When he proposed.....

Not to brag or anything....

But my husband was the mastermind behind the blackout in the summer of 2003. Why? Well for me of course!

Thursday, August 14Th, 2003
Around 4:00 PM... BLACKOUT.
I left work early and was hanging out with Jeff. We were watching TV when everything went POOF! What was my first reaction? I asked Jeff if he paid the electricity bill.... he freaked out and wasn't sure, he then said obviously not.... I was a little upset. I really wanted to continue watching my show (I have no idea what it was).

Friday, August 15Th, 2003
Morning comes... no electricity. Noon comes... still no electricity. I was no longer mad at Jeff, he did after all pay the bill. Good boyfriend! 1:00 PM, Jeff, the most easy going person I know, is pissed off that they hadn't fixed the problem yet. I'm fine, he is not.... clearly the heat was getting to the both of us because we switched personalities. (I should mention that we were supposed to go out to dinner that night. A surprise for me, since the previous week I mentioned that we always do the same things and should try some new restaurant or something. Jeff said OK that he will plan something for next Friday...) OK, so he is bitching all day long and was already getting me in a bad mood. It was hot enough with no air, and all he could do is complain. He tried calling the restaurant through out the day and couldn't get in contact with anyone, so he assumed dinner would be cancelled. Fine with me. I can continue ignoring his bad mood and read my book.

Around 5:15 PM Jeff tells me that we will be going out after all since the restaurant will be using their back up generator. I said OK, and he started freaking out, yelling: "Get ready NOW, we have to go to the City and we have to be there by 6:30 PM." At this point I just wanted to throw some water at him because he was clearly overheated, why couldn't he make a later reservation instead of rushing me?

We got to Pier 81 and the fishy smell wasn't too romantic in my opinion (I'm not admitting nor denying that I wanted to throw him in the water for rushing me to get to a fishy smelling place).... until he mentioned that we were going on a dinner/cruise on the World Yacht.... (so glad I didn't push him). I was so excited!!! I had no idea that was not the end... I was already very very happy.

After dinner, he asked me to go outside with him to get some fresh air. It was already dark outside and I could barely make out Manhattan since the electricity was still playing hookie. The next thing I know Jeff is hugging me and giving me a very romantic kiss, and he suddenly just let go very abruptly (what a mood killer!), but then he got down on one knee and while I started crying 'cause I figured it out at that point, he asked: "Shanny, would you do me the honor and make me the happiest man by becoming my wife?" I said "bwaa, sniff, sniff, bwaaaYESsss, sniff." He put my ring on and while sealing the engagement with my teary kiss, the lights in Manhattan came on....

IT WAS BEAUTIFUL!!!!

(Sorry you can't see the lights too good, but take my word for it, it was beautiful)

Thanks honey, screwing up Con Edison just so that I can have that moment after saying yes made it the most romantic engagement I could have asked for! As soon as we went inside "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton came on and we danced to it... I must say it was indeed wonderful... I couldn't stop smiling.
After we got back from Manhattan, Jeff decided to take me out for dessert, even though we were full.... I was so happy that anything he came up with sounded great, he could have said lets rob a bank and I would have gone for it. (I work at a bank now, but please don't freak out I wont rob it.. the moment is gone) When we got to the diner, yes a diner, hey! He had to improvise since his original plan of where we were going was cancelled thanks to the blackout, my parents and his were waiting to celebrate with us. Our brothers and their lovely wives, my sister and her lovely kids and husband.... All the people who are dearest to my heart were there to shock the hell out of me.

I then understood why Jeff was freaking out all day, he had planned that night for a while and everything seemed to be going wrong. I have to mention that in his nervousness he only shaved the right side of his face, so the other half was quite hairy the next day... I still wish I had taken a picture of that, it was funny.

I had the most wonderful engagement and I want to thank the whole country and Canada for being "in" on it.

She Is A Red Haired Bitch and I Hate Her!*

Or maybe I love her since she finally came....

Who knows? We have a love/hate relationship, AF & I.

I can't say I blame her for having a grudge against me. I mean, for years I welcomed her with open arms. Month after month I waited patiently for her to show up. We had fun together, and I always did look forward to spending time with her. I honestly didn't know what I would have done if she didn't show...(freak out!)

