I really do.

I remember that at one point I was so sure I would get pregnant easily. Actually I thought that by now I would be expecting my second…. Sike! All of this makes me so afraid to even try again, which if I’m ready emotionally we will in April (With the help of Clomid). I feel like I’m somehow destined to not have a baby, and mostly I feel this way because its my own body that is betraying me. The first time I got a BFP I felt on top of the world and was so excited about it, the second time was the opposite. I was so scared and we tried not to get too attached (not much luck there) and for good reasons because it ended as soon as it started. When and if I get pregnant again I’m sure I’ll be petrified. Until I get home from the hospital with that kid I will be scared of something happening. Don't get me wrong I have faith but right now the fear is overshadowing it. I just can't see past the pool of blood that have shattered my dreams twice.

No more innocence and genuine happiness for me, and many others. We lost it and to find it again would be a miracle.

Sisterhood Award!!!

Thank you very much to Kristin and Kate for this award. I'm honored and I proudly accept it!!!

The rules for accepting the award are as follows:

* Put the logo on your blog or post.

* Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.

* Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.

* Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.

* Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

The women I would like to nominate along with Kristin and Kate are beautiful human beings and they all deserve this award. We are all sisters in this crazy thing we call life. I love following your journeys and each of you are an inspiration to me. Keep up the sisterhood!

... And the Sisterhood Award goes to:

1- Andrea

2- Amber

3- Elizabeth

4- Tammie

5- Wanderluster

6- Crysbena

7- Lindsey

8- Shannon

9- Meg

10- Shannon