Oh, honestly!

I've been given the Honest Scrap award by one of my favorite bloggers: Andrea

The rules:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

So here goes:

10 honest things about me

1- I'm not a phone person, well not to talk anyway. For texting on the other hand, heck yeah! I guess I'm just not good at carrying on a conversation on the phone, you must be in my face if you want to talk. Jeff is the chatter in our relationship.

2- It bothers me to no end when people don't use their signals while driving. They are there for a reason and I'm not a mind reader!

3- When I paint my nails, I HAVE to do my toe nails too, it keeps everything in balance. Even in the winter when no one sees my toes. And most importantly it has to be the same color.

4- I care about going green and protecting the environment but I don't do anything about it. I suppose old habits die hard. I'm disappointed in myself =(

5- Speaking of green. That's my color whenever I see a pregnant woman walking around or anyone with babies. I don't mean to envy them but its hard to see others having and enjoying what I sooo desire. Deep down I'm happy for them, I'm just sad for myself.

6- I'm upset- not only did I lose this baby but now I have to wait a while before TTC'ing again. Stupid body has to get back to normal.... as if normal worked for me anyway. So 2010 baby it is. Patience...

7- I'm going to "try" to start a new exercise routine to lose some weight. Now, we only have to get the treadmill from the garage and into the house, then I can start.... again.

8- I love, love, love movies! I can stay home and watch movies all day and feel like I've accomplished a lot LOL. And of course I love going to the movies too.... if only someone would take me.... (hint, hint Jeff)

9- I'm a big Harry Potter fan. Love the books and the movies and I'm so mad that I have to wait until July for Half Blood Prince. That was a messed up move on their part. Of course I can't complain too much because Twilight took it's place last November, but still.

10- I watch too much TV. If I see one episode of a show I have to continue watching it because I have the need to know what happens. I never, ever, watch a live show. That’s what DVR’s are for. I love my DVR, without it I would die!

And now the tagging begins... Crysbena, Amber, Kristin, Katie, Kelly, Katie Jo, and Ghanttam ... you are it!

Finding the good in the bad?

As you can imagine I've been living in self pity this past week. But I realized that I can find positive learning experiences in all this negativity. Here is my short list:

1. Being in the hospital taught me that their beds are really comfortable. I mean, really comfortable! And now I know that if I ever have to go back at least there is something good waiting for me there.
   
   
2. Being in all this HORRIBLE pain with no pain killers? Well..... it pretty much taught me that apparently I can endure pain. I really can't see anything else positive about it, I just feel like I'm being kicked while I'm down. Sure I can barely walk and it's cruel on top of the loss but hey! at least I'm surviving.
   
   
3. Seeing Jeff so sad shows me that I'm very lucky to have him. Its easy for guys to be more disconnected from it all since its not their bodies and they are less emotional. But I know that it was "our" loss not just "mine" and that we are there for each other no matter what.
   
   
4. Going through another loss? I suppose that it happened for a very good reason and that we are lucky it happened at such an early stage because otherwise it would have been even more devastating. Or that if it was for sure an ectopic and it had continued to develop, it could have killed me if it ruptured. Maybe because God knew Jeff and I would survive and gave a healthy baby instead to another couple who really needed it. Who knows? Yes, those are some positives but they are not good enough because they are not for certain. The best thing I learned that I know is 100% true is that we still have faith. We know it was meant to happen (cause otherwise it wouldn't have, right?), that God has a better plan for us and most importantly that we believe and trust that someday we will be parents. It's so easy to lose faith when we are tested this way but thankfully we haven't.

Ouch!

The pain is insane. It's not only the cramps and body ache that the shot is making me have, along with the TMI stuff (I'll save you the details), but remember the pain that sent me to the hospital? Its back. Not as bad, thank God, but its there accompanying the rest of it. WTF?

I can't even concentrate enough to suffer my loss, not sure I want to either. The physical pain is kicking my behind and I'm not allowed to take pain killers. Real pain killers I should say. I can take Tylenol but I might as well just drink water. Who are they kidding? I want my morphine back! I'm all about the drugs, give them to me and no one gets hurt. Of course the pain won't exactly let me go through with my threat so I'll just suffer quietly at home.

I think its getting better but I'm not too sure. It goes and comes and believe me the pain sure likes to make a statement when it comes back. On the other hand, my heart feels very heavy. Devastated is putting it mildly and yet I can't fully cry about it. Sure I have tears here and there but I'm trying to hold back. I'm in denial and I know it, I just can't let go. I don't know how. In some sad way I'm glad I'm feeling physical pain because I'm just not ready for the emotional part of it.