But now she is pissed off at me, and I deserve it. After all the love I've had for her, I've been slowly pushing her away from me. I just need a break. A long break.... of exactly 9 months, is that too much to ask? Maybe I went the wrong way about it. I just started distancing myself from AF and never explained why. So here goes:

Dear AF,

We need to talk. It seems things are not working out anymore. Please don't cry, I assure you that its not you, its me. I still love you, but I need my space. I need a long break from our relationship. I feel like its always the same when you come and we need to find the spark back. I know you are thinking that there may be someone else..... you're kinda right. I'm hoping that there will be, but that wont be possible unless you go away for a while. I don't want to hurt you, I just want to be a mom. I promise that in your place a lovely baby will take good care of me. Having said that, once that baby is out I will need you by my side for your support. I know that I wont be able to go on without you. So as you can see, I'm not saying good bye, just see you later. No one can ever replace that love that we share. So I've taken the liberty and set up a long, long vacation for you... all expenses paid. Feel free to see other people, I understand that you must do what you have to do. But please AF come back to me in March, if my calculations are correct that's when I will be needing you again. I will miss you....

Take care,

Shanny

So there it is. A proper short term break up. I will go ahead and spend quality time with her right now and then.....See ya later! way later!

*"She is a red haired bitch and I hate her"- quote from Becky Bloomwood in the Shopaholic series. (Not directed at AF, but it fits nicely in my opinion)

2WW + 2

Do you want an update? Yes? No? Maybe...????

Sure!... only 'cuz you asked... I don't want to deprive you of the wonders of my body (OK you are allowed to laugh at me now)

On 14 dpo I always... always get AF... so that makes me officially 3 days late on 16 dpo, Yay.... Awesome right?....Wrong! all of the HPT's I took have been BFN's.
Big. Fat. Negatives.

Boo!

So why am I late? Because my miscarriage is messing with me even more now... screwing up my cycles. I knew this could happen, but to me? Nope! Why me? WTF?

That's it with the update. I have no answers. If you find an answer let me know, much appreciated!

13 DPO...

I have about 2 more days before AF shows up.

In between 10 dpo and 13 dpo my bbs decided that it was time to start spilling out of my bra, they are huge! And they are very very sore... but this happens sometimes before the b!tch shows up so its not really good. I've also had some cramps in the past 2 days, and like I said before it could be good or bad. I really think she is on her way though... she loves to show her face even more when she is NOT welcomed... can't get a hint I tell ya!

Now I'm striking more than before

Wanna know what I did today? OK, I'll tell you, I:

• Woke up
• Immediately grabbed my bbs, I had to make sure they were still sore so that I can have the rest of the day free from obsessing... or so I thought.
• Enjoyed coffee with Jeff.
• Grabbed my bbs.
• Watch TV.
• Had Jeff be the judge that they were indeed huge. (I didn't want him to feel left out)
• Ignore cramps.
• Grabbed my bbs.
• Clean.
• Grabbed my bbs....

I think you get the point; I've been feeling myself up all day...

No judging allowed!

I think ignoring the cramps worked too. I haven't really had any since yesterday.... then again my mind is very very powerful so who knows. After all this over sharing, I would appreciate it if you let me know that I'm not *really* truly crazy, or at least that I'm not alone.

8 DPO to 9 DPO

What happened between one and the other?

24 hours went by!

OK... nothing happened. I haven't had any more symptoms for AF or Pg... Yet... But its very easy to have:





Which is probably why I'm ignoring anything that my body is doing between now and 14 dpo, at which point I will test, unless I get AF... I mean why waste a test?.... or three? (knowing me). If I must be honest, I'm not feeling confident that we will get a BFP this time... But that's OK.... Jeff (and Margaritas) be prepared.....

Strike with me....

No Af, No Af!!!

Don't show your face

you red haired b!tch....

No Af, No Af!!!

7 DPO

This morning I woke up with a headache. Could it be because I was out partying with Jeff last night? Absolutely!

