Good Bye '09... and I do mean Bye

All I'm going to say to you is: wam bam thank you ma'am!


You sucked. Seriously, you did.

You started off with a bang and followed up with some crap, you gave me a BFP but took it back right away. And if messing with me the whole year didn't make you happy enough, you are giving me some horrible last days...

Maybe its me. Maybe my body is just too darn sensitive but it doesn't matter cause I rather blame you '09. You hear me?


My BCP's, which the only thing consistent with me taking them is that its never on time (yes, still), made me sick. And when I got used to them I had to start with the doxycycline which made me feel worse. I keep throwing up like there is no tomorrow. Thankfully I'm OK after 2 or 3 hours of taking it...... until I have to take it again which is twice a day, I know, lucky me. The only positive thing I can find about it is that I'll be used to puking when I'm finally pregnant.


Then yesterday I experienced my water brake. Yes, you read that right. Sadly it had nothing to do with me giving birth but I guess its like a heads up (no pun intended). I had my water sonogram/HSG and mock transfer. Not getting into too much details but I'll tell you that after they inserted a lot of saline I had a lil issue. When I got up to get dressed a big gush of it came out and messed up the floor. Um, oops? And while I was horrified Jeff apparently thought I peed myself cause he gave me a dirty look and asked what the hell I was doing. As if it was on purpose, then again I had to pee badly thanks to the 3 bottles of water I drank for the procedure, guess I can't blame him.  And in case you were wondering, I cleaned everything up.


Also, I think you should know, the mock tranfer was good. My path is clear and my uterus perfect, apart fom the fact that it likes to kill. Anyway, 2010 is a new year for my uterus to redeem herself, so we'll see.


And to you awesome readers: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! =)

I'm single handedly sabotaging this entire operation

You would think that if it’s on my mind, oh I don’t know, 24/7? The least I could do is remember to take the darn BCP’s on time every night, right? Wrong.

That would simply be too easy. I was so anxious the first night that I took it at 7pm. After that though? It seems that my brain only registers the need for it between 7:15 and 7:45 pm. I know. Shame on me! The sad thing is if this doesn’t work out, I’ll kick myself in the behind after, wondering if I messed up my cycle during the whole “prevention” phase. Cause we all know the birth control pills are absolutely necessary when trying to get pregnant and like it or not, its one of the keys to getting me knocked up with IVF.

And technically could I set up an alarm to remind me? Sure. But that would be demeaning myself. If I don’t have confidence in my own sense of responsibility, who will? But,  um… if anyone wants to take over and bring a glass of water with the BCP’s to their (awesome) wife at 6:59pm every night until Jan. 10^th… that would be incredibly sweet, wouldn’t it? (FYI: its in my purse)

Pssst, Pssst....I have drugs.... shhhhh!

Because I have a flare for the dramatic, I present to you:

My Stash of Drugs

And you may have noticed the bottle of Tequila,no? Last row on the left.

That would be my "shot" of choice if I could, but nooooo!

Either way, if this darn IVF doesn't work out, trust me, that bottle and me?

We are going to be one. 

And the sad thing is that I have more drugs than that, but the 

 insurance wont approve more than a certain amount at a time, yadi yadi yada

My pic could have been filled with even more drama!

Anyway...

Here is the deal, for those who may be doing IVF in the future and are interested in protocols. And I know I shouldn't be wishing you IVF, but you know? Misery loves company. I kid, I kid! And that's it. From now on, this post gets serious(-ly boring)

I had to write this up because I appreciated finding the very few posts about protocols and if it could help anyone in their obsessive ways, then I'm glad. If not, I'll at least have it for my own reference. I will be doing the:

Birth Control Pill with Lupron Method.

1- Birth Control is taken to suppress the pituitary, to resolve any residual ovarian cyst (which I have), and to allow flexibility in the schedule. I started on day 2 and will take it for 3 weeks. In between, I'm doing the water sono and taking antibiotics.

2- My third week of birth control will be overlapped with the Lupron injections. Its used to further suppress the pituitary in order to prevent ovulation. I have to take it for at least 2 weeks in the mornings between 6 and 9. Then go to work, wonderful.

3- Then I start Menopur injections, I think I overlap it with second week of Lupron, haven't received my detailed calendar yet, and I don't remember. Menopur is a mix of human-follicle stimulating hormone (FSH), and luteinizing hormone (LH) and are responsible for inducing follicles/eggs.

4-I then get to add Gonal-F injections for even more ovarian stimulation. Like menopur, it helps to develop multiple eggs. Lots of ultrasounds around these times. And blood tests.

5- Start the Progesterone Oil shots somewhere here.

