Dear Migraine

Dear mean Migrane
It's time for you to migrate.
You are not at all great,
I can't stand your ugly face.

You come unannounced
And you make my head pounce.
Of me, you don't own an ounce
So go ahead and just bounce.

You take my eyesight away,
When I walk all I do is sway.
I lay in the dark awake
Wishing you didn't ache.

You are very selfish Migraine
To impose such bad pain.
The disappointing thing?
You come from my own brain =(


I'm feeling kind of better now though... But in case you didn't get the message: I hate migraines! Bwaah, sniff sniff, bwahh...

Its Stooopid!

My body is so stooopid it should be ashamed of itself.

Honestly though, it needs to get with the program and learn how to operate properly. It's kind of embarrassing to women kind, no? I think so.

Which body in its right mind don't want to do what its meant to do? Mine. Ya think that if it won't let me get pregnant or keep a baby at the very least it would allow me to get my period. It is the total opposite of what I want so why not give it to me? why? Either my tumor is messing with me again or well my answer is in the title: because my body is stooopid.

When I said I wasn't sure if I was giving Clomid a shot in April I didn't mean for my period not to come in April. Maybe in its own retarded way my body thought it was doing what I asked. Well no. I want to get on with the flow, no pun intended. Or is it that its smart and its helping me make a decision to try for my baby? Cause God knows, if I skip this cycle I might have to wait until August for my next shot at a baby. Gosh!

The beginning of my first end...

Thursday April 10th, 2008

I started spotting a little bit. I called my OB/GYN to see if I should worry. I was asked to come in so they can check me out. It was brown spotting and I was told that it seemed OK because that means it's old blood, probably left over from implantation. They took my blood for testing and I had an ultrasound. We saw the sac, just the sac. I was 6 weeks 3 days pregnant.... there should have been a fetal pole... instead there was only an empty sac. Considering I ovulate so darn late in my cycles it might have been normal but the Dr. seemed concerned. Jeff and I were still hopeful.

Friday April 11th, 2008

I went to work with all my nerves on edge. I started cramping and of course that led to freaking out. Around 2:00 PM I got a call from the Dr.'s office. I was told that the pregnancy didn't seem viable and that I should expect to miscarry over the weekend. An hour later I was in the bathroom saying good bye to my baby.

Today

My heart still cries for that baby. My heart now cries for 2 babies. Today I don't feel like I'm strong enough to try when my new cycle starts. It might make me a coward but I'm OK with that.

I was feeling excited about April because my body got more than enough time to heal. But my heart? I'm not so sure. Maybe its because today is such a bad anniversary and it makes me sad and afraid. We will see what I decide to do. For now I just want to focus on our blessings and wish everyone a Happy Easter!

Fighting Is Wack Yo!

That’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it. This does not mean that I don’t do my share of fighting. :::bowing head in shame::

People fight, argue, have disagreements, and all that ugly stuff but its reality. I’m not talking about physical fights because that’s definitely not my thing. People get upset. Its human nature, but its how you handle the anger that makes a difference.

I used to retain my anger and hold a grudge. I don’t forget things and I had the bad habit of bringing the past up. Some are valid but most are silly things. Now I think that when you look at the big picture most are stupid. Jeff and I had a rough patch a few years ago. I’m not getting into details because its in the past. We have very similar personality except for one area at that time, but thankfully that has been fixed. Unfortunately I couldn’t let go and he was in turn angry at me for being angry at him. Vicious negative circle. (We've since learned to compromise)

Then something clicked. Not sure what it was or how but I happened and I’m so happy that it did. It’s so simple that I feel stupid.

I remember being frustrated with something, I gave up and said to myself: "it is what it is". That little term made me truly think and I realized that I cannot change the past but I can decide how to deal with present problems for a better future. Life is just too short to focus on the little things. People make mistakes and the best thing to do is to deal with the problem at the moment, forgive and forget. I don’t want to be an angry person. I don't want to have any regrets of being a biotch to someone and then something happening to them. I would never forgive myself.