We went to his co-worker's 50Th surprise birthday party. It was fun, we danced and ate, danced some more and got home late. We are party animals!(wooohooo!) I had half of a pina colada, I couldn't finish it because my stomach still felt upset and I had no more alcoholic beverages during the night *just in case* And, Yes, I danced through my upset/nauseous stomach... don't judge me! I did it for Jeff...... I swear!

I got up slightly dizzy this morning, which means that it was stupid to stand up so fast after laying down for hours... Silly Shanny... I learned my lesson. I had some Robitussin last night and this morning so I've been coughing out phlegm (sexy, I know), and my throat feels a lot better, awesome!

I still feel a little sick, but not as much as yesterday...Yay! So far I haven't any symptoms, but its still early so we will see. Don't panic! I will keep you updated... even if you care or not =)

6 DPO

What did my body do?

I continued to feel nauseous, the feeling had started Friday late afternoon.
I woke up and had some coffee, but I couldn't handle it.
I gagged a few times during the day.
I was hungry....But then I had a late lunch.
I was very tired and sleepy, but I didn't have a good night sleep.
and
My throat hurt, which just means I'm getting sick =(

You thought it was a good sign? Yeah me too, but I'm just sicky... Perfect timing to fool me.... Darn!

On the other hand, I had no cramps, no back pain, no tender bbs... so no signs of AF either. Once again my symptoms are inconclusive. WTF?

5 DPO

Good and Bad signs from my body:

• I'm emotional.... but I'm always emotional, so that's no help.
• My bbs are starting to get tender... (I didn't start the squeezing yet)
• I'm peeing a lot, but I'm also drinking a lot of water... just like I planned... (yes!)
• I'm having some cramps on and off.... But this is BullSh*t because its either AF or PG

Um, I also had some gas the other night and gave Jeff a high five since it was the first sign! OK maybe it was the broccoli I ate, but I gotta have some hope, no?

So to summarize my signs, there is nothing conclusive. I'm either going to be PG or I'll get stupid AF.

Stay tuned.....

2WW!!!!!

Finally!

OK, so its confirmed. I'm 3 days post ovulation according to my temps in my chart. What does this mean? Hopefully that my eggie was fertilized and that I have a baby brewing. (I came up with "brewing" since I like asking Jeff to brew the coffee, & I love coffee). Um, I need your help with that... repeat after me:

Brew baby, brew!

(Brew baby, brew!)

Please don't make any mistakes while asking my baby to brew, if you make one wrong pronunciation you might just F**k the whole thing up. BE CAREFUL!

I hope you memorized my abbreviations because you will need it to survive this blog. I'm threatening to erase my help from the screen, so watch it!

I'm now in my 2WW.... ::waiting for you to figure out what it means:: ....la, la, la.

Welcome back!

Yes, I'm in my 2ww, and I expect you to scrutinize all of my symptoms with me. This might be disappointing to read, but a lot of the symptoms are the same as if AF is coming. Darn!

Since we have 2 long ass weeks to find out if we are expecting or if I'll get AF along the way, I'll give you a lesson of what my body will **hopefully** be experiencing soon. Sorry if this will be TMI for you, but tough luck.

Pregnancy symptoms to look for during 2WW:

• Cramps. (yeah, big help...sense the sarcasm)


• Sore boobs.


• Darkening of... err... the nipples (oh, grow up)


• Vivid dreams. (They could be scary, last time I dreamed I got shot in the head and I swear I still feel the pain)


• Nausea, dizziness


• Exhaustion


• Constant peeing


• Sensitivity to smell


• Pimples..(I have like 4 on my chin....yay!)


• Back pain


• Thirst


• Cravings or no hunger at all


• Bloated


• Gassy....(What? like you don't get gas)


• Soar throat and stuffy nose


• Mood swings (I did say it was a lot like PMS, didn't I?)


• More I can't remember, and last but not least...


• A BFP!!!!! ( I hate to say this, but duh!.. if you don't know you are pg when you get a bfp I'm sorry for you)

Ok, I might experience some or all of these symptoms.... Maybe none, but I can't handle that so I might just force myself to think that I am thirsty so that I can drink a lOT of water then pee constantly and while I'm at it I will squeeze my bbs hard to make sure they are sore. See? I have a positive feeling about this 2WW, I think its safe to say that I will definitely be living through some of the things in my list. (Whether my body cooperates or not!) And, NO, you can't help me squeeze my bbs, what's the matter with you?