I'm back from the ER,the RE & thankfully no OR.

Thank you.

I want to thank everyone for the support you have offered Jeff and myself. I was overwhelmed when I read the comments (Jeff printed them and brought them to the hospital for me), they really helped to give us courage and stay strong. Zaira thanks for the food even though I couldn't eat it that day (I did devour it when I got home though). Also for my friends and family who called and/or sent me text messages (my favorite form of communication), I truly appreciate it and I'm grateful to have you in my life.

Crystal thank you for updating the boards for me. The responses were really great, they certainly made Jeff happy to see how his "male" point of view was so meaningful to those who go through our sad experiences.

And now my update, I'll try to make is as short as possible.

So a second pregnancy loss for us, huh? It absolutely sucks. I can't say that I'm surprised considering how my levels started but we had hope, especially Jeff, and of course now we are crushed. The sad thing? It's not over yet.

Let me start from my visit to the ER.

As Jeff said, I had the worse pain EVER and when I couldn't stand it anymore I forced him to take me to the Emergency Room. I've never been in the hospital before and I only planned on going to give birth, that's it. I would avoid it at all costs but Thursday night I knew I had to go. We are still not 100% sure what happened. More than likely it was a ruptured cyst. On the ultrasound it looked huge... but I don't know the exact size. It was filled with fluids and blood. On the other hand it could still be due to ectopic pregnancy. There is no way to tell because we can't see anything since the levels are so low. It's smaller than the head of a pin, so there is no way we'll see it.

They kept me on IV and Morphine and absolutely no food or fluids in case they needed to take me to the Operating Room. They poked me like I've never been poked before, I had about 6 rounds of blood work. I hate needles! There was a chance that they would have to do surgery if they found that it was indeed ectopic but thankfully I got out of that one.... for now. Yesterday when I woke up, the pain was gone. This made them think that it must have been the cyst and decided to release me. I was so happy because it meant I could finally eat. Yay for food.

Today I went to the RE.

I had more blood work done, I'm bloodless at this point, and another ultrasound. I saw the cyst and it seemed smaller. I did have pain again last night and today but it wasn't as bad so I took Advil to ease it. Since I know the pregnancy is not viable I figured its fine to take my beloved Advil cause Tylenol just doesn't cut it. As of my results from the hospital on Saturday my HCG went down to 344.9 and today's result form the RE's practice was 425. This means nothing because its just too low and its been too many days in between. We are leaning more towards ectopic but there is no real way to tell.

I was given the option to have the surgery if I wanted to be sure everything is clear, to have the Methotrexate shot or to wait it out. I chose the shot. It's actually a chemotherapeutic type of medication and it's used to treat ectopic pregnancy. I figure it was the best option since my levels are low and it should do the trick to keep me out of the OR. It will stop the cells from dividing and/or developing and end this whole thing for me, if not then I will still need the surgery. I'm praying I don't so that we can move on from this. It's just too devastating.