6- Get a Novarel shot (HCG) when ultrasound and estrogen levels show my follicles are mature. I will be using Novarel to induce ovulation within 36 hours. Yet another shot.

7- At exactly 35 1/2 hours, I will have my egg retrieval. This is the scariest part, but I will have an IV aneshesia (thank God). A long needle is introduced into the pelvic space through the vagina wall under ultrasound guidance, and eggs aspiration will be done.  Yikes!

8- They do insemination, and/or ICSI (IntraCytoplasmic Sperm Injection) into the eggies and wait for embryo culture.

9- Get embryo transfer, either 3 or 5 days later, depending on their developments.

10- Start Estradiol and progesterone supplements.

11- Wait 2 weeks, and find out if Yay or Nay.

So You Wanna Get Pregnant?

Start your Birth Control Pills, Duh.

On that note, I’m getting ready to get pregnant!.... by starting my birth control pills tonight. The concept still boggles my mind, but hey! Who am I to question the process? It makes sense when you think about it. Those who have a thousand kids are the ones who were avoiding them to begin with. So I get it, its almost like reverse psychology for my uterus. Good luck with that one Doc, my uterus is not easy to fool cause she is very smart, if I do say so myself. But if you wanna try it, we’ll try it. I have nothing to lose apart from not getting pregnant, which I do (or don’t?) all on my own anyways.

And so it begins……

The info below is for me. You don’t have to read it but if you want to, it’s ok. I understand if you can’t get enough of my thoughts. I can’t either, honestly.

Next week schedule:

Sunday- Blood test.

Monday- Stress Management session. Which I have to pay for out of pocket, but it’s required by clinic. They want me to pay them for managing the stress that they caused in the first place. Bastards only want my money!

Tuesday- IVF Consent signing. – Begin taking Doxycycline, twice a day for 5 days (both of us). Its antibiotics, in case you are still reading.

Wednesday- Time for my water sonogram. I hope it’s in a hot tub because it’s too cold for a pool. Heehee. Ok so that’s not how it works, sue me. I have to have an extremely full bladder before my romantic session with the lovely vag-cam. Then they insert the thing and put the other thing and cause me lots of pains. Then I get to go to work and smile.

I Sad

As much as I’m trying to stay in a positive mood, I’m failing.

I’m really freaked out about IVF. And I’m really pi$$ed off about it too. I can keep asking God why?why?why? over and over again but it wont change the fact that this is my faith right now. I either take it or I leave it. And I refuse to go down without a fight so I guess I’m taking it. I already spent enough time crying over it so its time to move on and accept what has to be done. But I can still be pi$$ed that I have to do it right?

I haven’t put up a Christmas tree this year, or lights, or any decorations. I’ve checked our holiday boxes several times over the past 3 weeks and can’t find myself to decorate. I guess my Christmas spirit is lost and I have no interest in looking for it. I don’t have my one year old, I don’t have my 3 month old, I’m not pregnant, and I can’t get pregnant, if I want to get pregnant I have to do IVF, and if I get pregnant my uterus (aka killing machine) might end it as usual. I think that I’m being dramatic and that I should just get over it, but I don’t know how.

Reasons Why I Shouldn't Want A Baby....

In what right mind does a person knowingly and willingly try to get pregnant? I mean there are a lot of things to consider, for me at least….

1. You lose sleep, and let me tell you, I love to sleep.
2. If I want to get pregnant, I have to get poked with a whole lot of needles… who wants that? Not me, I’ll tell you that. (Again)
3. That thing they call Morning/all day sickness? Doesn’t sound like fun. Though I would love an excuse to puke all over some clients I have to deal with at work…. I swear I might even force myself to do just that once in a while.
4. Poop. Someone has to clean it up. Ewwww.
5. Apparently babies cry? At all hours and at any hour! Luckily I have earplugs, so this one won’t be too much of a problem for me.
6. Your body gets big. Like really big.
7. You will no longer be the most important person in your own life. Whatever happened to the power of selfishness? Not fair that we have to lose it. Not fair at all.
8. Birth. Whoa! That part is the scariest. I’m hoping that God’s plan has been to come up with some painless way to give birth by the time I have to worry about that.

Hard to believe I’ve been trying to go through all of that, sup wid me? Obviously I hadn’t thought it through. Thank God I’m making this list now, phew!
But even after all that, my mind is still set on experiencing all those things for myself and not trust word of mouth. I want what I want. And I’m going to get it darn it!

So I never graduated then?

My High School is closing down.

I feel like I’m going to lose my high school diploma. And along with that my college degree cause you can’t have one without the other right? Should I start looking into getting a GED? That seems to be the most logical step….

In my head I’m picturing my high school with large chains running across the whole building and a huge padlock in the entrance….which would mean that none of my records will get out (oh no!)…. And then what happens to me?