Oh, Please pray to keep AF away from me, we only have 11 more days before I can test, not that I'm counting.....

Happy Mother's Day!

Sadly a Mourning Day...



To all the beautiful mother's in my life, I just want to say: ***I Love You***

From here on I'm bitter so you may not want to continue reading. There is a poem at the end that fits like a globe to how I feel this day...

Today is a tough day for me. Not only because its Mother's Day (which I can't celebrate), but it also happens to be exactly one month since my miscarriage. I am very proud of myself that I was able to celebrate our moms, and didn't think too much about how sad I felt while spending time with them. Now that I'm back at home, with time to think, I am so... so sad that today precisely had to be one month since my loss. And I say "my loss" because apparently at this point, I should be moving on. It's amazing how this tiny thing that was with me for an extremely short time has this huge effect on me.

I miss it, it may not mean anything to anyone else now that its gone, but I miss it.

I'm hurt. And that's the only way I can explain it. Maybe me being very sensitive has to do with it, maybe not. Maybe those who have not experienced this think that I'm being selfish right now, that I should get over it and move on to the next one... I'm trying to, but today I mourn. Today I mourn because I have the right to feel that for a very very short time I was a mom, because it was my baby and it died, because I have the right to never forget it... and it doesn't matter if in your eyes all I'm being is dramatic. The pain is real, and its mine. It's a pain I don't wish to share with anyone. I just want all of you moms to know that you are very blessed and I envy you.

I'm going to share a poem that I read on a message board. ToraDales thanks for sharing.

Dear Mr.Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven,
and though it must appear
A rather strange idea,
I see everything from here.

I just popped into visit
your stores to find a card.
A card of love for my mother,
as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake,
I saw every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card,
from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too,
no matter where I reside.
I had to leave, she understands,
but oh the tears she’s cried.

I thought that if I wrote you,
that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now,
I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me;
we still share laughter too,
Memories, our way of speaking now,
would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart,
her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me,
sometimes far into the night.

She plants flowers in my garden,
there my living memory dwells
She prays for other grieving parents,
trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr.Hallmark,
though I no longer live on earth,
I must find a way, to remind her
of her wondrous worth.

She needs to be honored,
and remembered too
Just as the children of earth
on Mother’s Day will do.

Thank you Mr.Hallmark,
I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do;
to you I’ll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her,
how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself,
when she joins me in eternity.
-unknown-

The other woman...

There is another woman in our life...
.............and...........
I shamefully have to admit that I'm the one with the love affair... I know you wont understand, but the thing is:
She is so sweet ...
And so strong at the same time.
She makes me feel good about myself.
I feel like I don't have to pretend when she is around... I can let loose.
Jeff doesn't mind, she is attractive and quite frankly he enjoys her too.
I can't get enough of her. I just can't.
She is fun, and doesn't take herself too seriously.
I will have to end our affair soon though, I don't want to talk about why, all I can say is that it will be sad .... but I'll be OK.
She is unforgettable, especially the mornings after spending the night together...

Why?

Because of the headache that Margarita gives me every time I drink too much..

What were you thinking? Gosh!!

FYI

There is a list of abbreviations and what they stand for on the lower right side of your screen. You can use it for future reference if you are not familiar with them.
You have one week to learn them, there will be a quiz.... so consider yourself warned!

Coincidence?... I think not!

Three things going on this week:

1. We are on vacation, yay!
2. Remember those sticks I pee on? Well... they inform me that I'm currently fertile.
3. Um, its really not your business, but do the math if you must. (Vacation+fertility=???)

So should I take it as a coincidence that I am fertile while on vacation?.... Nope! It's nature taking its course, maybe a little one being ordered... but even if not... what else to do in such relaxing times? Please don't answer..... I'm happy with my plan so far.

Let me take you back to the start..

So, Jeff and I are from completely different backgrounds, we are very well mixed up. Some would say we are "weird" looking, but I say exotic! =)

Jeff... is all over the place with his ethnic background, 1/2 of him is Chinese, and the other 1/2 is divided with Irish, German, French and Dutch... Yet the man only speaks English!
I'm mixed with Venezuelan and Guyanese; 1/2 and 1/2 split right down the middle. Can you imagine our kids? I feel bad for them, on the flip side, they can certainly apply to work at the United Nations. OK, so they may not *exactly* qualify but they can speak on behalf of all those countries... or at least just let the world hear what mommy and daddy have to say.