I don't think it's going to really hit me until I find myself fully miscarrying. I got 2 shots today on either side of my buttocks, which is good cause I do like everything symmetrical. But now they both hurt and supposedly I'm going to feel like crap, great... can't wait! I might start bleeding in about a week after getting the shot or longer, as if there was a reason to prolong the misery.

~~~~~~~~~~

Jeff,

I know how heartbroken you feel right now and I'm sorry. You are absolutely the most wonderful husband and you make me extremely happy. And you are right, we will get through this and come out stronger on the other side. Not that we need this kind of experience to bring us closer but it does make me appreciate you more. I know that I couldn't do this if I didn't have you and I know that one day you will be an amazing daddy. I'll see to that =)

I love you more than words can express. Muah!

An Update from Jeff

First of all, I want to thank each of you for being there for my wife and supporting our journey to becoming parents.

Shanny asked me to write to you because she can't right now.

Today so far has been a very tough and sad day. Many of you know that this morning we were going to the R.E. for another blood test and the first sonogram to see if things were progressing along.

Shanny's back has been really bothering her, but with the progesterone supplements this was no surprise. My surprise was that she woke me around 3:30 a.m. this morning to let me know that she was having serious sharp agonizing pain in the right side of her lower abdomen. She was crying, told me to get up, and that we should go to the hospital. That freaked me out, especially because if you know Shanny, those are words that would never come out of her mouth.

Once in the ER, her vitals were taken (blood, blood pressure etc.) and we had a sonogram done to see if there was a possible ectopic pregnancy situation. The doctor saw no sac, either in the uterus, the right ovary, and could not find the left ovary, but since the pain was in the right side, he saw no evidence of an ectopic pregnancy and he commented that the lining in the uterus looked good. However, no sac yet - and that is a big concern obviously.

Unfortunately, the hcg level from the blood test came back at only 350. Last Sunday, it was 300 - so this is a bad sign :( Shanny's pain had gotten worse as the hours passed, and they finally gave her something - Tylenol. However, that was not gonna do the trick, so they finally gave her morphine with the IV drip.

She feels better now, still in pain, but manageable. They are admitting her for observation and will continue more tests, probably give her another ultrasound and continue to monitor her betas. The concerns are: a) ectopic pregnancy, b) cyst, and c) possible appendix issues (haven't tested her for that yet). It wasn't bad cramps or gas, but substantial pain in the abdomen that is constant and doesn't allow her to sit or lay down any particular way for very long.

As much as we "sort of" tried to disconnect from this pregnancy until we saw something "concrete" - we got attached, very much so, again to the idea of our own little baby since we got our BFP. Shanny will tell you that I am hopelessly hopeful, so I'm praying for a little miracle from my man Gee Oh Dee. But the reality is, most likely, that we are going to experience another painful loss.

Thank you for always reading, responding, and supporting this blog. It is so important and a great release for my wife. I read it too, and check all the responses too. It means the world to the both of us. Please keep us in your prayers. I'm sure she'll will write you soon.

Now, it's time to charge the I-Touch and get her some books to read.

- Jeff a.k.a. Shanny's Husband

Wifey Bonita, you are my everything and I love you more than you'll ever know. We will get through this, and come out even stronger on the other side. I love you, I love you, I love you...

Your Mucho Macho Muchacho :)

I'm bleeding =(

Starting from last night I've had some blood episodes. It's not heavy, thank God, but its a light flow. I don't have cramps so far but I can't stand my lower back. The ache is really bad, I had to leave work one because I couldn't stand it and two because I'm just not in the right frame of mind to work.

I'M FREAKING OUT!!!

I called the RE's office and spoke to a nurse this morning since the Dr.'s weren't there yet. I was told it could be my progesterone suppositories because they sometimes cause bleeding. About the back pain she had no answer. I had my first ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow morning so I guess that's when I'll find out what's going on.

There is nothing we can do if I'm going to miscarry again or if it's an ectopic pregnancy. I hate this.

The Angry Infertile: Speak Out, Speak Up Award

I received this award from Kristin. A wonderful woman who on top of suffering a pregnancy loss also has infertility problems. Sharing this award with each other is just a reminder that we are not alone and someday we will all win the battle!

You're damn right I'm an angry infertile. I am sick of the injustices of this "disease." I am sick of being a "victim." I am sick of seeing my sisters fall victim to this disease and listening to their stories and their pain. So if you're out there, this is for you:

-If you could make a little house from used pee sticks and OPKs.

-If you talk in TTC acronyms nobody except people on the internet understand.

-If you have ever been stuck with any needles in order to achieve pregnancy.

-If you have had to stick yourself, or your husband has had to turn into your nurse in order to do it for you.

-If you've ever seen a blank ultrasound screen.

-If you know what a cootercam is.

-If you have ever gotten shower invites, family photos, or birth announcements in the mail and had a good cry.

-If you have watched someone go through an entire cycle of pregnancy in the time it took you to even try.

-If you have ever heard "just relax" or "it's not your time" or "it's God's will"

-If you dread holidays because you cannot announce a pregnancy to your family.

-If you dread holidays because there are no children to share them with.

-If you have ever held a baby or child and quietly pretended for a second that they're yours.

-If you have ever walked around the store in order to avoid the baby/toddler section.

-If you cannot park in the front spots of a store because they are for pregnant and expectant mothers only.

-If you've ever had to go IN the baby/toddler section of a store in order to buy something for someone else's baby.