I wonder if they heard about public records and the internet after I left…. they may have been so set in their ways and kept everything in paper files for all I know. Yikes!

It’s almost like losing a part of my identity to know that my high school will no longer exist. Granted, I don’t use it anymore. Or visit it. But for them to take it away from me is just wrong. Just plain wrong.

You want to do what to my boobs?

A sonogram? But why? I can assure you that neither one of them is pregnant.

Oh to be naive....

I had my breast sonogram done yesterday. Don't panic, they are fine. Or they should be at least. My girls needed to be checked out as a precaution because of my fertility treatments this far and before I can move on to IVF.....if I move on to IVF.

It was kind of nice to be undressed from the waist up this time instead of the waist down. A very nice change indeed. But in a way I feel like I was cheating on the ultrasound machine. We go way back but never upwards, so it was strange.

And you'll never guess who did my sono! Esme Cullen! Ok, so it wasn't really her. She is a vampire not an ultrasound technician, duh. But I kept staring at her so I'm sure she thought I was weird. Then again I'm sure I'm not the only Twilight fan to stare her down. She'll get over it, she did after all have her way with my girls so I had the right to be weird, no?

To Be IVFed or not to be...

That is the question......

If I was confused before about all my treatments, well now I'm lost. And I happen to be lost in my own head, which is scary. Trust me. I know my head and let me tell you: its a dangerous place....

So in order for me to free myself from myself, I need your help cause I don't know what to do. Should I let myself be IVFed or not? The whole thing is so overwhelming and so so full of needles and injections and needles and more injections, did I mention it was WITH needles? I hate needles! Especially when it's going into MY skin. Your skin I'm fine with but not mine.

I've been wondering if I should try to do just one more IUI and risk "wasting" my insurance balance or just bite the bullet and go for the very invasive/scary IVF. This is where you come in, what would you do? Tell me, tell me!

Ultimately I'll make my own decision, but I thought you would feel special if I included you. You are welcome. Oh, and before you answer keep in mind that Jeff seems a little too excited to poke me with those needles.... I'm not sure I trust him.... so you shouldn't either...

I'm 29, now what?

You would think I would be acting more mature. Think again.
I don't want to. I don't feel like it. I just wont. I like basking in my immaturity. It keeps me happy... and/or naive, however you want to look at it. And right now I want to really really act like a child.

I so want to play hooky from work, but just so that I can say I did. No worries, I wont. I may be immature but I can achieve that (very well) and still be responsible. My lab-made-baby is expensive after all.

I think I may need a night light. Jeff has been gone since yesterday for work related crap and I'm all alone. Its my first time evah alone in ANY house. I'm not going to lie, every little noise I heard last night had me skeered. Tonight should be fun, again.

I also want to stamp my feet real hard. Over and over again and refuse profusely to be in the situation that requires IVF. It's hard to accept that I, Shanny, need to have IVF if I want to experience motherhood. What has the world come to? It doesn't make sense. I had the IVF info session on Tuesday and things have been set in motion. I'm even more skeered now. The good thing about IVF? apart from the whole "being able to have a baby" side of it. I get to own a nurse. She belongs to me now and will have to do as I say (or the other way around, I guess), and will have to answer all of my questions. Which is good because I've been wondering a lot of things, like: why is the Sun hot? Things like that, and she has to answer because she is assigned to me and can't escape.

And the biggest thing I want is this:
I want to be at the receiving end of the green envy look that infertiles like myself tend to give ALL pregnant women we see. I want to see them look at my baby bump and give me a scornful look. That's what I want.

So as you can see, I've put all of my 28 years of experience in immaturity into good use at 29.

Fears....

Just like any normal person, I have my share of rational and irrational fears. Sadly, most of mine tend to fall on the irrational end of things. I thought I would share them with you....just so that you can feel better about yourself, I'm nice like that =)

And here they are:

*Not winning the lottery. Ever. (The millionaire kind of lotto, of course)
*Spiders. They are simply out to get me. I know it.
*Blood. Even though I'm obsessed with the whole vampire thing.
*Going broke before we can pay for a lab made mini me.
*Or mini Jeff. (Awwww)
*2012... didn't you hear? The world is supposed to end, eek!
*I'm also scared of myself. I wouldn't mess with me if I were you. I'm very intimidating. (Don't laugh, its disrespectful)
*Going bald. I don't think it would be a good look for me.
*Or losing my teeth. Braces were expensive... and it would definitely be bad for my look. I need all the help I can get.
*Lizards, the new show "V" creeps me out! I can't stop watching it.
*Breaking my spanking new Droid. Or any Droid for that matter.
*Ummm, LAZIK surgery...
*And most definitely my uterus. Its a killing machine!