From here on, the story is for Jeff... Honey this is how me met:
(Guys and their memories!)

We met at work, a Real Estate office (different job now for both of us), and honestly we didn't even find each other attractive at first... we were just intrigued by how interesting the other looked. On my first day there, this guy that I don't know, flirting with some girl is having a discussion about him being the youngest R.E. Agent there, apparently she didn't believe him so he comes to me and says: "Hey, you don't know me." (I'm thinking.. Duh!), he continues: "How old do you think I am?". Now, I hate questions like this, so I went the sarcastic route: " 65", I immediately freaked out because I didn't know if he was one of the bosses or who on earth he was. He proceeded to stare me down, and said: " I have to go now, but we will discuss this tomorrow." Crap! I messed up! This is my first day here and I went and insulted one of my bosses. Oh, how naive I was! he was only joking.

The next day, I didn't hear anything... (good, yay!) He then comes in to have lunch at the same time with me, and we are the only ones there. Crap, crap crap! But I guess he forgot because he was nice, and kept talking and talking, and eventually said that I was sarcastic the day before... "cool", he followed up, "I like sarcastic". (Pheww! I'm not in trouble, then again he wasn't any one's boss.) As he was talking I was very intrigued... I started to look at him, thinking he looks different, what is he? should I ask?..nooo, that's rude don't ask! Well, it turns out he was curious too so he asked me first (how rude!). From that day on, he met me for lunch almost every day, because we got along really well. Really... really well. He said he wanted to learn Spanish so my job was to teach him a new Spanish phrase every day, and so I did.

We became kind of close, we talked about the problems we were having with the exes. And one day, November 5Th, 2002 (not that I remember), it was pouring outside and he was walking home since he lived a few blocks away. He had to go meet his ex, there was a big argument, and since he was upset he walked all the way back to work in the rain just to tell me that he had a rough night, this was almost 9 P.M, when I was about to close the office. Anyway, he came and said that he had a rough night and turned to walk home again... that's all he said to me. As he got to the door, my pen dropped and as I was picking it up I looked up at him and he look at me, and we just felt something. It was very fast, but that look made me call him that night... first time either one of us called the other..... we spent 6 hours on the phone, and I dare say that's when we fell in love.

We didn't really talk about us, I didn't think I liked him like that, but gosh I couldn't stop thinking about him and neither could he (yes, I know he felt the same way, its my story remember?) It took us a few months before we actually started dating, I mean he did after all make me dinner for Valentine day... as friends... in our minds... We were in denial, what can we say? You think we would have figured it out after hanging out a few times a week. We decided to have dinner that Valentine day, supposedly because we were both down about our previous relationships (ha!), but by the time dinner was over and I was leaving around 9:30 pm (I had a curfew and had to get home by 10PM.... don't ask) he walked me to my car and asked me to be his girlfriend..... the rest is history!

Tic Toc...

As far as my family is concerned, the clock is ticking..... Every time there is a family gathering I hear it in my head (Tic Toc... Tic Toc..) I dread the question, which I know will be asked sooner rather than later..... Sooo, when will you guys have kids?
Urrgggh!
Its not that easy people! If you read all the books I've read, obsess with other girls in pregnancy forums... (my fellow nesties, smile), and try every month during your most fertile days, you would know its just not as easy as you are led to believe.

My close family members, they are very smart, they do not question me about this. Not because they know we've been trying, but lets just say that they know me only too well. Actually, if I had it my way, I would've told them after my first trimester: .... Ta da.... we are pregnant! (like a big slap in the face) But it turns out that the same reason that I didn't want to tell my parents & siblings is exactly what made me tell them that we were even trying. ...weird how life works.
I wanted to wait until the "risky" first 3 months passed in case I had a miscarriage (never actually thought it could happen to me), because I just *knew* that I wouldn't want to face them, tell them such a sad news, or have them feel bad for me or tell me the wrong thing (you know: you are young, it will happen again; at least you know you can get pregnant; keep trying, etc). To someone going through this, no matter how much we know they mean well, it hurts like a mother*****r. Well, turns out "it" could happen to me, I did have a miscarriage, and guess what? Boy I needed their comfort! So I came clean to them, and now they know that we are trying, BUT they are still smart enough not to keep asking about our "progress".