In the long run I want to have more positivity in my life. I'm not trying to preach here. Just wanted to share that I learned, after a loooong time, to stop and breathe. Think things through carefully and I've been a much happier person since.

Yeah, I still get upset but I know its ok. The difference is now I learned to talk about it, work on it, and let go... this kind of freedom is the best.

Let me give you my middle...

Name that is...

Drum roll please.....

***Sharony***

So you can see where the Macaroni came in handy as a nickname:

Shanny Sharony Macaroni!

Yup. That's me. Oh my Lord!

I'll be honest when I got married I considered dropping it and keeping my maiden name as the middle.... in which case my initials would have been S.O.S.... that would have been interesting too, but nah. I decided that my names were given to me with lots of love (and creativity), why mess with that?

My names don't make me who I am, but I've been my names for so long that I would have felt that I was losing part of myself. Actually I did feel like I lost my identity when I changed my last name. Or last names I should say. In Venezuela, like in most Spanish countries, we get 4 names: first, middle, father's last name, mother's last name. When you get married you drop your mother's and add your husband's. I already lost 2... who would I have been if I had dropped 3 of them? Didn't want to find out... "Shanny" by herself could have been a Psycho for all I know... (God knows "Shanny" does have those tendencies). By the way, I'm also known as: Ny (pronounced Nee), Shan, and Macs.

In any case today I am Shanny Sharony S. Macaroni, nice to meet you =)

Macaroni'licious!

I hope you like Macaroni. Personally I think Macaronies can be cool and may I say awesome?

I’m Macaroni.

That was my nickname growing up. Funny thing is I didn’t grow up eating Mac 'n cheese or anything. It wasn’t a big thing in Venezuela and I didn’t get into it until I was older. Maybe I was cheesy? That would explain a lot. I do love cheese though… And if I do say so myself, I make a rocking mac 'n cheese! I figured I have to live up to my name so I played around with different recipes until I found "the one."

I have an idea of why I got this particular nickname but I’m a bit wary to say. It rhymes with my middle name. I’m not a big fan of my middle name because it also rhymes with my first name… sorry mom if I hurt your feelings… but also thanks ‘cause my names make for an interesting story and I would never change it. Do I dare say it? Nah... but lemme give you an idea … Shanny S****ny and just add the macaroni for fun... Great! And in case you were curious my initials are: S.S.S.... (so glad they are not x's, imagine being triple X...)

Wanna give my middle name a guess? Its not a popular name by any means…. so good luck. Do you have a funny nickname or middle name? Please don't make me feel alone in this madness, be nice and share =)

Oh, the few of you who know it are not allowed to guess, thanks much!

By the way this is post number: ~*~100~*~.

Yay!!! I guess?

I needed a special idea for my 100th post. Jeff couldn’t help me and my buddy Brenda couldn’t help me. Thanks for nothing guys…. I still love you though so don’t panic and don't share my middle name!

Fool me not...

Tomorrow is April Fools Day, a.k.a April 1st, a.k.a. the month we get to try again.

Oh My.

Can I tell you how excited I am that we get to try to have a baby again? With the help of fertility drugs? And a lot of fear? Oh. My. God. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm too scared to try but I'm more scared of letting the fear stop me from trying. Fear will not rule me! I can and will kick it in the butt!

Right now I'm waiting to Ovulate and even if I don't need to track it right now, I am. Old habits die hard. Hey! Its been 1 year and 7 months of the same O tracking crap, I can't just stop on will you know. Why am I doing it? Well because 2 weeks later I'll get my dear period and for the first time in months I can't wait! I'm going to immediately start on Clomid and start the monitoring of my beautiful and back-stabbing ovaries (I'm not forgiving them so easily). Then I'll be triggered to ovulate so that I can "hang out" with Jeff and wait..... again...

Two weeks later I'll be praying that we are pregnant..... Third time should be the charm! So I'm hoping that even though April have let me down in the past (first miscarriage was April 11th, 2008), it makes up for it this year and don't fool me again....

So my Dear April, no pressure but you owe me a baby big time!