-If you've ever yelled out during watching a movie or tv show about someone who's trying for a baby, "That's SO not realistic!"

-If you've ever sat around with a group of women who shared birth stories and labor pains and felt like you didn't fit in.

-If you've ever told anyone you are infertile and they're response was, "That sucks. I'm super fertile! I can have all the kids I want!"

-If a fertile person ever told you that they would be your surrogate because they have no problem getting pregnant.

-If you have ever gotten a shower invite through email while sitting at work trying to forget about TTC.

-If you know what an RE is.

-If you have ever graphed out your cycle on chart paper.

-If you have ever checked to see if your cervical mucus was eggwhite or clear, or could stretch 5 inches between your fingers and you know people in the next stall over are thinking, "WTF is she doing in there?"

-If you were disappointed that you couldn't find any.

-If you have kept a HPT or OPK in your purse to use when you were at work or out just in case.

-If you can't wait to see the peak symbol.

-If you have ever spat on a microscope in order to see ferns.

-If you laugh when people tell you to use pillows under your butt after sex.

-If you have picked out crib bedding or nursery decor online and you're not pregnant.

-If you have ever felt panic when seeing a pregnant lady.

If you meet the criteria above, or you'd like to submit your own, please post the following award on your blog. This is for all of the women who will no longer be silent about their infertility. This is to remind you that you need not be ashamed and you are definately not alone. This is to remind you to speak up the next time someone gives you fertility assvice.

Rules for posting award:

1-Link back to this post so that others will read the original story behind the award
2-Nominate 4 others who have not been "silent about their infertility"
3-Enjoy speaking out and speaking up :D

I nominate: Shannon, and Danse.

I would like to say that I'm kicking inferility's butty right now. Did a lil treatment and was blessed with a BFP but it doesn't take away all the struggles I've had, nor for any other woman who has been blessed with a pregnancy. I'm still hanging by a thread but hopefully this is it.

Speaking of.... my 5th beta was at 300. It didn't exactly double as it should but it went up. I go on Friday the 16th for more blood work and for my first ultrasound. I'm freaked out!

4th Betas and sweet unconscious Jeff

Ok here goes:

HCG went from 65.1 to 172

Progesterone went from 17 to 22.7

I'm beginning to feel more hope since my HCG is doubling + like it's supposed to. Maybe I'm one of the lucky girls with low HCG in early pregnancy that can end up with a healthy baby. At least I pray that I am. On the other hand my progesterone number is great. The average is 20 and I'm almost 23, woohoo!!!!

I'm still scared shitless though. I keep praying that my low numbers are not due to ectopic pregnancy. Let me tell you, I have strong heartburn and very sore boobs. The more pain I feel the happier I get. It means something is working =)

I never thought I would be hoping to have morning sickness, but I guess "feeling" is believing? I just see it as a good sign and with these numbers I want them. Um, is it OK that I don't want the puking symptom though? Only because I would hate to puke at work, in front of a lot of people... then again if I puke sometime this week I might want to high five my co-worker lol.

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About Jeff

He used to keep me up at night because he either snores or talks or both. Which is why I use ear plugs. When he has something on his mind he will talk about it all night long. With my ear plugs that's no problem. However, last night he found a new way to communicate what was on his mind.

I swear that every hour on the hour he rubbed my back and my stomach, while he was sound asleep. He kept waking me up all night. And I couldn't be mad because I thought it was so sweet. At one point I was laying on my side with my back to him and he couldn't find my belly so he kept poking and searching. I woke up a bit upset and yelled at him and then stayed up feeling guilty about it. He had no clue though. The man was way gone in la la land... I guess dreaming about his baby.

3rd Betas

Just a quick update.

My HCG went from 19 to 65.1.

My Progesterone went from 11 to 17.

So my HCG more than tripled! And progesterone was better. I think I read that above 15 with medication is a good start. Numbers are still low but that's no surprise considering where we are starting from. I go again tomorrow for more testing. Wish me luck!

2nd Betas

I went yesterday to get more blood work done to see how the pregnancy was progressing. The results were OK but not great.

My HCG went from 7 to 19.

My Progesterone went from 8 to 11.

The good thing is that they went up. The HCG more than doubled which is what we want and the progesterone supplements seem to be working. The bad thing is that the numbers are on the low side.

I go back tomorrow to do third betas and hopefully the numbers are up again. I'm freaking out but still hopeful. Lets wait and see...

2 lines in '09......

I decided to test for the heck of it on the 1st day of the year. There was a very very faint line. This morning when I tested again it was still very faint, it should have darkened a lot but it didn't.

Luckily today I had an appointment at 7 AM to get blood work done and test my prolactin levels at the RE's office. When I was there I requested my betas to be tested as well just in case I was seeing things. One of the Doctors called me a few minutes ago to share this morning's results with me.

Yes, I am pregnant. BUT my progesterone levels are too low for where they should be.

It can get in the way of this being a successful pregnancy. I'm going to start progesterone supplements and hopefully it does the trick. This fertility center is really great, they called me very fast with the results and they are having the supplements delivered to my house today by a pharmacy. I'm impressed.

Jeff and I are in a weird state. I say weird because I can't come up with a better word. We are finally pregnant after my prolactin levels went down, they are normal by the way. But now we may be facing another miscarriage. I have strong period cramps and I'm not liking it. The Dr. said that the supplements will make them stop. I have to get more blood work done in 2 days to see if it's helping. I really want to be excited but I can't.

This is the kind of thing that pisses me off, seriously.