So back to this Tic Toc business, my extended family on the other hand, WILL keep asking...
Not because MY clock is ticking, but their clock, as far as they are concerned its how it works: you get a boyfriend, you get married and you start your family. To get into my family's point of view/culture requires its own blog, so maybe I can summarize it in a later post. So what is wrong with Shanny? Why is she waiting so long? Well, at first it was because we wanted to enjoy each other for a while and travel around, then it was because we wanted to wait since we knew that my brother and sister-in-law were trying and we didn't want to steal their thunder (OK, so maybe I wasn't quite ready, but good enough excuse). After, we were in the 'we are not trying but not preventing' phase, and then we officially started to try 7 cycles ago.

It takes an average couple 6 months to a year to get pregnant, and for us it was 6 cycles/9 months cause I have long cycles. I admire all of those girls who try month after month, going on over 2 years or more and they never give up, so I'm not crying a victim here, I realize there are others who have way more problems than us when it comes to this issue. For me now that it happened and its gone, I guess my own Tic Toc song is tattooed in my brain. I Am Obsessed! A year and a half ago, I thought it would be cool if it happened but wasn't too sure. Since then I educated myself in the how, what and most importantly when to try to get pregnant. I take my temperature religiously every morning before I get out of bed, for 10 to 20 days I POAS (pee on a stick) to see if I'm ovulating since my cycle isn't too consistent, I tune in every 60 seconds to my body to see if it shows any "sings", I've been taking prenatal vitamin for 9 months now (ironic), and now I'm even writing about it.

I've come a long way since the "I'm not ready" phase, as you can tell by all the things I'm doing. There was a point I wasn't sure I could do it, and don't even mention anything about giving birth (freaked me out, I mean my cramps are bad enough). Of course, now that I am ready and want it sooo bad, it seems our baby has its own schedule while my own Tic Toc is driving me crazy.

My first time....

So here I am, writing my first blog, I'm nervous & excited. I wonder if it will be everything I thought it would be?

But wait!

Before I continue.... maybe I should re-think this. I mean do I really want to go ahead with this? What about the consequences? What if my actions force me to make a long-term commitment and I can't keep up with it? or most importantly I don't want to bore anyone to death. I mean that's pretty serious isn't it? Ahhh, nah its not, you'll live I promise. =)

Why am I doing this?

Basically... because I want to, Duh!

O.K, seriously now, I realize that Jeff and I are young, and that we have a long journey ahead of us. I think this would be a great way to save our memories, well my memories really, but I'll share with Jeff. See? you already know something about me, I'm not too greedy. I'll definitely share my memories with him, especially those that I can use to prove him wrong about something, ha! (yes, I have an ulterior motive).

By no means are we an adventurous couple, exciting, or cool, but we are awesome! (Umm, this is my opinion, so maybe you shouldn't believe everything you read). We have been married for 4 years, and together for 5. He proposed 6 months into our relationship... Yes, we were fast, and No I wasn't pregnant, it just proves that I am awesome (but more on our "love story" later). For now, let's just focus on our current project: making a baby. I'm hoping to keep a good journal of what we experience while attempting to expand our family.

So far, I have to say that after 7 months of trying we finally got pregnant in March, but unfortunately I ended up having a miscarriage =(
It is one of the saddest things we've had to go through, and we are still trying to deal with it. I can't stop thinking how one second I was at the top of the world happy and the next second it was all gone. I'm angry that it happened, not at anyone, just angry in general. However, we've made the decision to keep going, and I'm trying to be positive about it. I cannot wait to make my husband a father, anyone who knows him, definitely understands this. He loves kids so much, and he is so loved by all the kids in our family, it broke my heart to tell him that we had lost our baby. One day he will be a wonderful dad, and I'm going to have a vivid recollection of how it happened thanks to this blog.

And of course I will be a wonderful mom too!